Angelina Jolie

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

SABOTAGE

Miniplenty mark article doubleplusungood for party, proles. Miniluv rectify fullwise.

	NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!
	The article you are looking at may not be work safe!
	If a boss or coworker saw this article, claim that it was spam and blame the IT guys. Otherwise, continue to read it until your lewd urges are satisfied.

Her boobs are only seen by Brad pitt. People who she has rejected can not see her boobs. For these people she holds her hands on her boobs, as on this photo.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Angelina Jolie.

Angelina "Womb Raider" Jolie is renowned as one of the most infamous child traffickers in the modern world.

1 Early history
2 Medicinal properties
3 Relative hotness
- 3.1 Things hotter than Angelina Jolie
- 3.2 Things less hot than Angelina Jolie
4 Vulva
5 Rumors
- 5.1 Family
- 5.2 Catfight
6 Children
7 Filmography
8 Jolie vs. Aniston

[edit] Early history

In 1992 she underwent a lip implant, becoming the first Hollywood superstar with 80s-style overstuffed sofa cushions for lips. Her first Hollywood film role was as Madonna's Chair in Evita.

From 1995 her acting career built strength on strength, her notice in supporting roles leading to starring roles, culminating in her Oscar-winning role as Lara Croft for the Ingmar Bergman-produced Tomb Raider in 2001. (Jolie broke up with Oscar soon after.) In order to prepare for this film, Angelina Jolie lived for six months in a cave, wore bats in her hair, and ran repeatedly into walls.

Jolie is a proud humanitarian and the owner of Vietnam's child population, so she is courted by the GAP corporation. She has promised the UN to persuade every man she sleeps with to adopt a child for old times sake.

At some mysterious point in time, women and gay men everywhere decided she was the hotest girl ever, while strait men had no say in this. This is ironic as well as retarded.

Jolie is also too rich.

[edit] Medicinal properties

Can be used to initiate anorexia in women.
A home remedy for impotence.
Initiates bisexuality in women. May induce full-blown lesbianism.
Aphrodisiac to married co-stars.

[edit] Relative hotness

[edit] Things hotter than Angelina Jolie

Two Angelina Jolies.
<insert name here> getting off with Angelina Jolie.
Angelina Jolie lezzing it up with Jessica Alba.
Angelina Jolie lezzing it up with Angelina Jolie.
Angelina Jolie holding her Decree Absolute.
Angelina Jolie being acquitted of the grisly murder of Brad Pitt
Two Angelina Jolies holding their Decrees Absolute while lezzing it up with Jessica Alba and Kylie Minogue after being acquitted of the murder of Brad Pitt.
Angelina Jolie in an all-nude remake of Land of the Giants, where you get to be the actor who crawls up the mysterious dripping cave.

[edit] Things less hot than Angelina Jolie

Oscar Wilde, slightly
Skankity Slut-Slut, considerably
Angelina Jolie lezzing it up with Björk, pleasing to look at but Icelandic terms of endearment are disturbing when spoken in english.

[edit] Vulva

A spin-off Lara Croft board game features her vulva as the end point. Gameplayers who throw a 6 end up inside her. None have returned.

We warned you. You couldn't handle her.

[edit] Rumors

[edit] Family

After an incident at the Oscars with her brother, she had to deny various rumors that the two of them were involved in an unthinkably gross relationship. In an interview with New York Times, she stated, "My sex life is quite normal. I even lost my virginity at the relatively old age of 17, to actor Jon Voight."

[edit] Catfight

In the women's toilet after 2006 Grammy awards, Jennifer Aniston walked up to the sexy Queen, and the following catfight ensued.

"You have some nerve", said Aniston, "You stole Brad from me. How could you?"

"Sorry darling", replied Angelina, "He chose me because I'm younger, bustier, taller, stronger, sexier and better than you in every way. I'm not some sympathy-seeking pathetic TV actress."

Jennifer then slapped Angelina, breaking her hand but having no appreciable effect on Jolie, who then blew on Jennifer knocking her over. The rest of this was blow for blow the same as that Giant Chicken fight from Family Guy, you know when they do that? Anyway, Aniston is left twitching but (unknown to Jolie) still alive, as Jolie drives off in her thermodynamic car.

Seeing this, Vince Vaughn also dumped Jennifer Aniston and is now trying to get a golf game going with Brad Pitt. Whatta jerk.

[edit] Children

Stated in the The Holy California Immigration Law Bible: With Wetbacks and Cholos Preface, Chapter 378, Paragraph 69, Line 8 reads "...then cometh a baby not born of a mothers womb but adopted into her embrace, may bone her without legal confrontation." Roughly translated, it means her kids can and will watch mommy Angelina take showers. Angelina used to eat dogs before she met brad. He converted her eating habits and she now loves bathing in human sweat. Whilst drinking vampire blood. She actually owns a vampire..That's right...I went there

[edit] Filmography

The Donna Reed Show - Television Series (1954) .... Donna
Spider-man and his Amazing Friends - Television Series(1981) .... Firestar
Lookin' to Get Out (1982) .... Tosh
Cyborg 2 (1993) .... Casella 'Cash' Reese
- No one ever rents Cyborg 1
Alice & Viril (1993) .... Alice
Without Evidence (1995) .... Jodie Swearingen
Hackers (1995) .... Kate Libby/'Acid Burn'
Mojave Moon (1996) .... Eleanor 'Elie' Rigby
Love Is All There Is (1996) .... Gina Malacici
Foxfire (1996) .... Margret 'Legs' Sadovsky
Playing God (1997) .... Claire
Gia (1998) (TV) .... Gia Marie Carangi, only hotter
Hell's Kitchen (1998) .... Gloria McNeary
Playing by Heart (1999) .... Joan
Pushing Tin (1999) .... Mary Bell
The Boner Collector (1999) .... Amelia Donaghy
Girl, Interrupted (1999) .... Lisa Rowe
Done in Sixty Seconds (2000) ....'Sway
- The Brad Pitt version. How did he hold out so long?
Adopted in Sixty Seconds (2000) ... 'Sway
Oh My God, My Tits Popped Out! (2000) .... Inconsequential
Dora the Tomb-Raiding Explorer: Barely Legal (2001) .... Dora
Original Shit (2001) .... Julia Russell/Bonnie Castle
Original Slut (2001)......Julia Russell/Bonnie Castle
Life or Something Like It (2002) .... Lanie Kerrigan
Giving Birth or Something Like It (2002) .... Herself
Dora the Explorer: Rocking the Cradle (2003) .... Dora
Taking Lives (2004) .... Illeana
Taking Heroin (2004) .... Illeana
Taking without owner's consent (2004) .... Illeana
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004) .... Franky
Firefox (2004)
- browser-based sequel to Foxfire (1996).
Good Morning Vietnam....its time for adoption!
Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005) .... Jane Smith
Jennifer Aniston's Sex Life, Interrupted (2005).... Herself.
Youtube the Movie: Beating up Teachers (2006) .... Another entry in the Foxfire series.
Mr, Mrs. & Mrs. Smith (2006?) .... In production.
- sequel, reportedly costarring Billy Bob Thorton. In a Menage a trois.
I am soooooo much better than YOU (2006) .... Herself.
Craidle Raider (2156) .... Lara Croft