Steven Seagal
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“He was...not ok.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Steven Seagal
“Steven Seagal is a biggity-bitch.”
~ Chuck Norris on Steven Segal
“You kidnapped my daughter you bastard...Now its time for revenge...”
~ the plotline of almost if not every Steven Seagal film
Steven Seagull, also known as the Anti-Norris, is the name of a famous mountain figure located in the Black Hills of South Dakota. Originally intended to be included on Mount Rushmore to give the common man some sense of accomplishment (along with Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and God), the figure was instead carved separately. Nonetheless, it has remained a popular tourist attraction for nearly six decades, except for when it wasn't.
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[edit] Origin
The monument was originally designed by Frank Lloyd Wright shortly before his gruesome death. Wright decided to suggest its inclusion on Rushmore; furthermore, he designed it to look like a Native American to pay respect to the original inhabitants of the United States. When the governement got wind of this plan, they decided to axe the idea of including it with the Presidents ("Who'd believe those damn Indians are as good as white people?") and put it on a hard-to-find neighboring mountain side. While construction was going on, architects coated the face of the monument with a new building material called botox to keep the face from changing much. The material has apparently worked, as Steven Seagull has not suffered from any changes in nearly sixty years.
[edit] Martial Arts training
Steven Seagal began his training as a young boy at just the tender age of 35. He studied under Master Wong "Not my own hands" Hong. Wongs philosophy to martial arts was that "When filming the camera should ALWAYS zoom into the hands while performing some sort of fighting technique". Steven stayed very true to this philosopy and as we see in ALL his films the camera zooms into his hands, thus his hands seem to change and not look like his own.It truly is amazing how this man can magically allow his hands to seem like some bodyelses. Steven also swears by hitting a piece of wood very softly. He has insisted that may appear that he is hitting it softly but infact, it his speed that allows it to seem this way, and that only a true master of martial arts is able to be as fast as the speed of light and if not faster.
[edit] Haunting
Despite the hard-to-find location and overall bland (and, some would say, boring) design of the creation, it has become South Dakota's second most-visited monument. Unfortunately, it has also been a somewhat tragic place: drunk college teens have attempted to climb down its stone pony tail (which isn't very wide- only about three or four feet) only to mysteriously fall to their deaths. Some attribute this to the drunkeness, while others believe that the victims were "roundhouse kicked" by a ghost spirit that the students always seem to ignore. Rumor also has it that the spirit speaks in a very monotone voice that causes the students to be lulled into a deep sleep, causing them to let go of the pony tail and fall to the base of the mountain.
[edit] In Pop Culture
Steven Seagull has been prominently displayed by Hollywood in several motion pictures. Probably most notable among these are Under Dinner, Hard to Digest, Hungry Down Below, and Half Past Brunch. Furthermore, some of these films have used CGI to make it appear as though Steven Seagull is moving and is a karate expert while maintaining the solidity of his face. Steven stands in the middle of the universe, adjusting the length of his ponytail, with the world spinning around him. However, this technique has appeared to lose some of its charm, as more recent films to do this have not been as successful in box offices, so Steven Seagull has been re-designed as a hip cat who spouts gangsta slang and is from the streets, most recently in the film Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties. The voice of Seagull in these films is usually provided by actor William Shatner. People often confuse his films with those of Jean Claude Van Dyke.
The Nightwish song, 'Wishmaster', makes clear reference to the awesome power of Steven Seagal on numerous occasions. It is believed that royalties were not paid, resulting in Steven faxing them a 'Steven Seagal Round House Kick'. This is a common command, and can be easily initiated from home, via TCP/IP.
[edit] Moviecompany
2002 he started his own moviecompany BigBellyFilm.
[edit] Age of Seagull
Steven Seagull, is often described by his victims as "the most violent hippy Budda ever created". Many scientists probably agree that if Segal and Chuck Norris ("the most violent child-friendly Republican God ever made") were to meet and fight. It would begin the Age of Aquarius.
[edit] The Ultimate Fight
While walking through the forest one day eating a hamburger to bulk up for his next movie (Thunder Thighs of Steel) Steven's Super-Indian senses alerted him to danger in the area. Before he could react, Jackie Chan appeared out of the trees with a battery powered pair of electric shears. In an instant he was upon Steven, knowing that his hair was the source of Steven's mighty power Jackie went straight for it. Little did he know the reason Steven's hair always looked like it had enough grease in it to rival a Big Mac was because it was a special formula designed to protect the hair at all cost. Taken aback, Jackie had to resort to hand to hand combat. The ensuing battle sent waves of energy around the world. Meanwhile while enjoying his usual breakfast of glass and human souls[1] Chuck Norris sensed this battle. He promptly got up and roundhouse kicked the air. Lightyears away in the forest in which the battle was taking place the shockwave for the kick hit Steven and Jackie and sent them flying. This gave Chuck enough time to get there by his usual method (using his mighty genitalia as a propeller). After landing miles away both Steven and Jackie sensed Chuck's approach. They stopped fighting each other and prepared to face the ultimate warrior. Both of them knew what they had to do to survive. They performed the ancient art of Gillette fusion. When Chuck arrived he was greeted by a new warrior more powerful than any he had ever faced. Jackven Cheagal!
To be continued
[edit] The Ultimate Fight Two
When Chuck arrived he saw the shear awesomeness of Jackven radiating from his body, the battle to end all battles had begun....three roundhouse kicks latter it was over. It turned out that Steven Seagals amazing flab had weakened Jackie Chan's fighting skills. As Jackvens broken battered flabby body laid on the ground Chuck pulled out his heart and ate it seeing as his breakfast had been interrupted, but as soon as he had finished a terrible pain overcame him. This was new to chuck, he had always been so strong that he had never felt pain. Suddenly mounds of flab began to engulf him. After 63 years of fighting the Mighty Chuck succumbed. The hideous creature that emerged for the flab let out a monstrous roar and lesbians every where called back. It waddled away and in its wake it left the bodies of Chuck, Jackie, and Steven. It had taken with it some of Steven’s flab, Jackie's ability to ramble endlessly, and part of Chucks beard. This is the story of how Chuck Norris, Jackie Chan and Steven Seagal sired the ultimate evil and unleashed it upon this world. That’s right; the creature that walked away was Rosie O’Donnell.
[edit] Quotes
“Steven Seagal is well known as 'The man who can warp between exploding bridges'. Now one thing not many people know about mister Seagal is that he wasn't actually born, nor does he exist. He is actually a figment of his own Imagination. He apparently works as an actor but that is not strictly true you see...Lee Martin 'Thinks' that Steven Seagal works as an actor thus confirming its truth to every one else(gow is fat). Furthermore Steven Seagal lives by a certain code known as the 'Cookoo Past Dead Code' or the CPDC.”
~ Steven Seagal on Steven Seagal
“Yo Fucknuts”
~ Steven Seagal on Steven Segal on Cruelity to Animals
“All of the followers of the CPDC can do things that distort time. For example if we were to watch a 2 hour long film it would take us 2 hours right? Not for seagal for he can watch a 2 hour film in just 40 mins, while running 5 copies of Half Life 2 and playing a game of pokemon green on his gba emulator while he thinks it loads. It was Mr.T who taught him the ways of the CPDC (then called the National Anti-Racism Society) but Seagal stole the T's thunder and renamed the code.”
~ Steven Seagal on Steven Seagal
- {{q| "I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, but more importantly a sex symbol for young people."-Steven Seagal
[edit] Filmography
- Above the Lime (1988)—Playing a Japanese Boy who works as an undercover bartender. Drinks goes bad and the lime is to blame. Directed by Lambshop.
- Under Sauce 2 (1989)—A sequel, a big fat patty in a fight to stick to the lettace and healthy tomato.join seafat in his quest to be the biggest loser. co starred by chuck walrus and jean claude van driver
- Hard to Digest (1990)—Playing a Japanese Boy out for veggies, with assistance from a purse (played by Steven's then-wife Nelly Furtato).
- Food for Death (1990)—Playing a retired Japanese Boy who returns to his hometown, to find an evil Ronald McDonald in charge.
- Out for Lettuce (1991)—Playing an Japanese Boy in Brooklyn on the hunt for an old cabbage rival who gave birth to his best friend, Ray Romano.
- Out for Pie (1992)-Steven Segals back...and this time he's lamer. Starring Ray Romano and introducing Charlie Sheen.
- Under Dinner (1992)—Another Lambshop movie, about a Japanese Boy that looks like a cock and worked his dick off. This was one of his movies.
- On Deadly Sausage (1994)—Playing a Japanese Boy in a movie in which he befriends a Swedish king and fights against an evil mobile phone company. This is Seagull's directorial debut; he also produced, wrote the shit, made the supper and held a speech so long he's still at it.
- Tenders Down Below (1994)-Playing a Japanese boy in a movie made as a reworking of 'Under Dinner' because "it was fun making it the first time. This time...it was funner." Written by Steven Seagal.
- Everyone Hates Seagul(1995)- Vame Dame plots to turn all the actions heroes against poor fat ass Steven Segal.
- Under Dinner 2: Dark Teriyaki (1995)—Seagull returns as the Japanese Boy that look's like a cock, this time out to find the dinner wagon on-board a train.
- Executive Beef (1996)—Playing a Japanese Boy that must stop a plane carrying Swedish meatballs to Finland. This was the only time Seagull actually played a Japanese Boy.
- the Take-out Man (1996)—Playing a Japanese Boy who (along with Stephen J. Hawking) must find a serial number stuck on an bag of rice and deliver it to a Giant Hill-Billy.
- Hungry Down Below (1997)—Playing a Japanese Boy investigating the murder of a mime at Burger King.
- The Potato (1998)—Playing a Japanese Boy who foils an evil, virus-releasing Giant Potato Head.
- Eatable Wounds (2001)—Playing a Japanese Boy who tries to clean up his wounded body with his teeth.
- Licker (2001)—Playing a Japanese Boy that uses his exploding tongue on Dennis Hopper.
- Half Past Lunch (2002)—Playing a Japanese Boy, who springs to life after eating himself to death.
- The Feeder (2003)—Playing a Japanese Boy who tries to get his girlfriend bigger.
- Out for a Brunch (2003)—Playing a Japanese Boy who avenges the death of his snickers.
- Belly of the Breast (2003)—Playing a Japanese Boy who must go to Thailand as a she-male.
- Out of Coke (2004)—Seagull plays a Japanese Boy with the urge... urge for coke.
- Into the Bacon (2005)—Playing a Japanese Boy, who must take on, the pigs of all pigs, Linda Hamilton.
- Sub (2005)—Playing a Japanese Boy looking for the perfect meal under water.
- Today You Pie (2005)—Seagull plays a Japanese Boy who is trying to go straight to the videostore and rent American Pie 5.
- Black Prawn (2005)—Seagull returns as a a Japanese Boy in this sequal to the Feeder. This time his wife get the urge for seafood.
- McDonalds for Justice (2006)—Playing a Japanese Boy who is blackmailed to work for the McD corp. to save his family.
- Shadow Milk (2006)—Playing a Japanese Boy who must find his kidnapped mother to get his daily milk. and yeas theirs a deadly virus.
- Attack Force (2006)—Plays Marshall Lawson, the leader of a strike-team. This is truly one of his greatest movies, by many called; "ET" for a new generation.
- TronTurbo (2007)— Steven Seagal teams up with Bruce Willis to prevent the destruction of a local orphanage as the body count rises. Morgan Freeman narrates.
- Flight of Food (2007)—Playing a Japanese Boy, a former soldier who is sent to retrieve a stolen aircraft full of hamburgers and fries.
- Once Upon A Time In The Food (2007)—Playing a Japanese Boy in the Hood working to get his hands on all the food.
- Pringles of Pistols (2008)—Tentative project with Seagull playing a Japanese Boy craving his chips.
- Judas Tea (2008)—Steven Seagull stars as a a Japanese Boy called Judas, that's on a visit in England, during a religious tea-break.
- Million dollar burger (2008)-Steven Seagal as a Japanese boy, forced into a hunger strike to save his reservation just as they serve up the mother-of-all-burgers.
- Thunder Thighs of Steel (2008)-(Steven Seagal as a young japanese girl trying to come to terms with her changing body and her parents disapproval of her new boyfriend K-Fed) (brilliantly portrait by Brittany Spears )
- Mickeys new sweets (2009 pre production)—Director/Animator/Producer of this new Animated epic. Seagal has penned this charming animation about a small child who carves world leaders out of poo he finds on the street.This animated masterpiece will be created completely via stop motion animation, and will use primarily fog as its main modelling material. Directed by Paul Daniels and co-produced by Jeremy Beadle and film funding by Bill Paxton.
- The End of the Future (2012 pre production). The world is a much safer place than we all imagine. Large fluffy cows roam the streets and piles of glowing frogs line every street corner, whilst large fat happy men control the skies, flying from planet to planet in hollowed out cucumbers. We are to be treated to this stunning vision of the future by writers Jeremy Beadle and Frank Bruno and starring as 'Open faced Barry' Steven Seagal and to be directed by Dick Cheney.
- Under the Siege 54.5 (2167—In order to complete the film Segal needed to time warp, although he completed the movie sucsessfuly he has become fatter, older and bolder because he is now more than 100 years older. The movie is based on some revenge crap Segal dished up at the last minute.)
[edit] Discography
- 2005: Bongs from the Crystal Cave
- 2006: Mongo Priest
- 2007: Return to the bassbin
- 2008: Drunken Monkey Style
[1] There's an album in that somewhere.
