Andy Warhol
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Andy Warhol also known as Andy Asshol or Andy War-Hole, named after the really dirty and undescribable things going on in his pants, is hailed today the most pretentious men that ever lived, and is also a mega-asshole.
There are also rumors that he was some kind of anal artist hailing from New York, but to this day these claims reminds unfounded in the scientific community.
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[edit] Childhood
Andy "Vampire Slayer" Warhol was emerged from his growth pod in 1956 by the world famous Slovak world champion of sledge Bogdanic Wherehole. He was raised in the tiny village of Kurva Hora in the Tatra mountains, Slovakia and in turn he became repulsively obese, often running about eating big barrels of goat cheese, trying to get someone to join his fist-sex celebration. Nobody liked him for this, as you probably can imagine, but it didn't matter. The boy had a talent for painting big cocks, telephone numbers, swastikas and other nonsense graffiti on trees and the toilets of bars. ´The elders of the town thought it was beautiful and said to Andy's dad:
| Mr Warhol, your son will make all family happy, you must go to the commissar of communist party-office and get big paycheck, he making our city real nice with painted cocks |
Andy's father took these wise words into consideration.
[edit] Quick facts
- This is not true! Andy Warhol was born in the USA in Pittsburgh and was born in 1928
- This is not true! Andy Warhol was born in the United States of Funk and was born in the state of boogie in 1295
- This is true! This sentence about Andy Warhole is not true.
- Andy Warhol was trapped in a comdom for 2 years after trying to commit suicide.
- Andy Warhol's nipples are the size are roughly the same size as a small pizza from Dominoes.
- Andy Warhol is a tit monkey.
- Andy Warhol is part of the religion of The Flying Spaghetti Monster
- Andy Warhol looks a scream, hanging on my wall.
- Warthole was ex-communicated from his church congregation after a summer bible camp retreat, which he and the church priest were shaperoning, led to a violent outbreak of genital and anal warts among the young boys in attendance. He was relocated to a new church congregation, teeming with fresh meat, and now makes philanthropic donations to the defense funds of clergymen accused of finger-fucking adolescent boys. True story.
[edit] Teenage years
When he was 16 his family moved so that he could attend the prestigious boat to America, where his father wanted to make money off his talent. The family of the Warhols had long dreamed of America, the most beautiful place were they could have as much moldy porridge and goat cheese as they wanted. Where water wasn't full of bugs and where the sun was shining sometimes, America seemed so beautiful! It was the land of Beer and butter, semi-pasteurized milk and syrup! Unfortunately on the way to America, all of the family and relatives (including Babushka Warhol) where thrown in to the water outside Newfoundland because they were condemned as freeloading communists scum by the captain of the ship. This didn't matter, the family swum over the Atlantic. 6 years later, Andy swum ashore on the island of Manhattan. He was dragged up into West Village from the Hudson river, by a kind collie called Lassie, that was later renamed Lou Reed for copyright reasons.
[edit] Early Career
Early within his career, Andy Warhol met the famous television pet, Lassie. Long off the big screen, Lassie had become bitter and filled with Greed. Seeing Andy as a new chance, Lassie trapped Andy within an apartment where he was forced by the collie to work in poor standards, mass-producing paintings of uninteresting things. If he failed to paint, or did not do a good job, Lassie would tear large amounts of flesh from Andy's side and extremities. This is also how he cot the name, "Three-toed slayer". In the end, Lassie used all of the money made through selling Andy's work to have an operation which, had it not failed, would have transformed him into a, preferably, gay man. When Lassie died upon the operating table, Andy was once again a free man.
[edit] Musical Experimentation
Just before his big break in the art world, it is claimed that in a rare moment of ecstasy (which was caused by taking "ecstasy pills") Andy Warhol foresaw and invented the genre of Throat Singing. When quizzed on this just before his tragic death he merely remarked, "When I meant throat singing, I meant introducing certain "banana-like objects" into my throat, if you know what I mean!". He then later commented he was talking about penises.
[edit] Breaking the Barrier
Andy was an immediate sensation in the art world. Even though he was the first Slovak ever to cross the Atlantic he led the Slovaks to a supreme artistic victory that year before losing to the surrealists in double overtime. Andy vowed he would be back and signed a new contract with Lou Reed, this time he was going on an tour of New York trying to act as pretentious as he was. Although his utterly pretentiousness bored people, and the nonsensical paintings of crying puppies hidden in towels became not the success he hoped for.
He still continued to try to paint the product placements that he had done in the "Lou Reed wants to be a human and not a collie so he forces Andy to paint"-days. But had not the similar success. Instead he turned to film making, his most famous movie "Having a wank" is about a man eating a banana. It was hailed as the biggest blockbuster of 1977.
[edit] Romance
In 1974, Warhol was shot twice in the chest by former-Beatle/"avant-garde clue" artist Yoko Ono. Warhol immediately fell in love with her, and the two moved to Yoko's secret lair, the North Dakota Building. They made new forms of music, such as the song "Euthanasia," which is a recording of Yoko and Andy killing dogs. Yoko also introduced Andy to "primal scream therapy." Warhol, during his time with Yoko, would redo the soundtrack to all 800 of his films to have him screaming.
Lennon, who was off in L.A. selling dope with Harry Nilsson, had split up with Yoko. Once he finished, he came back, and had sex with Elton John at Madison Square Garden on Thanksgiving. Warhol, tired of Yoko, was jealous of John, and offered a "trade." In order to convince John, he promised to design an album for him. Lennon agreed, though later regretted both getting back Yoko as well as Warhol's album design, as it was called "Menlove Ave.", a reference to homosexuality. Lennon moved to a "Menlove Ave.", to make people think the album title referred to his address.
[edit] An Unfortunate Demise
In the summer of 1988 ugly feminist hooker Valerie Solanas spat at Andy Warhol because of his unwillingness to take her new fashion collection, "COCKS ROX!", seriously. Andy took extreme offense to the spitting and went into a crisis. Andy has not been himself since and is reported to be lost in the deep jungles of the Congo. By appointment of King Leopold of Belgium, Henry Morton Stanley has followed Andy's trail of Campbell's soup cans found within the jungle, but all attempts to catch Andy have yet to be successful.
