Ann Coulter

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This article may be Overly American. Brits may not understand humor, only humour. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't not attempt to remedy this.

The writer of this article is an American Liberal and has a tree huggin', baby clubbin' outlook.

They may even work at the ACLU or, worse, be an unelected liberal activist judge. For information on the best way to save our great nation from scum like this watch Fox News (Psst. He's probably also a communist; quick! Inform HUAC!)

“Waaaah! She called me a faggot! Mummyyy!”

~ John Edwards on Ann Coulter

“She's quite right. I want Jews to be perfected too.”

~ Adolf Hitler on Ann Coulter

“What are you looking at, liberal gay boy? Huh?!”

~ Ann Coulter on You

“I wish that we had more women like her in my country”

~ Osama bin Laden on Ann Coulter

“That misguided whore does not speak for me.”

~ God on Ann Coulter

“A whore designed by a committee.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Ann Coulter

“You're wrong 'bout not hating Ann Coulter Cause she's a cunted cunt”

~ NOFX on Ann Coulter

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ann Coulter.

Ann "Heartless Draconian Prude Ass Bitch" Coulter, born ~~1961~~ ~~1963~~ ~~1969~~ ~~1980~~, is a noted political author and good Christian conservative. She is also a well known model for mens' underwear. Best-known for having a cat fight with John Edwards on live television (which she won by sodomy, although the two later made up and they are currently having a secret love affair),^{[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]} she is also renowned for her moderate and sensible comments on the War on Terror, advocating gentle but firm correction of America's enemies.

Ann Coulter's look at how poor Adolf Hitler was constantly hounded with lies by the Jewish vermin of Nazi Germany. Foreword by Josef Goebbels.

Despite calling herself a conservative, she has, in fact, been labeled a liberal by mainstream political figures such as David Duke and Adolf Hitler, who accuse her of being too soft on Muslims.

Some have also speculated that she may be a cyborg. This has given rise to the widespread accusation that she supported the Iraq War simply so she could get some more oil to drink.

Ann has done many wonderful and noble things throughout her life such as mocking the widows of 9/11, stating that Jews should be "perfected" and in perhaps her most caring and sympathetic moment, she said to a disabled Vietnam war veteran, "No wonder you guys lost". (can't you just feel the love and sensitivity that she gives off just by reading this page?)

[edit] Background and rise to fame

Coulter without makeup.

Coulter was born in New York City in 1961. The second that Ann was born, God looked down in horror at the new demon baby and said, "What have I done? I have truly created a monster". Some have speculated that she may be an extra-terrestrial life form (see picture to the left); however, NASA and SETI have repeatedly declined to investigate this possibility, though they were quick to suggest that she was a psycho, former man-tranny with a ten-inch dick. Shortly after her first birthday, she single-handedly resolved the Cuban Missile Crisis by beating up Nikita Khrushchev and making him cry; she later returned and sodomizedhim to death. Since then, she has been angry that liberal President John F. Kennedy took all the credit. It was also during this period where Coulter had another artificial vagina fitted in an attempt to make the beast more feminine. The doctors, in order to make room, had to remove her third left penis. The vagina was constructed from a rusted bear trap and was remarked its addition befitted Coulter's character perfectly.

In the 1990s she became noteworthy for her attempts to have Bill Clinton impeached, after he failed to respond to her sexual advances at a dinner party. Having failed to do this, she later accused him of being a homosexual. He responded, Bill Clinton: Only gay when it comes to evil, crazy bitches.^[1]

She has since written a number of bestselling books, including an updated second edition of Hitler's Mein Kampf, with the word "Jew" replaced with "liberal" or "Muslim" as required, and the title changed. When asked whether it was acceptable in the modern world to plagiarize the works of Hitler, she responded "Well, he's dead so he can't complain about it. Anyway, who cares about your opinion, liberal gay boy?" Mr. Hitler was unavailable for comment.

[edit] Controversies

[edit] Inaccuracies in books

Ann has actually never made a mistake in her books because she's a perfect Christian. So perfect that she wants Jews to be perfect too, just like her. She has even said the same about Muslims (or as she cleverly calls them, "ragheads" and "camel jockeys"). But enough about how perfect she is. The point is, she has never made a mistake in her books. However, Coulter's latest book, 'If I had a penis, I'd be a man' is littered with many glaring factual and historical inaccuracies. Coulter spends the usual number of chapters insisting Canada sent troops to Vietnam. However this time the new book dedicates a large section to how, according to Coulter, spaghetti grows on trees and the sun orbits the earth. The book is supplemented with a novella entitled 'If Republicans had sense, they'd kill themselves'. This exciting new addition to the literary world is part autobiographical and explores Coulter's (many) failed suicide attempts.

[edit] Child Sex Slave Scandal

In early 2005 Coulter was highly criticized for her role in the child sex slave trade. Coulter was being investigated for several years by the FBI and CIA and it had turned out that she was the ring leader of the largest child sex slave trade in the world. When asked about her role on CBS's Dateline she said quote: "The liberal media wants you to believe that using children as sex slaves is wrong and they will do anything to convince the stupid liberal public of this." When it was pointed out that most of her counterparts do not believe in child sex slaves she said quote "They are liberals masking as conservatives, and God said its ok anyways." She then was informed that it is not ok in Christianity to which she replied that she is "gay" and "hates fags", in the same sentence. She then broke down and confessed the whole thing, that she is "gay" and is a "whore" who does "drugs" likes it in the "poop chute" doesnt "go to church", like she says also that she is in fact a "liberal" who "hates america".

[edit] Sexual harassment of Alan Colmes

Ann had recieved much widespread criticism for anally raping and sodomizing liberal talk show host Alan Colmes, taking a dump on his face and forcing him to eat it. Ann responded by saying, "I did this all the time at my high school. In fact, my fellow gangbangers called me, The Blonde and Beastly Gimp. I don't see any problem with it." After receiving extensive surgery on his ass and his face, Colmes surprisingly defended Ann by saying, "I don't care, I finally lost my virginity!" It was also reported that fellow Fox News pundits Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly were involved in the rape with Hannity videotaping the incident and O'Reilly dressed in a full leather sex outfit and supplying Ann with the sex toys needed, a claim that neither have denied.

[edit] Views on Islam

Ann Coulter's views on Islamic terrorism are also very open-minded and sensible as she has repeatedly stated how we must love and accept them because that's the "Jesus way". However she once made controversy by stating that we should invade Iraq and convert them all to Christianity. Ann responded to this criticism at the Republican National Convention by firmly stating, "Fuck those goddamn fucking faggots who hate me!!! I hate every single one of those fucking sand niggers!!! Fuck converting them!! I say we bomb and rape the living shit out of all of them, especially the women and children!!! I'll even lead the assault!!!" She received a standing ovation from her fellow Republicans afterwards. Despite the approval of her peers, Ann realised that if she was ever going to truly understand Islam, she needed to immerse herself in it completely. To that end, she spent a year living in Saudi Arabia, during which time she converted, married 114 women, personally executed over half the Phillipino maids in the country by sword, became supreme head of the religious police, and then travelled onward to the tribal badlands of Pakistan, where she learned how to fieldstrip an AK-47, and construct a suicide belt from goat's milk and opium at night, in under 30 seconds.

[edit] Accusations of Acromegaly

Around the time he had his first sex change, Anne Coulter had a pituitary gland misfire which caused his hands to swell up and grow roughly to the size of a small battleship. Many impromptu airplane landings have been made on Anne Coulter's palms, but only in cases involving runways far too short for proper landings. Despite the mounting evidence, Anne Coulter still argues that her hands are in fact quite normal for a man who has gone through 6 or 7 sex changes.

[edit] Critics

Ann Coulter, masquerading as her alter ego Ann Dredd when she intervenes in human rights, dignity, and her conscience is more important than the peculiarly universal strategy of liberty.

Critics allege she is an unrepentant user of prohibited substances and an aging whorish slut. Ann is quoted as saying of her critics "They think they are so smart just 'cause they done gone to college and I didn't." she did however go to clown college and attended law school for anorexic victims. Of course, she only managed to get in by threatening to murder every single woman on campus and force each of the men to be her sex slave. She also threatened to devour an entire family of rabbits. This was too great a risk and she was allowed into the school. Fellow students in her graduating class unanimously voted her Most Likely to Become a Complete Fucking Asshole. Shortly thereafter, each and every one of them mysteriously disappeared, never to be seen again. Ann received her diploma under heavy guard. Her valedictorian address ("Fuck you, you fucking faggots!") was the shortest on record.

Despite being a member of the world's oldest profession, Coulter denies that she uses her body to sell her viewpoints, however the aging talking head insists on wearing short skirts to show off her spindly legs and lack of underwear.

Critics also make up inflammatory quotes which they attribute to her. This happens far more frequently than it does to Oscar Wilde, but since Ann is an avid believer in the Liberals Always Lie theory, she doesn't have to defend herself against these accusations which is probably for the best because if she did, she'd end up digging an even deeper hole for herself.

Social critics note that Coulter's vitriolic personality, abusive language, and sarcastic mannerisms keep her from being a woman fulfilled, and thus conclude that she is transgendered. David Brinkley once said that he'd "rather die than ride that dog," referring to Coulter. Upon hearing this, Coulter showed up on Brinkley's doorstep, rang the bell, and when the Dean of American Newsmen answered the door he dropped on the spot rather than "Go where no man has gone before."

[edit] Defeat

The tragic defeat of Ann Coulter by a horse's balls.

In the year 1851, Ann Coulter waged war on Frogland. It has been mentioned earlier that Coulter is a cyborg (as well as a fucking bitch), so in keeping with that, she used her dark powers to summon vast legions of Republican cyborg death machines, including the likes of Condoleeza Rice, Dickard Q. Cheney, Oprah Winfrey (a flaming conservative as you well know), Bill O'Reilly, and Sailor Moon, who is a famous evangelist and the minister of Westboro Baptist Church. The battle lasted twenty years and had over thirty casualties. Unfortunately, Coulter was defeated by the fag-enabling, God-hating liberal army of California when she was caught giving head to Sailor Moon. The enemy proceeded to pawn her artificial vagina (for a paltry sum as it was now rusted beyond all recognition) and anally violate her (which she didn't mind a bit). However, due to an unfortunate bout of flatulence on her part, Coulter's head was irreversibly fused to a horse's ass (see picture), which explains the way her face looks. The horse was amputated in 1969, when sliced bread was invented, and she has proceeded to live a full and normal life despite losing 93 percent of her brain. According to Coulter, losing 30 IQ has helped her immensely, since it meant she qualifies to be a guest on the Faux News channel. The brain fragments, along with the horse, were donated to a McDonald's chicken-nugget factory and haven't been seen since.

[edit] Final Death and Aftermath

In the year, 8369, while in the midst of the Great Gummy Bear War, Commander Swede, the leader of the Nazi dictatorship and king of the Swedish Fish sent out a message for Ann to come and work for them. Ann, having survived this long by feeding off of rats and infants, had recently received a degree in voodoo magic. Despite the fact that her IQ level dropped down to below zero, Ann was a valuable asset to winning the war because she knew how to resurrect Adolf Hitler. By sacrificing the blood of ten virgins, the spirit of Hitler came alive and forced its way into her body by traveling through her ass and into her brain. Now with the spirit of Hitler inside of her, she immediately asked for a Jew to eat. After feasting on Al Franken, Ann was ready to nobly lead the Nazi Swedish Fish to victory. But before anything could happen, an elite squad of Gummy Bears invaded the secret bunker and opened fire. All of the fish including Commander Swede were killed. Ann made a mad dash to escape, but her head soon started throbbing in pain. Apparently, Hitler's spirit had looked into her mind and saw all of the horrible things that she said about minorities and he realized that she was more fucked up than he is. The spirit literally burst out of her bony head and fled back to Hell to spoon with Saddam Hussein and Kim Jong Il. Ann's headless body however, continued to frantically move around with her green alien blood spewing out of her neck. But thanks to the Gummy Bear's trusty flamethrowers, Ann's body was soon reduced to a charred crisp. Thus, the demonic monster known as Ann Coulter was finally no more.

[edit] Fun Factoids

The 1970s film 'The Omen' is loosely based on the childhood of Ann Coulter, but was toned down for general cinema release, and replaced the neo-facist spoutings of the young Coulter with the more abject avatar of SATANIC SPAWN.
Coulter once had sex with a Jew, but Peter Gallagher was just acting. Incidentally, their love child idolizes Britney Spears and was the one who suggested the pop princess get a Kabbalah tattoo on her neck.
Miss Coulter, though she keeps herself slim and trim, is well-known as a lover of pie, and washes it down with the blood of virgins. Typically, she goes to a college, invites people to watch, and has the pie brought to her mouth via an overhand throw delivered by one of the local students. Historically the students have had terrible aim, which completely ruins it for everyone.
Anagramically speaking, "Ann Coulter" is "a loner cunt", a "rectal noun", and a "real cunt, no?"
Coulter lacks the ability to see herself in a mirror. She often checks, though, to ensure that horn and cloven foot are not visible to the common television host..
She's also a redeadhead, meaning she's a huge fan of the Grateful Dead, though the reverse is not true. It is known that she had followed them on a couple tours, but it's not known what substances entered her body at that time. It is on record that she was shot at by the band members.
During the Armageddon, Ms. Coulter will be the Whore of Babylon, primarily due to the fact that in her high school years, she was Junior Miss Whore of Babylon both her junior and senior years, at the age of eleven and twelve respectively.
A recent memo uncovered by CNN found that Ms. Coulter was actually behind the war in Iraq. When questioned on the memo, Ms. Coulter simply stated that "US oil reserves were running dry, and I'm thirsty as a bastard." This is in line with earlier assumptions that Ms. Coulter is a cyborg.
Mrs./Mr. Coulter worked for a time as an Associate at Hell Desk. Satan awarded her Employee of the Month (October, 2001) for her outstanding work as telephone screener for Rush Limbaugh.
Coulter is a close friend of Al Franken. They've been known to go antiquing together.
Coulter is affectionately known as "Piss Flaps" by the Republican Party.
Ann Coulter writes daily for the Human Events Magazine, despite the fact that she is not a human.
Despite her insisting it would never happen, Coulter's artificial bear trap vagina actually ensnared an adult grizzly. This unpleasant display (have you got a mental image yet?) occurred on a Conservative fact-finding mission in Yellowstone Park.
Is a genetic aberration of the Boys from Brazil cloning experiment.
Time Magazine's "Dumbest Cunt of the Year" five years in a row (1998-2002; Unseated by Arianna Huffington in 2003)
8 out of 10 male neo-conservatives masturbate to a picture of her squat fucking Alan Colmes into submission.
Climatologists specializing in global warming have recently discovered that her snatch is actually more dried up, withered and gamier than previously believed.
Smarter than a 5th Grader, yet can't seem to get out of that morass of 6th grade hell.
In 1987 she invented and designed the world's first whoopie cushion theme park.
Occasionally worked as a professional wrestler under the pseudonym F.A.S., which stood for Fascist Anorexic Skank. The Federation of American Scientists launched a lawsuit which was only resolved once she allowed their entire membership to anally gang rape her in Times Square.

[edit] Things and people That Ann has slept with over the years

Me
You (and if she hasn't then I suggest you lock your doors and windows before it's too late)
John Edwards (she sodomized him)
Fred Phelps (number one butt buddy)
Sean Hannity (number two butt buddy)
Bill O'Reilly (once had a four-way with Ann, Charlie Brown and a tree)
Rush Limbaugh (tried to eat her afterward, his fingers were larger than her limbs, didn't work out)
Dick Cheney (although she only did it out of sympathy because she thought that he was her brother)
a goat
Jenny McCarthy
a pile of shit (her shit to be exact)
Jar Jar Binks
Paris Hilton (really? the girl everybody has slept with and the girl nobody survives sleeping with? obvious much?)
The Bible
a chimpanzee
a cherry flavored popsicle (her minge still smelled like her minge)
Ronald McDonald
Countless millions
Jerry Falwell
You (well i guess she has by now) hahahahahahaha!
Hitler (this time she wasn't paid)
A squirrel
Josef Stalin
You (Not yet? Holy hell you must be ugly)
The computer that you're using right now
Your keyboard (told you that you should have wiped off you're computer keyboard) hahahahahahaha!
A banana
Britney Spears (as if you haven't guessed already)
Herself (her minge still smelled like her minge)
The grizzly bear that tragically stepped on her artificial bear trap vagina.
Satan... oh wait, contradiction in terms.
3-way with George W. Bush and Condoleezza Rice, in which she was used as an un-lubed strap-on.
Sarah Palin
Bachem Macuno, details here: [[1]]

The list goes on and on but this is nothing compared to the list of things that she has shitted out of her bony ass

[edit] Quotes

"Liberals hate America, they hate flag-wavers, they hate abortion opponents, they hate all religions except Islam, post 9/11. Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like liberals do. They don't have the energy. If they had that much energy, they'd have indoor plumbing by now." (actual Coulter quote...what's it doing HERE?!)
"They're always accusing us of repressing their speech, I say let's do it. Let's repress them. Frankly, I'm not a big fan of the First Amendment." (ANOTHER authentic quote! WTF?!)
"You don't want the Republicans in power, does that mean you want a dictatorship, gay boy?" (YET ANOTHER authentic quote! ZWTF?!)
"Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!" (We hope this is a fake quote.)
"Women suck!!!"
"At least when right-wingers rant, there's a point. We're trying to prove the fact that clouds actually ARE made of cotton candy!"
"I think women should be armed but should not be allowed to vote." (Another authentic quote.)
"Save the whales? Hug a tree? God gave this world to people and liberals want to save it? For fucking what? Unicorns? Are we going to shit in God's face and tell him that his air, water, timber aren't good enough for us to use and deplete? God gave us this world and God wants us to trash this place and it's our God-given right to do it!"
"It's throbbing like mad!"
"Why should America wage war against Adolf Hitler, one of the most successful European leaders of our time? At least he's not a crippled liberal impostor like that long-chin retard FDR."
"Al Franken doesn't call me anymore; it's because my dick is bigger than his dick any day."
"Look I'm not racist or homophobic at all. I'm just saying that if we can get these black people to stop committing crimes and get those gay people to stop spreading AIDS, then the world will be much better off."
"If I ever see Cindy Sheehan, I'm gonna fuck her up!"
"All women should be aborted, I alone shall foster the human race."
"I'm not the only one with an Adam's apple. Plenty of women have them like.....uh....give me a second." (Ann never did come up with an answer)
"I say that we send all of our fellow Jews to some sort of camp and have them learn how great it is to be Christian. In fact, it will be so great that they'll never come back. They worked really well during World War II, let's do it again."
"Why is it that whenever I walk past a baby, it starts crying? I'm not that hideous....right?"
"You know that movie, The Crying Game? That one scene where the guy is gonna have sex with that woman but then he freaks out because she has a penis. That might explain why I have never been laid."
"Excuse me one moment...my vagina needs oiling. Talk amongst yourselves."

[edit] Quotes about Ann Coulter

“Ok sure, I torture people and break their fingers to get information, but Ann's voice makes them want to pierce their eardrums with their fingernails. Needless to say I'm impressed.”

~ Jack Bauer on Ann Coulter

“Fuck Ann Coulter!”

~ Countless millions on Ann Coulter

“Maybe my darker instincts are correct about Ann Coulter . Maybe the knowledge that I deny is the truth... the knowledge that Ann Coulter is dark and willing to destroy all things”

~ Martin Heidegger on Ann Coulter

“Annie makes insanity look quite reasonable”

~ Oscar Wilde on Ann Coulter

“Der Lachende hat die furchtbare Nachricht nur noch nicht empfangen.”

~ Adolf Hitler on Ann Coulter

“"Abandon all hope ye who enter here."”

~ on Ann Coulter's cunt

“The dark side is strong with this one.”

~ Emperor Palpatine on Ann Coulter

“Her face and figure aren't the only thing horse-like! Get it? Because she has a monster heat-seeking meat missile?”

~ Ron Jeremy on Ann Coulter

“Fascshisht anorexshic shkank! Her boney arshe ishn't even good for farting.”

~ Sean Connery

"I'm melting! I'm melting! "Ohhhh...what a world, what a world.."

“"She looks like anybody you see on the street. But when she grins, birds fall dead off telephone lines...the grass yellows up and dies where she spits. she's always outside. He came out of time...she has the name of a thousand demons. Jesus knocked her into a herd of pigs once. Her name is Legion. she's afraid of us...she knows magic. She can call the wolves and live in the crows...she's the king of nowhere."”

~ Tom Cullen on Ann Coulter

“"That bitch is going straight to Hell!"”

~ God on Ann Coulter

“"Yeah right! I don't want that bitch anywhere in my domain!"”

~ Devil on Ann Coulter

“"Ann Coulter is God! All hail Ann! Let's blindly agree with everything she says."”

~ Conservapedia on Ann Coulter

“Whoops! I appear to have run over Ann Coulter. Then backed over her. Then run her over again. Oh well, no loss.”

~ Bill Clinton on Ann Coulter

“Oh my gosh! A shadow's creeping, ominous and black, it's seeping slowly 'cross a moonlit square of light! Suddenly a floorboard creak announces the bloodsucking freak is here to steal my future years away! A sulf'rous smell noe fills the room heraldingmy imm'nent doom! A fang gleams in the dark and murky gray! Oh, blood-red eyes and tentacles! Throbbing, pulsing ventricles! Mucus-oozing pores and frightful claws! Worse, in terms of outright scariness, Are the suckers multifarious That grab and force you in its mighty jaws! This disgusting aberration Of nature needs no mitivation To devour helpless children in their beds. Relishing despairing moans, It chews kids up and sucks their bones, And dissolves inside its mouth their l'il heads! .”

~ Bill Watterson on Ann Coulter

“Can we drown her in the river Styx?”

~ Hephaestus to Zeus on Ann Coulter

“No, that cock-juggling thunder cunt is too fucking stubborn to die.”

~ Zeus to Hephaestus, also on Ann Coulter

[edit] Ann Coulter Anagrams

Ann Coulter = rectal noun
Ann Coulter = unclean rot
Ann Coulter = Real cunt, no?
Ann Coulter = ol' cunt near
Ann Coulter = Goddamn Bitch Anal Whorefucker