Angry Nintendo Nerd

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MANY FACTS DETECTED

Nappa: Vegeta! What does the scouter say on this page's fact level?

Vegeta: IT'S OVER NINE-THOUSAAAAAAAAAND!

“Dammit! What the ass-fuck?! These games suck diarrhea monkey fuck!”

~ Oscar Wilde on NES Games

“I've just read this article and I must say, it's fucking retarded! I mean, why are there no fucking pictures? This is a Wiki-article for fuck's sake - the least you could expect from any half-decent article on any Wiki-based website is just one goddamn picture. What the hell was the author thinking?! It's like they thought "Hey, let's make this the most fucking boring article to look at in all of Uncyclopedia". It just sucks. And the next thing you notice when reading this article is that there are NO edit section buttons. I mean, did the contributors even stop for a second to think about that little detail? It's fucking annoying. A sectional edit button would make it a lot easier to edit this piece of shit article, but no, the developers just had throw in that stupid crap. And about that table of contents box up here - why does it have to have gray background? I mean, there's like 10 million colors that the human eye can see - why pick the single most boring color variation ever? Couldn't they just have made the ToC background, like, yellow? That would be a lot cooler. And why the Hell do I have to scroll all the way down to the bottom of the article to see the only actually redeeming part of this, namely, the links to my stuff? They should have put that in the beginning instead. Then I wouldn't have to read through this piece of shit article just to see the only thing good about it! I mean, do I really have to scroll through an actual list of my reviews without a single fucking joke thrown in? Is this a humor website or fucking what? It's fucking retarded and makes my ass puke buttchunks.”

~ Angry Nintendo Nerd on reviewing this article

The Angry Video Game Nerd was born James N. Nerdswell in Assington, New Jersey in a shithole of a hospital. He proved a difficult birth for his mother, who made repeated requests to "get this fucking clump of donkey shit out of me" while giving lewd gestures to the doctor, who succeeded in calming her by giving her two bottles of Rolling Rock through a beer bong. When James finally came sliding out of his mother's womb, his father is said to have exclaimed "Holy fuckwad!" in surprise, as baby James was actually born wearing his trademark glasses and pocket protector.

Contents

Infanthood

According to his mother, James' first word was "mama", his second was "dada", and his third was "ass-shit". He proved a handful to his parents, often berating the food they served him as a "pile of rhinoceros feces" and refusing to eat it. The only think he seemed to accept was Rolling Rock beer, chilled and served in a baby bottle. His father recounts that baby James was strongly adverse to wearing soiled diapers, and would often call out "Is somebody gonna take off this sack of festering shit you strapped to my waist?" until someone would change him.

Youth and discovery of Nintendo

On Christmas of 1985, James received a Nintendo Entertainment System, and shouted hysterically "OH MY FUCKING GOD! OH MY FUCKING SHIT-FUCK GOD, IT'S AN MOTHERFUCKING NINTENDO! YES!! YES!!!" as he removed the wrapping and discovered what it was.

The next five years of his childhood were spent trying to land the plane in NES Top Gun. To this day he has not succeeded once.

School days

In junior high and high school, James would be sent to the principals office repeatedly for explicit criticism of his teachers ("Your teaching is total ass! I'd rather stick my face in a pile of elephant feces while having shit-aliens probe me up the ass than take your fucking classes!") and was suspended twice for possession and consumption of alcohol on the school premises. Yet, James excelled in all academic classes other than English, as his teacher would deduct points for every time he used the words "fuck" or "shit", often resulting in a negative score.

AVGN today

Today James can be found on viral videos taking you back to the past while playing shitty games that suck ass.

Games Shitloads and or pieces of fuck/shit he has reviewed

  • Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest (NES)
  • Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (NES)
  • Karate Kid (NES)
  • Who the Fuck Framed Roger Rabbit? Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (NES)
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (NES)
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 (Movies)
  • Back to the Future (NES)
    • Also includes a review of Back to the Future 2 & 3 for NES.
  • M.C. Kids (NES)
  • Wally Bear and the NO! Gang (NES)
  • Master Chu & the Drunkard Hu (NES)
  • Top Gun (NES)
    • Also includes a review of Top Gun: The Second Mission for NES.
  • Double Dragon 3 (NES)
  • Friday the 13th (NES)
  • Boo! Haunted House! A Nightmare on Elm Street (NES)
  • Nintendo Power Glove by Mattel
  • Rocky (Sega Master System)
  • A Bible Games holiday special with:
    • Bible Adventures (NES)
    • Bible Buffet (NES)
    • Super 3-D Fuck Farts Super Noah's Ark 3-D (SNES)
    • Book of Genesis (Sega Genesis)
    • King of Kings (NES)
  • Atari 5200
  • A 3-part Ghostbusters special with:
    • Ghostbusters (NES, Atari 2600, & Sega Master System)
    • Ghostbusters 2 (NES)
    • Ghostbusters (Sega Genesis, different game than other Ghostbusters game)
  • A Spider-Man special with:
    • Spider-Man (Atari 2600)
    • Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Shit Six (NES)
    • The Amazing Spider-Man (Game Boy)
    • Spider-Man 2 (Game Boy Advance)
  • Sega CD
  • Sega 32X
  • Silver Surfer (NES)
  • Die Hard (NES)
  • Independence Day (PS1)
  • A Simpsons double feature with:
    • The Simpsons: Bart vs. the Space Mutants (NES)
    • The Simpsons: Bart vs. the World (NES)
  • Home Alone (NES)
  • Bugs Bunny Birthday Blow-out (NES)
  • Atari 2600 porno games
  • Nintendo Power magazine retrospective
  • Addams Family: Fester's Quest (NES)
    • Also includes a review of Addams Family Values for Sega Genesis.
  • Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Atari 2600)
  • Friday the 13th COMMENTARY
  • Halloween (Atari 2600)
    • Also includes a review of Haunted House for Atari 2600.
    • Frankenstein for Atari 2600.
  • Dragon's Lair (NES)
  • A 2-part Christmas Carol special with:
    • Home Alone 2 (NES)
    • Shaq Fu (SNES)
    • Far Cry Vengeance( Wii)
    • Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz (Wii)
    • Boogie (Wii)
  • Rambo (NES) and Sega Master System and other versions
  • Virtual Boy
  • The Wizard of Oz (SNES)
  • A Double Vision special with 2 consoles:
    • Intellivision
    • Colecovision
  • A Double Review that contains:
    • The Wizard (Movies)
    • Super Mario Bros. 3 (NES) which is made by Satan!!!!!
  • NES Accessories (Most of them except that Robot).
  • The Indiana Jones Trilogy (4 games in the one review)
  • Star Trek (Live Long and Prosper)
  • Superman (Atari and NES)

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