Andy Rooney
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Andy Rooney (1300 - is immortal) is a small fat man that has absolutely no legs so he sits in his chair in the corner of a small office that the world is forced to watch at 7:50 on Sunday nights. He is most popular for his quotes:
- "Milk is shit"
- "Mail is shit"
- "Republicans are shit"
- "My life is shit"
- "Shit is shit"
- "Nobody lets me take a shit"
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[edit] Early Life
Andy’s humble beginnings started at the ground floor of a coin-operated midget sex show parlor. His father, a splooge mopper, discovered his latent hermaphrodite physiology whence having slipped into the by-product of said trade. He was mistaken for a tumor, and was surgically removed and discarded where he would later be found by a factory worker in a fish cannery who mistook the empty can for a mold seeing as Andy had consumed its contents. The fish cannery assumed the orphan as private property and soon had him performing various tasks such as chasing seagulls from the docks, chum chewing (regurgitating), and very special trade that would have him ascending the ranks of the professional jazz fusion circuit.
Andy learned to fight inner demons with the help of Amphetamines, subsequently involving him himself in the “Avant Garde” cinema of the late 40's where he got first taste of fame. After a brief liaison with the Mati Hari, a darker, more complicated Andy Rooney returned to Connectthedots. During a Faulkner book club, Andy slowly recalls what his beginnings of his childhood consisted of predating the Eskimos. He recalls being referred to as the fish child and was subjected to much ridicule. More ridicule followed when he was caught sodomizing an elk with a tire iron. This later would later prove to be incriminating, yet useful to his career.
Drunken and scared, a cornered Andy Rooney ponders his existence at the top of the Chrysler Building where he had been chased there by a pack of pro-Elk PETA activists. He was left for dead when he unexpectedly caught his scrotum on a flag pole propelling himself into a CBS hardcore S&M party that including a young Barbra Walters performing cunnilingus on a fetal cat. Andy Rooney happened to have a disposable condom, unheard of at that time, and blackmailed his way up the ranks of the CBS network. This became his rise to stardom which was challenged by his repressed sexual fetishes that, among other things included fish, marmots, and let’s not forget the elk incident. That coupled with severe Amphetamine addiction was the makings of disaster, or was it? Andy Rooney fooled them all and became one of the most beloved whatever the fuck he is of our time. We love you Andy and we welcome you into our hearts.
[edit] Death & Rebirth
By the age of 600 Rooney committed suicide because of his lack of depression. God didn't want him because of his use of swear words and Satan didn't want him because he didn't want to have to watch Rooney masturbate with a limp dick.
Rooney was sent back to earth and his life long goal was to be the soul survivor of the world. He later joined another man who worked at CBS, Walter Cronkite (500-is immortal) and in order to accomplish his life-long goal, Rooney, in the late 1960s, joined a new television show named 60 Minutes, raving each week about things that annoy him. His goal is to complain and question things so much that people (in complete madness) bash in their own brains with baseball bats to stop his voice from haunting them. Progress on this has been slow, as only 2,000 people have committed suicide in this manner. He has taken more direct measures sometimes, however. In 1984, after watching the film Highlander, Rooney attmepted to decapitate creator Mike Wallace in a duel; the match ended in a draw as both men were so old that they quickly ran out of energy.
In 2100 Rooney will be the official representative in the United Worlds Conference located in the place form wherever the guy who invented Scientology came from.
[edit] Short List of Things Andy Has Not Complained About
- Columbus Day
- Porcupines
- Jewsus
- Antarctica
- Neon Signs (Note: He once complained about they burning his eyes, but later retracted his comment, supposedly a bet involving a chicken, a rubber glove, Leonardo DiCaprio, several hundred glowsticks, and a sweatervest.)
[edit] Trivia
- If you play Andy Rooney diatribes and Dark Side Of The Moon by Pink Floyd at the same time, it all synchs up.
- Rooney, as mentioned before, was a key member of the Spanish Inquisition, where his torturous style of speaking was used when water torture and the pendulum weren't enough to make non-Catholics convert.
- It was rumored for a while that Rooney was used as a verbal abuser by the Nazis at concentration camps during the Holocaust, but this has been proven to be false.
- Rooney as often cited as the real reason why Barbara Walters left 60 Minutes, partly because he (as a joke) suggested the whole "If you were a tree..." questioning to her for her interview with Katherine Hepburn.
- When Bruce Banner gets angry he turns into The Incredible Hulk. When he gets even angrier he turns into Andy Rooney.
- Andy Rooney didn't even know about Trey Parker & Matt Stone, he painstakenly intervieved them, what he didn't know is that Matt & Trey, and also him, were at a motel, and they banged him "ALL THE WAYYYYYYY!"
