Amy Winehouse

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The number of substances Winehouse has ingested, snorted, inhaled, or injected since you have been reading this:

“She fucking should be in rehab sounding like that”

~ Oscar Wilde on Amy Winehouse

“And they say MY hair's crazy”

~ Marge Simpson on Amy Winehouse

“Hey! Invent your own hair do!”

~ Kai, last of the Brunen-G on Amy Winehouse

“They tried to make me stop at her place, but I said ho, ho, ho!”

~ Santa Claus on Delivering Presents to Everyone Except For Amy Winehouse

“Fucking wannabe bitch”

~ Ronnie Spector on Amy Winehouse

“No wonder the clearasil isn't working, she's injecting it”

~ Leona Lewis on Amy Winehouse

“She is a dirty, filthy skank!”

~ Britney Spears on Amy Winehouse

“Rancid Whores equals Pukorama”

~ Skeletor on Amy Winehouse

“Damn that Bitch is crazy!”

~ everyone on Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse

Date of birth:

September 1967

Place of birth:

Battersea Dogs' Home, UK

Nationality:

English

Religion

Jew (go figure)

Spouse

Blake Fielder-Civil (presumed raped), British Pete Doherty-impersonating champion, 2002, 2004 and 2006

Amy Wine-vodka-whisky-champagne-heroin-crack-house, otherwise known as total shit, is an English singer, drug-addict, songwriter and undead evil sorceress. She smokes crack. She is also a well-respected philanthropist and activist, being President of the Association for the Elimination of Discrimination of People with Only One Nostril.

Her most successful single is "Rehab" (about her favourite holiday home). On 14 February 2007, she won a BRIT Award for Best British Skanky Artist, narrowly beating Lily Allen. She is also the only known 'living' Pharmacy, it was originally believe that this may have been caused by a small amount of blood in her drug stream, the amount of blood, however, has been shown to be negligible.

1 Early life
2 Personal life
3 His Dirty Little Secret
4 Death
5 See Also

[edit] Early life

Winehouse was born to an Romanian Jewish Muslim family with a history of kitten huffing. She grew up in the Battersea Dogs' home, London, and attended obedience school. She attended theatre school when she was 12 years old but was expelled at 13 for "looking like a drag queen" and not brushing her teeth. She later attended Rehab in Croydon, London before saying "no no no".

After a traumatic first day at school in which the children and teachers took turns in holding her down while others where sitting on her face and farting, her hair went up in the air and has stayed that way ever since, as a result she became addicted to fartium and this progressed to the point that readily available supplies were insufficient for her and she had to procure it in bottles, she went into rehab but soon had to be separated off from everyone else into an airtight room after it turned out that she had been bribing nurses to give her some.

As of 2008, Winehouse has been selling her blood to Keith Richards in an effort to scrape together cash for the purpose of buying more fartium. Keith is sustained primarily by fermented Winehouse blood mixed with gypsy tears.

she has two heads the other one made entirly of cotton.

[edit] Personal life

During the promotional phase for Back to Black, Winehouse appeared repeatedly in the British press with regard to her "personal issues" (simultaneously dating Chandler and Joey). In September 2006, Winehouse was reported to have dropped 17 dress sizes because of comments made to her about her non-existent huge ass. In an interview in The Daily Telegraph Magazine, when asked if this was the cause she replied "No. No. No. I don't listen to anyone except the voices in my head of the phantom transsexual canines. If someone had said to me, Amy, lose a stone which they wouldn't, because I have no stones left to lose - I don't think I would have listened anyway."

Following his exhumation, Winehouse married Blake Field'o'Dreams in the cleaner's cupboard at the local Superdrug. B F'o'D (as he's not generally referred to - at all) was originally hanged at Tyburn in 1775 for the crime of being the bastard offspring of "Bernie" (from "A Weekend at Bernie's"), Skeletor and Jennifer Lopez' husband. Oh, and for looking like an whole, and complete spak in that stupid hat he's so fond of.

Winehouse famously met with tv show host jeremy clarkson and asked him what he does for a living to which he replied 'I do top gear' in her confused state she misunderstood him and asked for £100 worth

In the same month, The Independent published an article about skinny doggies, in which it quotes Winehouse as stating that she is a clinically diagnosed transsexual who refuses to take call herself male or female. In October 2006, Winehouse admitted to have previously been affected by haemorrhoids and fleas. " A little bit of fleas, a little bit of haemorrhoids. I'm not totally OK now but I don't think any hermaphrodite is.

Later on she was diagnosed with Transpolar Disorder, a psychiatric condition featuring a compulsion to circumnavigate the poles, she was later sectioned under the Mental Health Act and doctors eventually managed to get her to stop watching the film Scott of the Antarctic.

[edit] His Dirty Little Secret

Lady Soupbush, showing her other talents.

In the September 3, 2007 issue of Rolling Stone magazine, Winehouse revealed that she was actually drag queen Lady Soupbush. The outfit it had been wearing was put together by Soupbush to win a Sarah Silverman lookalike contest. Sadly, Soupbush came in third place, after Sarah Silverman, in second, and Jason Alexander (the first Mr. Britney Spears, not the famous one), in first.

Luckily, a record exec was in the front row trying to score some blow (not what you think) off of one of the judges. He enjoyed Lady Soupbush's entry in the talent portion, and offered it a record contract. This led to more drink and drugs and manties than any drag queen could dare to dream of, making Soupbush the belle of the goddamn ball!