American Pi
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“My, My.”
~ Oscar Wilde on American Pi
ths[1], or American Pi, is the most important number in the U.S, and is a defining testament to the country's power.
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[edit] Background
The theory behind American Pi goes thus: America is the most powerful country in the World, and has the power to change anything for the better. Hence, a silly thing like maths should not be unyielding to a Superpower, especially when whole countries are not. Government pressure on leading Maths Wizards soon led to proclamations that the present form of Pi, or "European Pi", was hopelessly flawed in today's capitalist society, and only American Pi was suitable for the very real economic demands on circles faced at the dawn of the 21st century. With the number's proponents gaining widespread popularity, the launch was scheduled for March 14th, 1999, coincidently also The Day the Music Died. Once introduced, the new form of Pi's acceptance into the mathematical system was not immediate, and multiplication became temporarily impossible, with subtraction only running for numbers 5 through 10.
Once accepted, American Pi lead to some changes in the American landscape that still confuse people from elsewhere. The new number leads to a subtle distortion of reality in order for circles to still be circles and bridges not to collapse, which in turn causes a small but perceptible break in reason across the continent. In America, arguments may be valid even when they have no clear logic or purpose, and disregard observable evidence to what in other countries may be considered a curious degree. However, on the plus side American Pi saves the U.S Military 3.6 Gigabillion dollars a year, and allows for a larger number of fruit to be grown in the nation's many orchards, so the number looks to be sticking around for a good while yet.
[edit] Working with American Pi
American Pi may not be used in Sub-Atomic Physics, for reasons too complex to be explained on the internet. In all other fields, American Pi works like all other versions of Pi, except the input is greater than the exponent, when the exponent tends to the inponent and the supponent is greater or less than 1. Problems arise with the clandestine numbers 12, 7, and 66.79345627.9, but these can be solved using triangular division, globular integration, or spandex gloves. Most Engineers report that since starting working with American Pi morale has improved across their team, and suicide rates among geologists have dropped by over 3%.
As the United States of America is a primarily Christian country (in fact it's head of state is a fundamentalist Christian), we can assume that the average American accepts not only pi=22/7, but the Old Testament's beautiful and highly accurate pi=3. According to this apparent lack of logika points, we can use the laws of arithmetic algebra to deduce a highly useful theorem: The Magnajuu theorem.
We have: 22/7 = 3
Multiplying by 7: 22 = 21
Subtracting 21: 1 = 0
If we accept this as the rock solid FACT it is, we can see that now true=false and consequently there is no such thing as a contradiction, proving our initial statement. Don't question my logika: I'm a lvl 12 cheese-maker.
[edit] Fun Facts about American Pi
- Ironically, given the phrase "As American as Apple Pi", Apple Pi in fact originated in Italy as a means to combat dry rot, and is nowhere near as efficient as American Pi.
- In Chemistry, American Pi is an alloy of Magnum and Cheesium. It often causes mistakes if used in maths, however, due to impurities in its arethmetical complex.
- American Pi is the only number with a Coat of Arms, a pastry fleur-de-lis embossed with a smiling three.
