Tennis
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Tennis is a popular sport in which two people hit a ball back and forth at each other for several hours, although if they don't have a ball, many are content to simply sit on either end of the court and stare at each other for a few hours.
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[edit] History
Tennis was first played in the early 1900's, when several english sports officials, most ofthem very horny, agreed that cricket simply wasn't a sexy enough sport. A movement advocating nude cricket briefly surfaced, but the game faded into obscurity after several severe injuries (ultimately resurfacing as a low-budget porn film in the early 1990's). So a new game was invented known as "Tennis". Originally, the only rules were that two women had to play, they both had to be hot, and they both had to wear short shorts and bend over whenever possible. At the end of several hours, one of the two players was randomly declared a winner, and given a pair of even shorter shorts to wear to the finals.
In recent years, it has become compulsory for female tennis players to be (i) blonde, (ii) eastern Eurpoean, and (iii) to have a face like a stoat. However, in accordance with Norris' Law ("one doesn't look at the mantelpiece when stoking the fire"), these players are uniformly hot, and therefore a Good Thing.
[edit] Gameplay
Tennis is a very easy game to play. There are only two rules: hit the ball, and make extremely loud, irritating, but strangely arousing screaming noises every time you do. Players simply hit the ball back and forth, randomly giving each other points until either time runs out, or the ball disintegrates. Victory can be achieved either by randomly yelling "I WIN!!!" at any point during the game, or throwing the ball (or the racket) over the net and smashing it in to your opponent's face. This will knock him to the ground (hopefully crying). If they are no longer able to move, they will be carried off the court by the paramedics. Then you win. Tennis is also played by handicapped people, though they usually just throw tennis balls at each other and watch them randomly bouncing off each other's wheelchairs.
[edit] Tennis as a spectator sport
Many people enjoy watching tennis matches, especially the matches in which nothing happens at all. As opposed to most sports, in which fans hope to see eventful or exciting matches, most tennis fans go to matches hoping that absolutely nothing of interest will happen through the entire game. What many historians consider the most exciting game in tennis history was one in the early 1950's in which both players passed out, and their unconscious bodies were left lying on the court for 5 days. The audience loved it. The game finally ended on the morning of the sixth day of the match, when the wind blew the ball over the net and the game was ended, one to nothing.
[edit] Drunk Tennis
Tennis was one of the many events played by drunk athletes at the Drunk Olympics. Players got highly confused, ultimately mistaking the referee for the ball due to his yellow jersey, and beating him until both players forgot what they were doing, and proceeded to get tangled up in the net.
[edit] Tennis Balls
The tennis ball (known today as the weapon of mass groinal injury) is the small, yellow, slightly fuzzy ball that is used to play tennis with It is used by some in the popular pseudo- sport of "nutball," in which players play tennis, but target each other's groins until one of them forfeits. The tradition is still continued today. Due to their pleasingly soft fuzz, and their inability to poop on the carpet, tennis balls have become a fairly popular domesticated pet. "Owning a pet tennis ball is sort of like owning a gerbils, except tennis balls bounce off most surfaces," says a pet expert. Children who own pet tennis balls enjoy taking them out of their cages once a day to sit them on tables and stare at them. Tennis balls enjoy being fed alphalpha, ledduce, or bits of banana.
