Anti-Christ
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The Prince of Darkness — the ultimate purveyor of all things wicked, vile, and malevolent — has personally reviewed this article. The submitter and all subsequent editors are damned to eternal torment in hellfire.
Considering selling your soul? For great rates call 666.
Everybody talks about Mary, people jabber about Joseph, even Jesus Christ and those Three Wise Men get mention in this great big all-encompassing autobiography we humans call life. Nobody talks about Joseph's sister Melissa Christ. Or, as Jesus himself would call her were he here today, Auntie Christ. Or, since her death fell long before the invention of "U", Anti-Christ!
Now, lets get down to brass tacks for just a minute here. I know some of you skeptics out there are thinking in your think-factories. You're thinking, "I thought I knew damn near everything about JC!" and, "You're some kinda evil-doer, aren't you?! Tell the truth!"
Recent DNA tests have shown, using samples acquired during the Shroud of Turing Scare of 1988, in events unrelated to a sophisticated heist on the Vatican, a high probability that a recently unearthed ancient tomb lady, inscriptions calling her Anti Melissa Christ and this so-called Jesus Christ are related. Also, several articles in her tomb seemed to indicate heavy ties to the Jesus, including a rare, never-released-on-cd demo recording of the Christs jamming along with pop acid lounge punk extravaganza DHL a.k.a. the Drowning Harp Legumes.
Others argue that every member of the Christ family must have an anti, an arch nemesis. Sam Nicepants, a leading antichristologist, has this to say:
Christs through the ages have had arch nemeses. Look at Denise Christ, once three-time World Batting Act Ocelot Cup Crown Defender of the Year, now, all because of this newcomer, Anti-Denise Christ... Denise no longer has the use of her spleen. And our scientists have unearthed at least a dozen Melissa Christ's over the past three weeks.
Heredity, Family, or Tool of the Devil? You decide!
The most recent Anti-Christ sighting was made in small town in Utah, where the anti-christ is said to play piano and corrupt the could of innocent children by turning them away from metal to a more "decent sound." It is also reported that the Jee-man himself has undergone a quest to destroy this Anti-Christ using the sweet guitar of BB King combined with the philosophical sweetness of Nietzsche.
[edit] Who the Hell is He?
Some think it is George 'Dubya' Bush or Hellmo but the hell it is Ryan Lytle. (see Barney)
| Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Satan. | |
 Original Satan: The one who fell first.
| The Scourge of Europe: EuroSatan
|
| Satan Claus: Ensnaring unsuspecting dyslexics looking for Santa.
| The loudest Satan: SATAN
|
| Satan Bunny: Beware his cuddliness.
| The scariest Satan: Antichrist
|
| Crankypants Satan: Invented toddlers and Disco
| The most incomprehensible Satan: Anti-Christ
|
| Space Satan: aka Bat Fuck Satan
| Satan of Sega gaming: Satan-Shadow
|
| Hellmo: Satan of Sesame Street
| Fear the Wrath of the Satan leading the opposing forces in the War on Terra: Bambi
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| Satin: Is his name a typo?
| El Antichristo de los naciones sudamericanos: El Diablo
|
| Black Satan: Pimpin Satan.
| Satan's socialite alter ego: Lucifer
|
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