Ann Arbor
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Capitol of Michigan, affectionately called the "City of Fish".
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[edit] Genesis
The "City of Ann Arbor" was once the charming pet name of an experimental fungus, which Solidaristic Workers of the Twentieth Century President and Treasurer Paul Saginaw harvested from his mattress in preparation for a global Spartacist fourth-grade science fair. When Saginaw became a man, however, he and his friend Iggy Pop fell out and Pop formed the Stooges, a factionalist splinter group. Saginaw was then forced to abolish Solidaristic Workers of the Twentieth Century, since he and Pop had been its only members.
In a dramatic next move, Saginaw sold the co-op that he and Pop had once called home to Community High School, who turned it into a vegetative states laboratory called Foundations of Science and continued botanical research on Saginaw's mattress. Later, the rather unwieldy name "Foundations of Science" was shortened to Wazoo.
The "City of Ann Arbor," like Saginaw before it, became a man in 1967 when John Conyers was forced to take refuge at Wazoo after an attempt on his life by a raging, Molotov-cocktail wielding coalition of rioters, corrupt cops, stoned college protestors, striking UAW members, French fur trappers, candy ravers, Eminem, Michael Moore, Kid Rock, and Gerald Ford. Conyers possessed a secret, still not known to the public at large, about what Michigan really is and why it is the way it is. In order to prevent the secret from falling into the wrong hands, the ever-imaginative Conyers gave a brain to the "City of Ann Arbor," now a ten-foot tall mushroom with hundreds of tiny blinking eyes that dappled its flesh at random, so that the secret of Michigan could be stored without the risk of being told. "What could be more appropriate to the exigencies of the situation," thought Conyers, "than an organism such as this, which has no mouth with which to speak?"
Then Conyers passed out from the exhaustion, as well as chronic exposure to automobile exhaust fumes, which was and remains Conyers's drug of choice. When Conyers finally awoke, days later, it was in a Frat Row living room with a drooly beer bong half-masticated in his mouth and no memory of the events that had preceded his incapacitation.
Ann Arbor had been born.
[edit] Not Just Another Male Prostitute
At once awkward, svelt, gangly, and slithery, Ann Arbor in its earliest post-fungal childhood incarnation was renowned for its lack of bone matter. Held together entirely by a cartilage whose heretofore unseen, preternatural flexibility attracted national attention for the City of Ann Arbor as "The Rubber Boy," the mid-sized Southeast Michigan community quickly used its notoriety to develop skills as cunning image manipulator.
The Central Intelligence Agency first contacted Ann Arbor between tapings of the City's second appearance on the then-popular television program "Laugh-In." Since it was founded by Clay Shaw on November 22, 1963, the CIA had laid the groundwork for covert research in the heart of the academic community. With the help of Dr. Sidney Gotlieb, the CIA had already dosed a considerable number of famous scholars with McUltra, the substance that would eventually be exploited by the McDonald's Corporation to inculcate mind control among children and young adults en masse. With research projects underway across the country and throughout the cinderblocked basements of the Ivy League, the CIA had decided to up the ante: Found a public land-grant university devoted entirely to secret research projects for the war in Vietnam. Ann Arbor was just the City the CIA needed to make "The Corridor" a reality.
There was no time to waste, since McUltra was proving extremely addictive and some of the finest minds in the CIA's legion of secretly-funded intellectuals were rapidly becoming overweight. Dr. Timothy Leary of Harvard had written extensively on the hallucinations and delusions of grandeur that had resulted from huge pockets of saturated fat unexpectedly absorbing into his brain.
Despite his celebrity status, Ann Arbor was opposed to the war in Vietnam; still, he knew in his heart of hearts that he was only a novelty act, and he felt that to adopt a public stance on the divisive issue would be pushing his luck. On a lunch of Brillo pads at the famous art studio of Mama Cass, however, all of this was forgotten when Ann Arbor heard about "The Corridor." The two agents present, calling themselves Agent Helms and Agent Orange, promised Ann Arbor that the first research project to receive funding via "The Corridor" would be a titanium-reinforced robotic exoskeleton for Ann Arbor himself, so that he could stand up straight like all of the other boys.
It was Ann Arbor himself who, at that auspicious first meeting, originated the name "The University of Michigan". Even before he slurped down the last dribbly remains of his McUltra milkshake, Ann Arbor had reactivated a host of the dreams and fantasies of his earliest childhood, hopes that he had long since only thought that he had abandoned.
[edit] Business is Booming!
With the insertion of a 96-inch plexiglas tube (previously and then formerly used as bong by opportunistic college students) into the untested pink crack of Ann Arbor's anus, construction on "The Corridor" a.k.a. "The University of Michigan" had begun. Celebrity guest Harlan Hatcher christened the insertion by breaking a bottle of champagne over the tube, the culmination of an elaborate and luxurious ceremony conducted in absolute secrecy in a laboratory 50 feet underground.
Despite the noise and tubing, the events were just a distance ship's smoke on the horizon for little Ann Arbor, as a trio of needles plunged into both of his eyes kept his brain fed on a steady diet of McUltra. He pictured himself hoisting baseball bats, squeezing pretty young girls, and spending enormous amounts of time on complex landscaping projects, all with the use of his new bionic arms. Under the heady influence of McUltra and a constant stream of stimuli from other sources, of which he had only the scantiest awareness, his brain soon immersed itself in fantasy. When CIA research scientists sawed and then removed most of his skull, in order to begin serious surgical work on his brain, Ann Arbor completely lost touch with reality.
He envisioned himself expanding. As it so often does, McUltra saturated his nerves with a wholly-undeserved feeling of omnipotence. He envisioned himself expanding, new roads screaming out of himself into the countryside, he gave the roads names: Liberty, Jackson, Stadium, Pontiac Trail, Ann Arbor-Saline. And at the ends of the roads he envisioned residential construction projects, more and more and more residential construction projects, encircling him like a beige-brown halo. So mild. He saw a crown in which hundreds of thousands of his most eager worshippers could gather, be merry, and praise him in sweaty, screaming, feverish incantations of slogans, each one more asinine and incomprehensible than the last.
Ann Arbor would dress them all in ceremonial uniforms; and he named colors for himself. Blue was for the sky, a symbol of himself, the presence that enclosed all of his followers whatever their creed or affiliation. And maze was for the labyrinthine character of his streets, a tangle which would only grow more convoluted with the accumulating years, and would do so much to deter foreign invasion.
Uniforms. He would strip them and dress them in uniforms of blue and maze.
Meanwhile, in the real world, the CIA had recruited a faculty of tremendous accomplishment and staggering indifference to undergraduate teaching for the University of Michigan.
Ann Arbor is now known the "Swimming Capital of Michigan." America's Olympic gold stealer Michael Phelps and his swimmer friends lives here! His bodyguards are subject to guard this place.
[edit] Enter Ahab
Once the University of Michigan was up and running, Orange and Helms quickly realized that without students the project would be prone to public exposure and the two agents themselves to assassination. Hours of dithering, weeping, and peripatetic conversations spread out over the impressive space of the two agents' huge, handsomely furnished, yet empty university campus, finally resulted in a plan. Using the fruits of their state-of-the-art black ops training, Orange and Helms went to work on the gullible population of Kentuckistan. Poll results indicated substantial interest in moving North among assorted shit-kickers and former trucking certificate holders of that state, and, if enough of them could be convinced to become college students, it was clear that graduation would never pose a threat.
Most of the people in Kentuckistan did not even know what a "liberal arts curriculum" was, though it was through no fault of their own--the words "liberal arts curriculum" had been banned in Kentuckistan since 1900, when a traumatized nation was still struggling to recover from the trauma of the McKinley assassination. Fortunately, however, Dr. Gotlieb had recently refined a super-powerful new version of McUltra, termed the "Big Mac" by insiders, which enabled Helms and Orange to get every man, woman, and child of Kentuckistan quoting Susan Sontag and the New Critics with just a single droplet in the Lexington water treatment plant. Helms and Orange commissioned new dormitory facilities, named them Monroe, Milan, Wayne, and Ypsilanti, specially designed with the unique needs of Kentuckistanis in mind.
Within days of the arrival of the first 10,000 drooling, illiterate Kentuckistanis, a great tower was erected to commemorate the birth of standardized time. A petition to rename Ann Arbor "New Greenwich" was submitted for consideration to the City Council by the peg-legged Pirate Davidson, well known in Michigan circles as a serviceable if derivative villain. The first time the cold knock of his lengthy false appendage was heard resonating in the halls of the Ann Arbor City Council, the feeling was pervasive that a moment of great portent was underway; and indeed it was, as this was the City Council meeting in which the War Against Time would begin.
Since no one could have known that day that this would be the struggle that would permanently define Ann Arbor, it is all too telling that so many of the speakers present expressed the desire to continue speaking after their allotted time had expired.
