American Football
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- For other uses, see Football.
“The foosball is the debbul!”
~ Mama Boucher on Football
“Bloody 'ell! Those bloody Yankees have stowlen oua spowt like they did to oua culcha!”
~ John Bull on Yankee Football
“It's like rugby, but with armour and the rules are changed so that it's too easy.”
~ Mephiles on Rugby and American Football
Similar to the story of basketball, American Football was a sport invented by US citizens when they reached the end of a big long list of sports played the world over (Inbred european football, rugby etc) and realised that they were in actual fact rubbish shit at them all. So as usual in American culture, instead of practicing these sports, they thought it might be easier to come up with their own and the format allows for the most amount of advertising breaks of any sport. They also added body armour to protect their fragile bodies and brains, but since players need an IQ below 20 to get a start on the field, it didnt matter anyway.
When they were deciding a name, they couldn't think of one, so they stole the name Football instead, causing a worldwide confusion which they anticipated, but proceeded with anyway. Many critics have argued that the game really has little to do with the foot touching the ball, but organizers spat on the critics and called them communists.
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[edit] Setup
Buy a pigskin from your local Wal-Mart (If you don't live near a Wal-Mart, then get to one now or you may contract aids.), and find a field one football field in length. Take two oversize forks and place two near the edges. Keep in mind the name "football" belongs to the drunk English guys that invented what intelligent and superior americans call "soccer". Football is a popular American sport, and many black people play in the south. Unlike basketball, a couple of white people play too.
Simply the most homoerotic game. Ever.
[edit] History
History in the Mesozoic Era
The Time : Circa 300,000,000 B.C.
The Place : Some where in the north of France
The People : Ancient Neandrethals
The Event : The Ancient equivalent of an Indian Swayamvara
Three hundred and fifty beefy men in a single line, arms stretched out clutching each others shoulders.
A man appearing to be their chief yells, sounding more like a howl, a fifty men part and move forward still in a single file.
Another yell, another fifty move forward again in a single file. The two lines face each other.
Another yell and the remaining men split up. The four lines of men now stand such that the form a rectangle, with first fifty men facing the second fifty they form the breadth of the rectangle. While the other hundred and twenty men form each of the lengths of the rectangle.
Twenty Two men now move into the rectangle formed and bounded by the other 340 men.
The chief presents the prize catch that the two men are fighting for, the prize that will make the winner a king, the losers will leave the village in shame to seek his fortunes elsewhere. The prize catch – the chief’s daughters.
The men must fight for the most basic necessity of life, food. They must demonstrate to the chief that they have the ability to feed his daughters. The beautiful maidens watch from the sidelines while cheering for a mate of their choice. The chief lets lose a rabbit in the middle of the field. Each men now must with his buddies catch the rabbit and take it back to his side of the field (i.e. one of the shorter edges of the rectangle, which he has chosen previously).
Modern History
Now 300,000,000 years later this is one of the most popular mate selection rituals across American college campuses. The twenty two men with all brawns and no brains fight out in the middle of a field for the possession of the stupid looking ball, while their maidens also known as cheerleaders cheer them form their sidelines. The event is now known as football.
An earlier version of the "game" became popular in the early part of the 20th century when Sigmund Freud suggested it might be used as a means to control homosexual urges. However, as the early rules required players to be in traditional greek fashion, athletic nude, and for players to perform felatio on one another as the sole means to score points it is doubtful it ever succeeded on this point. The rules have undergone many changes over the years and now the "hand off" has replaced the role of felatio in the game.
[edit] Naming
Some people argue that American Football shouldn't be called football because it uses an ovoid rather than a ball and feet rarely touch said 'ball', also football is the real name for soccer. Yet, it could be said that the game is named football because the game bears resemblance to the game of football, a popular sport in Khazakistan with a controversial name. If you touch a man balls instead of the real ball,its worth 400 points (200 for each ball). The leauge for sensible naming of sports has proposed that the game should be renamed Hand Egg to give a more accurate representation of the game.
Soccer is considered to be the greatest sport of them all. Not even Gabriel had a say in the creation of the "sport of the gods" as the True god JC created it. American Football was a sport created as a diversion to catch those with IQ's of less than 1 occupied
[edit] Actual Gameplay
Players consist of huge American males who use football as an outlet to vent your soaring testosterone levels and homosexuality. occasionally football games do become all-out gay orgy's. Warning: if are a male with soaring estrogen levels and don't play football because you get scared and decide to run home to mum when the play starts, you will be regarded in high school as a little bitch and someone with a learning disorder. Congradulations! you would make a great French citizen!. Cheerleading is then an option.
The ref (dressed up like a burglar, only with vertical stripes) blows an air horn to indicate the start of "a play". This naturally confuses the players who by this time are wondering why they’re there; however by the use of porn and electric shocks to the genitalia most players are conditioned to charge forward towards the opposition upon hearing loud noises, a technique also used by the american military to train its armed forces. Note: Immediately prior to this conditioned response some players may shout random numbers which they find comforting. Within 2 to 10 seconds they have bumped into each other and it takes another 2 minutes to line them up again.
Unfortunately on odd occasions one of the players misses his opponent and accidentally runs all the way to the end of the pitch field. This causes mass hysteria and often spontaneous ejaculation in the spectators; unfortunately the players have to be lined up in the middle again.
[edit] Time Out
This is a good time to go to your refrigerator and grab a watered-down (light) beer to have along with your cheesy nachos and replace any broken nails that may have been broken throughout the match with fake ones.
[edit] Cleanup
Mop up your friend's guts. Call his family and tell them he got run over by a truck. Why he was there when he was home a few minutes ago? We may never know.
If you lived, keep score. If you survive 16 games, don't play anymore until next August try a game easier on the body and is relaxing like golf or sit on your pale ass and watch nascar for a guzillion hours.
American football is a favourite among the gay community of america as it contains a lot of wrestling and jumping on other men
[edit] News
From now onwards, American Football will now be known as "special ball". Due to the political correctness, because calling it "retard ball" was just too mean.
[edit] See also
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