Aunt Jemima

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Oops! I said it first.
I ain't Ja Mama, I ain't ya Sistah, I ain't ya Grand Mammy neither!
I am Aunt Jemima and I coined that 'ol SOB!!
Fo shizzle my nizzle Snoop Dogg ain't got nothin' on me!

"Aunt Jemima says you can lick my Jemima!!!"

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Aunt Jemima.

Aunt Jemima is a noted abolitionist, feminist, and religious figure. According to the 2020 census, over 15,000 people claim themselves to be Jemima's Witnesses, not to be confused with gangstas. Aunt Jemima needs witnesses because she is black, which means she MUST be Monique John. She has recently been engaged to Uncle Ben. Several people in the Himalayas see Aunt Jamaima as a demi-god.

1 Escape
2 Missing?
3 The Scandal
4 Recent times
5 Hotcake Trivia
6 See Also

[edit] Escape

Danny Bonaduce had his first crush on Aunt Jemima

Born in 1776, she fled north to escape slavery, initially taking refuge in a maple forest in Soviet Canuckistan. There she was to discover the sap which was to serve as the base for the first maple syrup products.

Unfortunately, this discovery proved to be useless until crêpes were invented 11 years later by former Canadian prime minister Jean Poutine.

In 1865 when Abe Simpson made slavery illegal, Aunt Jemima married Mister Clean. On their honeymoon, they went on a cruise ship with Captain Cupcake. Little Debbie was their firstborn child. They also had a son they named Oscar Mayer. Both children were delivered by the well-known OBGYN, Dr. Pepper, but the family just refers to him as Uncle Ben. After this, she developed Anti-STD, kept having sexual intercourse and had all of her brothers lick her Jemima.

[edit] Missing?

Aunt Jemima dropped from public view on March 31^st, 1899. She was last seen entering her rustic Log Cabin on that night; the next day friends found signs of a struggle, but didn't immediately report it to police as they thought it was one of Jemima's many practical jokes. The case is still open and police sources close to the case believe that she was kidnapped by cereal killer Ed Nargley. Unfortunately, the evidence is inconclusive.

Her disappearance led to the creation of Jemima's Law, which stated that the criminally insane must register with local police when living within a kilometer of a famous fictional breakfast food mascots. President Calvin Coolidge signed this legislation into law on March 31^st, 1919, the twentieth anniversary of her disappearance.

[edit] The Scandal

Aunt Jemima is also rumored to have been Bill Clinton's mistress, while Mr. Clinton was in the office. It is also rumored that Jemima and Bill Clinton have an illegitimate child, who may go by the name Monique John.

Ready for a cumshot?

It is also a proven fact that Aunt Jemima had an affair with Hillary Clinton after Bill's presidency . When Hillary is not on the campaign trail, she and Jemima spend weekends in Vermont with their 6 adopted children, Flapjack, Flapjean, Flapgeorge, Flapthomas, FLapperz, and Flapmaybelle, also known as the little darklings.

Aunt Jemima is black.

[edit] Recent times

Aunt Jemima became a cereal killer, and attempted murder at Betty Crocker and Mrs. Butterworth, who were saved by an unknown Deep Throat later revealed to be a well known cultural figure [see below].

The original Jemima prototype, after a rampage of terror, was finally taken down by the Terminator in the year 2036 when he managed to sneak behind it while it read it's favorite novel "Chemical Magics For African Hair". It's outer rubber skin was removed and the "Off" switch was finally switched, ending the saga of Jemima's reign, which was caused in the first place by a large amount of dried maple syrup powder sucked into-side of the Jemima's circuitry through nasal inhalation.

Aunt Jemima The Fourth AKA The latest perfected model of Jemimas [not available for public purchase] is set to play the lead in the motion picture, Big Worm co-starring Rue McClanahan and Johnny Depp. With a new orchestral score by Tay Zonday.

[edit] Hotcake Trivia

If ever asked What's big, black and loves pancakes?, the answer is invariably Aunt Jemima.
Is the only other female champion of civil rights next to Harriet Tubman .
Used to be a practicing Southern Baptist , but has since converted to Uncle Ben's Church of Steamed Rice.
Once unsuccessfully tried to best Oprah in a waffle eating contest. She turned her loss into a pancake empire.
Comes from a long line of stereotypical African commercial food cooks and chefs. Her family includes the Cream of Wheat chef, Uncle Ben, Mrs. Butterworth, and the kids from Mammy Yams.
Is capable of defeating Ultra Jesus.
Was the inspiration behind many late nineties pop rock, including: "Black Death Monikor" Stevie Jay and the Wondersluts; "All in the family" The Bistro Bakery; "The Star Spangled Banner" AmerikA
Was responsible for the abominable Flying Flapjack clones sold as her frozen pancakes.