Anne Boleyn
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Anne Boleyn, the second of Henry VIII’s six wives (and sixty mistresses), was a whore. That is, she was a whore if her detractors are to be believed. We all know that Catholic writers of the time were completely honest and unbiased, particularly when writing about someone who didn’t share their religious beliefs - or someone trying to steal their husband, so we’ll just believe them for the sake of expediency.
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[edit] Childhood
No one really knows exactly when Anne Boleyn was born, because she was a woman, and everyone knows that no one liked women back then. What we do know (and by “we” I mean “I”) is that it was near enough 1500, she was born at Hever, which is somewhere in Spain. I think. Or in England, which would make more sense.
Anyway, Anne Boleyn was the second born child of Thomas and Elizabeth Boleyn, of twelve. Unfortunately for them, only three survived: Mary, Anne, and Boy George however the boleyn name ended there, seeing as the only heir liked it...shall we say 'the other way'??. Well, maybe it wasn’t so unfortunate; the Boleyn clan hadn’t exactly risen to prominence at that point, and God only knows that having twelve children is enough to thwart anyone’s political ambitions.
Anne was allowed to be taught by her brother’s tutors, but she was a bad student, and only learnt three languages, and none of them English. I kid you not.
At the ripe old age of twelve (or thereabouts), Anne was sent to France in the entourage of Henry VIII’s bratty sister, Mary, who was being married off to some old guy named Louis. After Louie bit the dust a few months after the marriage from exhausting himself having sex with his bride (it’s true-look it up), Mary returned to England, but Anne and her older sister stayed on in France for God knows what reason. Perhaps the reason is that, at that time, France was the pinnacle of European sophistication, but that’s probably not it.
[edit] Return to Merry Olde Enga-lond
When Anne was roughly twenty-two, a political shit storm started between England and France that threatened to turn into a nasty battle that wouldn’t turn out like the Battle of the Spurs, and all British citizens in France were given rather strong hints that it was about damn time that they went home. Anne and her sister, Mary, reluctantly returned to England and joined what turned out to be a depressingly dull court (compared to France, that is. Yeah).
While at the English court, Anne fell in love with a fop named Percy, and the couple planned to elope to escape the wrath of their fathers, but Cardinal Wolsey, some fat guy who was one of the King's ministers, found out about the plan and proved to be a prick when he forced them to separate. As a result, Anne became quite bitter and adamant that she would instigate Wolsey's downfall. And for the record, "instigate" is a good word.
[edit] Shakespeare Henry in love
It is not known exactly when Anne caught the eye of the guy who was, at the time, sleeping with her sister (yeah, look it up), but somehow she did, despite not being a great beauty (Henry was a bit of a bastard about appearance). What is known is that once Henry fell in love with Anne, he acted like a dog in heat, minus the surprise humping from behind.
[edit] Death
supposedly, Anne got chopped up because she slept with her courtiers and brother. However this may not be strictly true... many people are now saying that it was because she was just a mean person in general. I mean, the king did not want to be seen out in public with a woman who was so mean as to name a dance "The Going To Hell Of Cardinal Wolsey" did he? Course not, that would have been way too embarrassing. In fact it wasn't even even because she was named a witch and a whore. Nope. It was all because...wait for it...she had SIX fingers!!! (You would think that King Henry would have liked that, as he seemed to love the number SIX so much...
