Anti Raisin Club

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“Two raisins fell from the sky. In nearby Tajikitstan, a baby cried.”

~ Unknown Chinese Soothsayer on Raisins

“Raisins? Raisins! I hate those friggin' raisins!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Raisins

A vote for raisins is a vote for terrorism.

[edit] The Problem with Raisins

Raisins have plagued man-kind since some idiot decided, "Y'now, I don't want to make a alcoholic beverage out of these grapes. I think I'll let them shrivel up in the sun, just like I did with my children!"

That stupid, stupid man decided that day to make the absolute most worstest thing ever. RAISIN-THE-DEADS as they were first called, killed all the people in Hiroshima the exact second before it was "destroyed" by the atomic bomb.

BRAD LOVES RAISINS SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

[edit] The Lawsuit

A few people found out what really destroyed Hiroshima, one of which was the omniscient God. God was one of those people who spoiled their children, and he thought that his son should have the copyright of RAISIN-THE-DEADS. God called in a lawyer (this was hard, as there aren't many lawyers in Heaven) and sued the inventor of raisins. Most of the jury disagreed with God, but God smote all of them. The jury was therefore unanimous, and RAISIN-THE-DEADS became "raisins". Since the stupid, stupid man did this, more than 3 people have died a raisin-related death.

[edit] Note

The ancients must have been dropped on their heads as babies and fed bottles of stupid juice, because RAISIN-THE-DEADS actually killed people. Experts think this error was caused by the abuse of alcohol and fruit juice.

[edit] Why Should You Hate Raisins?

• Raisins are dangerous, and can harm innocent people
• Small children can choke and die on raisins.
• Shooting yourself in the head with a raisin is painful.
• Raisins have a strong resemblance to Deer poop.
• Raisins have a stronger resemblance to Rat poop.
• Falling over on them would hurt your behind!!!
• Stepping on a raisin can unbalance your stride and make you fall, and probably die a painful death.
• Raisins are the root of all evil
• You were traumatized by the California Raisins as a child
• Raisins are the same color as Barney the Dinosaur
• the California Raisins ripped off Marvin Gaye

[edit] Raisins Timeline

Hitler, the leader of the Raisins, in all his glory.

• 18145 B.C. Raisins created in Indonesia
• 10000 B.C. Raisin guerilla force attacks ancient Babylon
• 9567 B.C. The Raisin Republic of China is formed
• 1234 B.C. Raisin national leader, Hitler, gives orders to the Raisin Youths to destroy all things unraisin-like
• 666 B.C. Raisin scientist, Gregor Mendel, figures out that several types of bananas are closely related to raisins
• 0 A.C. Hitler is overthrown and Clinton is elected. He immediately sets out to destroy all lawyers, and the ever important Chuck Norris
• -5 A.C. The Nobles create the first free range raisin farm.
• 42 A.C. Clinton was killed during the Frenchraisin Revolution
• 645 A.C. Dogs discover a way to turn raisins into toilet paper
• 646 A.C. Half of all dogs are killed by, as the Raisins call it, purple mini UFO's coming out of "stolen" Raisin aircraft
• 1654 A.C. Thousands of people die during the second Frenchraisin Revolution.
• 1980 A.C. The claymation California Raisins become briefly popular, causing a generation of children to have singing/talking/dancing raisin related nightmares and develop lifelong raisin phobias
• 2000 A.C. Raisins are discovered to be the CPU (Central Processing Unit) of Macintosh.
• 2007 A.C. Macintosh's are still using the raisins as their CPUs, Apple is worried about the unstable system this creates.

*2008 - BRAD ATE A BOX OF RAISIN BRAN!