Native Americans

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Rain Dance? or Walking on Water?...We will never know.

“Even the Asians rejected them”

~ Alexander Andrewsson on Amerindians

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Native Americans.

1 History
2 Religion
3 Facts About Native Americans
4 Other Native Americans
5 Casinos
- 5.1 See also
- 5.2 External Links

[edit] History

[edit] In the beginning

Sophisticated systems of governing existed very early in America

In the beginning, the Native Americans (or savages) walked to this continent from Asia. This was made possible by their very close relation to asian Jesus, who passed the "walking on water" gene down to all Native Americans. They then used their super-sonic speed to migrate to different parts of North and South America within a matter of hours.

The Native Americans followed by planting maize, the Navajo word that most literally translates dog food, but is commonly known as corn. Maize and all Native Americans are related to Korn the band.

In times of hard-ship, such as poor bison hunts, many Native Americans resorted to eating their boogers and stealing boogers from other tribes and white people. Black people and Indians once teamed up to beat the MAN but that never happened because Marlon Brando farted and blew up the world.

[edit] The White Invasion

Native Americans (red skin) and White people (white skin) got along great (White people handing out blankets infected with small pox never really happened. It's a myth. Plus white people back then were too big of pussies to kill anybody). They were the best of friends for years and years, until a misunderstanding lead to strained relations between the two cultures. In a very common "beads for manhattan" type trade (this was the common name for trades that involved trades where Manhattan Island is trade for very few worthless but colorful beads), the Natives thought they were to recieve 67 beads. The White skinned people only forked over 39. This caused many wars for years to come. Eventually, White people defeated the proud Native Americans in a period of time known as Run to the Hills, and took over their land, and banging the Native American women all the while. Basically the Americans Indians got owned by the super awesome European power of Mother Russia.

Image:John Wayne oh ya Jpeg style.jpg

The Native Americans were driven before the heels of Brave Americans Manifesting their destiny to inhabit the land between the two Oceans. Somebody might tell you, that we just thanked them for keeping us alive through the winter and shot them in the back, commiting genocide and burning through North America's vast abundance of resources, and converting pristine nature into dirty streets and cultural decadence. But they're probably just a stinking America hating liberal.

[edit] Today

Today Native Americans are only allowed to make money by owning a casino. The aquisition of money by a Native American in any other way is unlawful and punishable by law. Also, Native Americans can no longer walk on water.

Native Americans today are almost nonexistant. Most of the "Native Americans" you see in Thanksgiving Parades are Puerto Ricans dressed up in feathers and give large quantities of tequila. In reality there are only like 12 Native Americans left in the world. Way to go white man, you almost have them beat. Despite the few remaining Native Americans left there have been rumors of large hordes of Native Americans flourishing in the imaginary kingdom of Canada. They were deported too this Imaginary place in 1593, during the war on Iraq because America wanted someone else too deal with the burdens on society. Since then Canada's King Tim Horton has given the natives Land, Houses, Clothing, and Welfare money so they wouldn't need to get jobs and work like most people in society.

The Natives systematically work out how to spend their day when they get their welfare money. Upon receiving the money they hijack the nearest vehicle and drive to the nearest beer store. There they spend every penny of it on a variety of beer and drive back to their government subsidized homes. Then they spend the next 3 Days too drunk too think and buy golden rings for their tribal delegates. On the fourth day they realize they are out of beer and complain to the government that they don't have enough money to survive. Finally after a week of living like this the Natives receive more Welfare money and repeat the process.

Still Native Americans migrate too America from ancient Asia, on boats called Mayflowers. The irony in this actually led to the death of many Jews during World War 2, and the much less-publicized World War 2 1/2.

[edit] Religion

(Warning this section might seem overly encyclopedic or otherwise contain information which is NPOV)

Native Americans are secretly shaminstic, and have many of the powers attributed to the 144,000 in the book of Revelation, such as calling upon God (or the Great Spririt) to cause disasters. This in principle makes disasters easy to predict, if you know how natives think. For example, it would therefore seem natural that if the 10 amemendments in the Constitution, which were ratified in 1789 protects your right to predict an earthquake on 10-17-89 if you want to, then the principle that "prophecy is as easy as sin" makes it obvious that the Loma Priena Earthquake could not happen on any other day.

The Great Spirit also honored Dr. Martin Luther King with an earthquake on his birthday in 1994 after the beating of Rodney King in the city of Angels, i.e. Los Angeles.

One of the biggest masacres carried out by the "true witnesses" was the mass death of the Sumatra Earthquake wherin either the white numerolgists were found to be either a day late, or a dollar short of the fact when they were supposed to be sending a fax to warn about a Tsunami on 12-24-2004.

This is why Indians are not allowed to gamble, since true Indians can count cards at blackjack with their eyes closed, as well as perform other tricks like wishing a roulette wheel to come up on any number.

In an important Twilight Zone episode about modern Native life, a child named "Anthony" turned a man into a Jack In the Box, and had to wish him into a cornfield, but it was a "good day" ... in Native America.

[edit] Facts About Native Americans

The string theory of quantum quantum mechanics started out as "macrame" theory, before the invention of the guitar, and the discovery of Plank's constant by Jolly Roger, who attempted unsecussfully to measure its value by sacrificing the Indians who really discovered it.

Everything a Native American says, it is always a metaphor with a buffalo, snake, or wolf involved unless they are actually attempting to talk about buffalo or snakes.

Native Americans live off a diet of bologna sandwiches and beer.

Native Americans find jobs, get their first check, quit their job, party until the money runs out, and repeat the process.

All Native Americans have diabetes.

All Native Americans have Bird Flu.

Native Americans can shapeshift into, or communicate with, any animal they so choose.

Native Americans blame white people for global warming because they hate warm "ocean"- a mixture of hairspray and water for the purpose of becoming intoxcated.

Native Americans live for hair spray-preferably Aquanet.

The typical Native American's source of income are welfare and the pawnshop.

Native Americans invented the garbage bag for the sole purpose of using it to inhale massive amounts of household disinfectant sprays without losing any and having to buy more. They called this Injuneering at its finest.

To date no Indian has disposed of any garbage, just look at their front yards.

Never stand downwind of a Native American because they are lactose intolerant and don't shower because they have no running water due to the purchasing of beer instead of paying the water bill.

Native Americans love bingo, which they play clarivoyantly by placing the markers on their bingo cards while listening to loud POW-WOW music on thier special red edition iPods that Apple provides to the Catholic church for that purpose.

No Native American to date has ever owned a car, they all take public transit, or steal one, carve 'INDIAN NIGGERS RULE' into the dashboard, and then steal the radio and pawn it.

All Native American teens wish they were niggers and dress baggy and run around saying "word" and "fo sho" and "aight".

When they arent winning at Catholic bingo, Native Americans control the weather, and also the world's money supply.

The most famous Native American bingo player is named KicksAssAtBingo.

A famous Native American rapper goes by the name of 50 Horse.

Native Americans like to flip out and dance with wolves.

Famous native Americans include Stands With Fist in Ass, Shitting Bull, and Zakk Wylde.

Native Americans name their children after the first thing they see as they leave their tepees subsequent to birth. Hence, such strange names as broken rubber and fucking dog.

Amazing feats of science have been known to Native Americans for eons. Among these are construction of a Bison Sphere, a huge pile of flaming buffalo dung surrounded by an adobe shell on which lizards can live. These lizards are consumed with maize and diet coke.

Most Native Americans do not play the Lottery, because it would offend the Great Spirit, and limit their ability to wish for disasters, otherwise they can make any set of numbers come up that they like merely by calling upon Coyote who was responsible for setting about the arrangement of the stars.

Do not believe in bathing of any kind except to go to the post office to pick up their welfare checks.

Finish other minorities commonly used sentences with the obligatory "eh". Example the African phrase "This is a robbery" becomes "this is a robbery, eh" and the Mexican phrase "Where's my welfare check ese?" becomes "Where's my welfare check,eh?" and the white man's phraise "Where is my bible and 10 wives?" becomes "Where is my bible and my 10 wives, eh?"

[edit] Other Native Americans

The Native Americans were also a British rock group formed in the late 1970s. Their unoriginal style and bad lyrics are said to have been the key to their success.

"Native Americans" is also a derogatory slang term for the injuns of North America.

[edit] Casinos

Native Americans are forbidden from ever setting foot in a casino, as punishment by the White Man for, "struggling and making extra work when we wanted to rape your kids." This does not apply to Apache Chief, who is actually Jewish, and very good at counting cards. His ability to shapeshift keeps him from being banned, and many whites get written up in the so called "brown" book instead.