American history
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American History is non-existant. In the interests of pretending to be superior to all other countries, Americans got their top scientists to work for 3 days and 5 nights in a secret bunker hidden underneath Area 51 on the following: American History is short but permiscuis time in the history of the world. It is but 250 years, as compared with the history of that of England, France, Or China, who's history reaches thousands of years back in time. But however short American history is, it still follows a very recognizable pattern. It is divided into several stages.
- The exploration period
- The genocide period
- The slavery period
- The first boom (aka worldwide ignorance period)
- The Great Depression
- The Second World War
- The Cold War (aka worldwide aggression period)
- Japanese Occupation Era
- The Bush period (when the royal family was reinstalled for the House of Bush)
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[edit] Precolonial Days
About a few thousand years ago America was discovered by many nomadic travelers following large herds of animals, such as mammoths, which they liked to eat. That proves that the first Americans were hardcore Republicans, because Democrats are all tutti fruiti and didn't think eating animals was right. If God didn't want us eating animals, why do they taste so good? Why do we have appendixes, why do we have teeth designed for eating meat? and james elliot is well strange
[edit] "Discovery of America"
In 1400 and 92, Columbus sailed the Ocean Blue, in hopes of finding a new route to someone named Cathy. Many elementary school classes stress that Christopher Columbus "discovered" America, this is clearly true because my elementary school book says so. Many historians, however, now know that the Vikings were the first real people to come to America. While Columbus was taking a vacation in Norway one year, he heard about the Viking myths of a "new world". Columbus thought that "the New world" was just the other side of China. China in the 15th century was a very rich nation, every one wanted a piece of the god damned place. Columbus was also very greedy so he wanted it all for himself. So Columbus decided to bug all sorts of nations to fund his crazy idea of going into the middle of the ocean, and finding China. He went to his home of Italy, they rejected him, He went to France, they rejected him, he went to all sorts of countries, and he was rejected as well. Then Columbus went to Spain, the Queen there thought he was cute, and since Columbus was so annoying, the King of Spain decided to give Columbus three rickety old ships to find China. If Columbus died on the journey, no one would have to deal with him; if Columbus succeeded, Spain would be rich. So after acquiring a crew of confused drunken men, Columbus set sail, going west. After a few months, Columbus stumbled upon the Caribbean, which he mistakenly thought to be the eastern islands of China. Columbus also found friendly people on the island he had found and mistakenly called them "Indians" He then enslaved the friendly people on the island and made them find gold for him. He killed the Native people either with his cruelty or his many diseases from Europe. He went back to Spain and told everyone that he had found another way to China. Spain sent many more ships to this "new world" and made a lot of money. Other European countries saw what Spain was doing, so they wanted to get in on the act, too.
[edit] American Colonies
[edit] The first English colonies
The first Colonies established by the English were Jamestown and Roanoke. The Roanoke colony was established by very few English people, who all disappeared for no known reason - though rumours that they shacked up with Indian squaws still persist to this day. Jamestown was another English colony, it was named after the English Monarch of the time King James. The settlers who went to Jamestown were all lazy business men, whose sole aim was to find gold and go back to England rich with the minimum of sexually transmitted diseases, thus the Colony failed.
[edit] The Pilgrims
In England during the early 1600s there was a group of religious weirdos in England called the Puritans. Loathing the pride that filled this name with haughtiness, they decided to call themselves the Pilgrims instead, which was a less sinful prideful name. The normal English people harassed the Pilgrims to the point that the Pilgrims decided to pull up shop and leave. The Pilgrims journeyed to America on the ship the Mayflower. There is currently a moving company by the same name which is petitioning the history school book companies for credit (and monetary reward) for discovering America.
[edit] The American Way
Upon arriving to the "New World" the Pilgrims could not survive very easily, so some friendly Native Americans helped them out and showed the Pilgrims how to get food. In return the Pilgrims shot all of the Natives, because the Pilgrims were very scared of people who could tan and live with wild animals. The Pilgrims simply wanted to set up McDonalds everywhere and to be left alone to eat all the big macs they can. But wiping out a whole race of people was not enough to make the Pilgrams feel safe, so they started to call each other witches and burned each other at the stakes. Soon America became a profitable land for England and a dumping ground for undesirable people. And so, many people came to America and they all built many cities. After all the witches were dead, the Americans decided that there were too many French around, so America sent the then Captain George Washington to attack a French Fort and that started a war with the French. The goal was to kill them all or get them out of America, because they were just too scary with their cheese and wine. After 7 long years of war, the French were gone. America was free of its enemies, or was it?
[edit] The Revolution
After the War there were a lot of British troops hanging around America and that scared people. So American rebelled to become their own nation, so that they didn't have to deal with the awesome British and their great tea, scones, and taxes. Once more, after a long war, Americans were finally free from anything they might fear except for getting slim and going on a diet
[edit] The New American Nation
After America was "free" there were a number of socal and political facets in america. It was around this time that the Golden rule of Freedom was introduced. This made it a legal requirement that when ever the word freedom was said in a public or private place, no matter the context in which it was used , all present must scream, shout, and generally act like inbred red-necks. The group must then do whatever the user of the phrase 'freedom' says without question or moral and ethical obligations to human rights.
[edit] Collective laziness
American are very lazy, let's face it, right now were ol fat joe smo in front of our TVs watchin SitComs eating a BigMac, or were doing something even more pathetic, posting stuff on uncyclopedia. Well in the 17 and 1800s Americans found a way to do less work, we would go to Africa round up a couple of people and bring them here and make them work, and work hard. This was very popular in the South where people were very lazy. Unfortunatly, American got so many black people that they out numbered the White people. That made the White people very afraid.
[edit] American Expansionism
Americans like to be alone, so in the 1800s we went out west to big parcles of land so we could be all alone. Unfortunatly there we natives there, but that was no problem, because Americans had guns and we shot them all. So as America got more crowded we went further and further out west.
[edit] The Civil War
Once everything seemed more safe again, American stated to look at one another and started to become afraid of each other. So one day the the South attacked fort Sumter, and The Civil War started. The Civil War lasted 4 long years, but the North won because they were the good guys because they were trying to free the slaves.
- (see Civil War)
[edit] The 20th Century
The 20th Century is often called the American Century because we were al over the world. The 20th Century began when we were just finshed destroy what was left of the Spainsh empire, because the Spanish colonies were too close, and they were making us scared. And Because of the Spanish American war, we were becoming an empire. and that made us feel big and powerful.
[edit] Germans
America decided to leave it till half way into the war to actually get a grip and kill some nazis.
Once FDR had finished with the senate, letting the clone troopers kill them,he declared war on all enemies to Americaisbadassism, and set out to crush count chocula. Unfortunately, hitler had already killed him, using the greatest weapon germany could provide-alca zeltzer.The U.S. was really pissed now.Their next target was the French, but Germany had beaten them already, in 1066 A.D. Then again every 20 years. So when the U.S. decided to invade Africa, they found out that Germany was already fighting with the British there. America finally woke up and realized something-Germany was mocking them.They wanted to fight America!!! So the Americans prepeared for war, traing the cub scouts how to take down a tank with a single kick, and training our soldiers the art of "shoot the living hell out of you". Even with a full army of 80,000,000 mexicans, we were still outclassed in every aspect.The German troops were equipped with the latest brute shots, plasma grenades, and warthog personnel characters. The rest of Europe was far behind in technology. British troops used dishes as helmets, and used teacups for the standard issue weapon of the British soldier. The French had to use croissants and snails to fight.The russians used the limbs of other executed russians.In the end, Germans were huge, strong, smart, overall superior people, who could not have lost the war. But what the Germans lacked, was a powerful ally. They had originally allied with the trade federation, but after a series of shipping mishaps were jews were found in the boxes they sent from germany as gifts, the trade federation broke off its alliance with Germany. Soon, the Roman Empire, led by Alexander the Great,would become an ally with Germany.
[edit] The Communists
After the last war with the Germans, America ran out of enemies, But then comunism looked like it would take off, and spread all over the world. So american politions Dicided to turn on the allies that had helped us against the Germans, and make america afraid of communism. and Durring the 1950s, there was communist hysteria, every one thought everyone was a communist. So America built huge missles and started wars with places like Korea and Vietnam to make the world safe for America.
[edit] The 1990's and Modern History
By 1991 Communism whimpered and died as the last communist guy was removed from office in Russia. And it seemed like America was not going to have any more enemies. But at that very moment, Iraq invaded the American ally of Kuwait, and America had another enemy a little while longer. Unfortunately, America's zeal against her enemies was so strong, Iraq hardly lasted 100 hours against America's onslaught and surrendered. Thus the 90's were a time of relative peace for America. As a result, the anger that America had turned in on itself: Events like Waco, Columbine and the OKC bombing happened in the 1990's as a result of America not having enough enemies.
[edit] Japanese invasion of July 1st 1996
the battle of July 1st was the most dareing move by the nation of japan in the last 1000 years. the reasons for the invasion are as fallows
- Ninjas are way better than pirates
- kaiju overpopulation.
- they were tiered of the small penis jokes (even though they tend to have very large penis)
- pokemon induced rage.
The most decisive move made by Japan was there decision to invade from the east cost. The first city to fall was Providence, Rhode Island. General Peter Griffin defended it to the end, but sadly he was lost to a ninja star wound to the neck. The fall of Rhode Island is the event that granted Japan the foot hold in the USA it needed. Every other state fell shortly after that (Due to the whole ninja speed thing the USA was defeated in 1 day).
Or so they thought but then George bush led a uprising and stole all the chop sticks and starved the ninja's to death.Then America allied with chuck norris and exterminated the Japanese.
[edit] Terrorists
The definition of terrorist is as follows:The worst piece of shit on the planet;physically incapable of having balls, they prey on those who are 1,000,000,000 times better then them, because they are jealous. Fortunately, 1000 years ago, George Bush(producer of terrorists) smoked too much, and from that day forward, no terrorist could be more intelligent then a 5 year old. So we have nothing to fear from terrorists, save that they dont reverse enginneer lucky charms to be deadly, man-eating parasites that take over your mind.
[edit] Iraq
In 2003 President "im a thick twat" Bush decided we needed even more enemies, so he decided to be just like his pappy, and invade Iraq. France objected to giving us yet another enemy, citing the need for a 36 hour work week.
[edit] Conclusion
America is the gretest country on Earth, and nobody can say otherwise. If they do, we'll kick the living crap out of them.The real point that we can see throughout our history, is that it is full of conquest and other countries being jealous of us.Luckily, they cannot do anything about it. Now, we move to conquer our next target,because we are already masters of this world, we are ready to invade mars, and then Hoth, and then, the UNIVERSE!!
