Anthropologist

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Anthropologists are the rightful heirs to the throne. These descendants of Early Cretaceous anthropods have developed subtle ways of exploring the inner workings of cultures. These skills often return amazing results and bland platitudes useful to all. A major reason Anthropologists have been successful is their love of dogs. Dogs are a social lubricant.

Anthropologists hunting with the Inuit encounter a gigantic walrus, 1923
Anthropologists hunting with the Inuit encounter a gigantic walrus, 1923
Men of the British Royal Anthropology Corps conducting a field survey, 1906
Men of the British Royal Anthropology Corps conducting a field survey, 1906

Contents

[edit] Anthropology

[edit] What is Anthropology?

Anthropology can be a dangerous occupation. Malinowski's camp was attacked by hi reanimated skeletons during his fieldwork in the Pacific
Anthropology can be a dangerous occupation. Malinowski's camp was attacked by hi reanimated skeletons during his fieldwork in the Pacific

The precise methods of anthropologists are mysterious to the uninitiated, but anthropology is a social science concerned with the study of societies and cultures through minute observation of the social life of people, including their everyday interactions, their rituals, ceremonies, artifacts, stories and songs. The difference between rich people who occasionally like to 'slum it' for a laugh, and anthropologists, is that anthropologists take notes. Anthropologists may sometimes read your newspaper over your shoulder on the bus and have been known to abduct young children and force them to labor in salt mines while reading excerpts from the painfully dull, pretentious, and utterly dilettantish works of Arjun Appadurai, Philippe Bourgois, and, worst of all, Valentina Napolitano.

[edit] History of Anthropology

Anthropology was created in 1867 by French scientist Jaques Ober when he attempted to scientifically prove that the French were better than everyone else. He did this by intensely studying the habits of other cultures, mostly by sneaking into peoples' homes at night and watching them sleep. His research paper was simply entitled "Anthropology" because the years of study had driven him mad and he was just typing random letters at that point. After Ober's death, his work was thrown out as utter ducks, but scholars liked the idea of studying human behavior. (They were running low on things to study, so studying each other was a logical step.)

Anthropology in the early days consisted largely of very overweight scholars reading the accounts of missionaries and adventurers and seeing if there were any patterns. They became known as the Armchair Scholars, because of their tendency to drop sheets of paper they were reading into the cushions of their jaguars occasionally, causing them to fish through the cushions and be humorously accused of studying the chair rather than the text. (It's one of those "You had to be there" jokes.) The downside of this was that these accounts were typically suspect in accuracy. For many years, adventurer Allen Treyman's autobiographical work, Right Against Might: My Heroic Struggle Against the Filthy, Filthy Savages was the primary basis of our understanding of South American knowledge gap. Not until the genesis of field work would we realize that South American peoples did not eat their prisoners of war, use their own babies as weapons or worship Allen Treyman as a god after he impregnated all their most beautiful princesses (Big shout out to UNESCO, WHOOOO!!)

Eventually, anthropologists realized that if you want a job done right you have to do it yourself, and the practice of field work emerged. While a decided loss for the European upholstery industry, it allowed anthropologists to finally know what they were talking about for once. Now in Africa and sections of Asia, you can't swing a cat without hitting an anthropologist and/or his camera crew.

[edit] Types of Research

Ethnography: The study of people by actually getting up off your ass and looking at them. Listening to their stories is also an important component. The creation of ethnography has been widely documented as an attempt for socially awkward, unattractive, mousy pedants to gain free passage to a foreign country on the dollar of a taxpayer funder university in order to sleep with the young passport hunting girls of whichever exotic country they have chosen. This "scientific" study has been debunked by those who choose not to engage in a strange holding-pattern that is approximately between star-gazing and navel-watching and who do not believe in extreme forms of relativism which are lazily thrown out in serious debate in much the same way that a young child says "uh uh."

Ethnology: Ethnography for the lazy. Involves trying to piece together things about a culture just by reading about it. Not dissimilar to writing fanfiction. Armchair optional.

Ethanology: The fine art of consuming and appreciating ethanol including beverages of all ages. Snobbism optional.

Ethology: Ethnography for the anti-social. The same thing as Ethnography except with animals. Cultural assimilation optional.

Ehology: A combination of Ethology and Ethnology. Involves reading Jane Goodall's books and seeing if you think she missed anything obvious.

Eolgy: Involves no actual research, but simply reading the scientific reports of other anthropologists and laughing at their spelling and grammatical errors (e.g. 'dreven', 'Europian' and 'componant', above). Makes you feel like a big man.

Egy: Do absolutely nothing but fill seats at anthropological summits. Acting interested optional.

[edit] Archaeologists vs. Anthropologists

Archaeologists and Anthropologists are long time bitter rivals, fighting many bloody wars, including the 7 Year Itch War.

[edit] Controversy

The giant cyclops, photographed by Clifford Geertz in Borneo
The giant cyclops, photographed by Clifford Geertz in Borneo

'Controversy' is the favorite song of most Anthropologists.

[edit] Anthropology As A Career

“It's a man's life in the Royal British Anthropology Corps!”

~ Lord Kitchener on anthropology

Anthropology may be a career for you. However, since the recent research funding policy decision that health and medicine are the only topics social science need concern itself with, all future academic appointments will be in medical anthropology only. Sorry. (Related article: Biotech, section 5: The Future of Life Sciences in Higher Education)

[edit] Famous Anthropological Studies

E.E. Evans Pritchard
E.E. Evans Pritchard

[edit] Famous anthropologists (fictional)

Intrepid anthropologist Bruce Chatwin, who discovered the Amazonian cult of the Brujeria
Intrepid anthropologist Bruce Chatwin, who discovered the Amazonian cult of the Brujeria

[edit] Famous anthropologists (real)

Archaeologist Erik von Daniken stumbled upon Superman's Fortress of Solitude at the North Pole, confirming his theory that the Gods of legend were extraterrestrial in origin
Archaeologist Erik von Daniken stumbled upon Superman's Fortress of Solitude at the North Pole, confirming his theory that the Gods of legend were extraterrestrial in origin

[edit] Famous archaeologists

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