American Beer

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“I find American beer a bit like having sex in a canoe. It's fucking close to water.”

~ Oscar Wilde on American Beer

American Beer, often confused with either Bat's urine or water, is a low-alcohol beverage actually enjoyed by many Americans and Canadian children. Canadians will often speak of the low alcohol content of American Beer, because it does not cause fun side-effects such as blindness and gonourrhea like Canadian Beer. There is also a disputed difference between the methods of detecting alcohol in each country. When faced with this fact, Canadians will either run away or turn into a purple moose.

Many American beers are not in fact beer at all, but rather beeroids. Others are unclassifiable disease-causing microbes.

[edit] Introduction

Believe it or not, almost all American Beers can trace their roots back to European settlers who brought their expert brewing techniques with them. Unfortunatly, Americans proceeded to ruin what started out as a good thing by demanding the cheapest possible price for the most quantity possible with taste and quality being optional.

[edit] History

American Beer, or Piss Flavored Water as it is more commonly known as, has noble roots, but something went horribly wrong along the way.

When the German, Czech, Belgian (yes, Belgian—don't laugh, I will explain later), British, and Irish settlers came to America they brought with them their talent for brewing the best beers in the world. During it's early history, American Beers mirrored their european counterparts in flavor and quality, this heyday of American Beers lasted for almost 4 generations and spawned many local breweries that used the best materials in the wourld for their beers and ales.

These local breweries flourished for years under the strict control of a "Brewmaster" who had complete control over the entire brewing process, but the days of the small family owned breweries would soon come to an end.

With the invention of the assembly line, some enterprising individuals came up with the idea of mass producing these quality brews for not only locals to enjoy, but others across the country. It started out as a good idea, but problems began soon after.

Almost immeadiately manufacturers realized that finely crafted, quality beers would be impossible to produce in mass quantities at a reasonable price, corners needed to be cut, shortcuts had to be found and compromises had to be made. Thus, the age of modern American Beer began.

[edit] Modern History

With the modern assembly line cranking out beer that was affordable, yet some of the foulest swill known to mankind. Even the lowest-paid workers in America could now enjoy something that kind of, maybe, was like beer, except now it was cheap. This new breed of beer, foul and disgusting as it was, had some alcohol content to it and kept you from dying of dehydration. It was during this time that many Americans found that the more of this modern American beer they drank, the less they tasted it and the better their women looked, so taste and quality began to take a back seat to affordability and quantity.

The manufacturers mass producing these piss-flavored sewage runoff beers quickly began to buy up the family owned breweries and shut them down in an attempt to keep Americans from finding out what a decent beer tastes like. It was during this period that large breweries realized that marketing their swill was as important as its cheap price and embarked on massive ad campaigns which they felt would brainwash a gullible public with serious self image issues. It worked!!!!

As the big breweries bought out all competition tou the point where there were only 4 or 5 large breweries cranking out almost identical septic tank sludge flavored beer, marketing became even more important to keep Americans drinking what was little more than shit flavored water.

Marketers working for these big breweries knew that any ad campaign they came up with exuding the taste or quality of the beer would come off as somewhat hypocritical so marketers quickly turned to hot, scantily clad women to sell the swill. Shockingly enough, it worked.

[edit] Why American Beer Sucks

Mainly because Belgian Beer rules. German Beer is decent but pales in comparison to Belgian Beer. Really, you should only drink Belgian Beer; you could drink German or Czech beer in a pinch if you can't find any real beer, but if you stock up properly you won't ever run out of Belgian Beer.

According to many medical professionals, drinking American beer causes impotence, cholera, spastic colon syndrome, leprosy, scurvy, shingles, consumption, dissentry, trench foot, pink eye, ringworm, and explosive diarrhea. However, these same medical professionals also drink American beer, and therefore cannot be trusted.

[edit] Brewing Process

American Beer was invented in 1985 by Irvine Petrov Freeley, a communist sympathizer who was well known for his illicit affairs with many of the political elite of New England.

The process of distilling American Beer begins with it's key ingredient: Canadian Beer. The Canadian Beer is consumed by baseball players during Major League baseball games, and then is filtered through the body into the kidneys. The beer is the expunged through the process of urination, into a disinfection chamber, then bottled and cooled for consumption. The net result is a beer that "tastes great" but is "less filling". It is theorized that most of its "filling" (also known as "alcohol") is burned off while on its journey through its respective baseball professionals' bodies.

Recently, the nature of this process has been criticized due to an increase in illegal drugs and chemicals appearing within American Beers. Human rights activists are currently protesting this method of brewing, suggesting that the process should instead utilize liberals and cattle infected with mad cow disease, instead of humans.

[edit] Types Of American Beer

You have two beers: MillerBudCoors, and everything else.

MBC is cold filtered hot baseball piss cut with warm tap water, and called "draft" even though it is in a goddam bottle. Its proponents say that it tastes "cold", even though cold is not a flavour. MBC donates all of its profits to Xtian causes, as they enjoy making beverages for people who hate beer.

George W. Bush drinks a gallon of MBC for breakfast every day because Laura Bush denies him sex, and if he didn't have a few coldies to take the edge off, he might have to go around blowing shit up for no reason.

"Everything else" is OK, as long as it is made by a guy with lots of tribal tattoos, comes with a funny name, has tapioca or diouxin or some other wacky shit in it, and has a cool label. Most types of "everything else" are made in a garage by a couple of guys who failed high school chemistry but really like getting piss drunk. Most such brewers refer to their swill as "microbrew" because (supposedly) they make it in relatively small quantities. This is a lie—collectively, microbrewers produce roughly the same amount of beer as MillerBudCouours, but drink most of it before it leaves the garage.