An infinite number of monkeys with typewriters
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“You know why an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters could never write a great novel? Lack of competition! Give an infinite number of monkeys a finite number of typewriters - then we'll get somewhere.”
~ A capitalist on An infinite number of monkeys with typewriters
“If an infinite number of monkeys pound on an infinite number of typewriters, you do NOT get the complete works of humanity”
~ Oscar Wilde on wikipedia
An infinite number of monkeys with typewriters (Monkius typeriterus) is a discovery made in the late 1984 by the famous Guatemalan explorer Cher, after her plane crashed in the New Jersey and she accidentally discovered the gates of hell, which were surrounded by monkeys (it is said that these monkeys were the inspiration for Dante Alighieri's famous romantic comedy: Harry Potter and the Journey to the Center of the Earth). The monkeys, which were later recruited by the US government to re-write the constitution, had been underground since the 12th century, when they were created by Shakespeare to write his complete plays.
The inspiration for using monkeys is said to have come from Shakespeare's brother, Charles Darwin, who had previously invented monkeys to support his far-fetched theories on typewriting.
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[edit] Everyday Uses
The uses of an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters have been a matter of debate for modern philosophers and talk show hosts since the late 19th century. Much was clarified after the first translation of the 31st book of the Bible, How to Cook an Infinite Number of Monkeys and Their Typewriters: An introduction to Quantum Physics. The book was met with considerable protests from typewriter activists in 2007, when their leader Chewbacca declared that monkeys were "ROOOOAAAAAWWWWWRRRRROOOORRRRR".
[edit] International Issues
The use of monkeys has been abolished in most of the world because of the problems caused by their venomous political criticism and their refusal to use word processors rather than typewriters. Also, the problem of housing and feeding such a number of monkeys is astronomical, so the project has been dubbed as "Unpossible" by George W. Bush.
However, Bush had continued to maintain a small subset of the monkeys using executive discretionary funds on the White House staff. A confidential White House source revealed that these monkeys are kept for the sole purpose of "drafting my War on Terror speeches good,... [B]ut don't tell anyone the President said this to you." Perhaps, if the president lived to a thousand years, he would have sounded just like Shakespeare.
[edit] Recent Scientific Application
An infinite number of monkeys with typewriters and the intangible scientific ideas that arise from their uses were used as the basis for the recently discovered true theorem of the universe.
[edit] Disproved Theory
The theory that an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters will produce literary classics has now been refuted. AOL has existed for 17 years now.
However, Bush had continued to maintain a small subset of the monkeys using executive discretionary funds on the White House staff. A confidential White House source revealed that these monkeys are kept for the sole purpose of \"drafting my War on Terror speeches good,... [B]ut don\'t tell anyone the President said this to you.\" Perhaps, if the president lived to a thousand years, he would have sounded just like Shakespeare.
I miss my tire swing. I'm off for a monkey spank.
See also 4chan.
[edit] The Monkeys on a Typewriter Project
The Monkeys on a Typewriter Project was founded by Sir Malcolm Monkeys-on-a-Typewriter-Project in 1929, based on the infinite number of monkeys with typewriters principle. However due to Sir Malcolm diverting his resources away from the project and in the direction of prostitutes we instead have a programme based upon the philosophy that if quite a few monkeys are given quite a few typewriters for quite a long time, they will still produce something rather interesting.
Some of the most famous pieces that this project has written so far include Scientology, the constitution of the European Union and chapters 7-9 of Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban.
In 1940 Sir Malcolm was awarded the nobel prize for literature, only to have it removed from him 41 seconds later after the crowd heard his acceptance speech, which had been written on a slightly less lucrative day.
[edit] Sightings in Nature
In his critically-acclaimed historical work, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams reports one of the few surviving sightings of an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters. The monkeys supposedly even worked out a script to Hamlet which Shakespeare has said to be superior to his own. Unfortunately, the only witnesses are all dead (see Mostly Harmless) and it is unknown how Adams obtained this information.
[edit] See also
- Monkeys
- Monkey Conspiracy
- Space Monkey Mafia
- Sea Monkeys
- Bloggers
- Noam Chomsky
- Livejournal
- Ann Coulter's columns
- Myspace
- CNN
- Monkey chained to a typing machine
