Antichrist
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Satan the AntiChrist is he that has been prophesied in the Bible. His coming to Earth in the form of a mortal human is the catalyst which will begin the High End Times, or Apocalypso, an obsolete form of Caribbean music. It is noteworthy that some forms of Christianity await the Apocalypso with a blend of joyfulness and trepidation. The "Last Dance", so to speak, will bring down God's hearty revenge upon the on apostate Christians and non-Christians alike. Those making it to the end of the Holy Dance Contest will win a seat at the right hand of the Lord.
Beliefs about the Antichrist have varied throughout history, although the miracle of modern science has brought new and fresh insights to this often mythical character. For example, it is now widely accepted that simple contact is the instrument by which the Apocalypse will occur -- When Christ rises again and is touched by the Antichrist, both are destroyed and their mass converted directly into energy. Because Christ is the embodiment of God, such an event would have the potential to unleash limitless amounts of energy at the cost of the destruction of all reality. As such, the Christ-Antichrist drive will be the primary power source for all Starfleet ships.
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[edit] It's True, George W. Bush is the Antichrist
“I JOHN 2:18 Little children, it is the last hour; and as you have heard that the Antichrist [Greek ho antichristos] is coming, even now many antichrists [Greek, antichristoi] have come, by which we know that it is the last hour. 19 They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would have continued with us; but they went out that they might be made manifest, that none of them were of us.”
~ the Bible on Satan the Antichrist and biblical nonsense
The first occurrence in the Bible of the term "Antichrist" is in I John 2:18, which explains that a whole bunch of Antichrists already have existed. It can be deduced that thay travel in packs, probably hunting and foraging at night, when the cover of darkness will shield their evil doings.
As for Verse 19, any sentence which used the word Us five times without actually conveying who the "Us" is, is certainly an indication that the writer was insane at the time of writing, had atrocious grammar, could not process ideas, probably drooled while thinking, wrote run-on sentences that seemed to go on and on with no real resolution at all, unless you count delusory thinking, in which case it might just make sense to us. Some reasonably sane Bible scholars prefer to think of John as a loony. Or he'd taken Magic mushrooms. Jehovah's Witnesses call him, "Frank and Ernest", apparently a holy pun of some sort.
[edit] Something About A Liar
“I JOHN 2:20 But you have an anointing from the Holy One, and you know all things. 21 I have not written to you because you do not know the truth, but because you know it, and that no lie is of the truth. 22 Who is the Liar [Greek ho pseustes] but the one who denies that Jesus is the Christ? This is the Antichrist [Greek ho antichristos], the one who denies the Father and the Son.”
~ the Bible on more confusing biblical rhetoric
Verse 20 tells us about some person who's covered in oil and omniscient. Today you can get arrested for that. John continues to confuse us with doubletalk in verse 21, about the "truth" and who exactly knows it. Finally, all of this stuff about denying Jesus is the Christ: of course He's the Christ, it's His last damned name.
We can see from this passage that the Antichrist will do something specific: he will deny that Yeshua is the Messiah. Later on in his letter, John lists a second identifying characteristic of the Antichrist:
[edit] Heavy Drinkers Needed
“I JOHN 4:2 By this you know the Spirit of God: Every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is of God, 3 and every spirit that does not confess that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is not of God. And this is the spirit of the Antichrist [Greek, tou antichristou], which you have heard was coming, and is now already in the world.)”
~ the Bible on getting blind drunk.
Now we get to the heart of the matter: spirits. Hebrew scholars tell us that there were many varieties of wine and distilled liquor, as well as Sugar of Lead, available to the average free Roman citizen of the day. Christians, being miserable by preference, frequently went on long binges followed by delerium tremens and hallucinations. It's likely that that this condition is hereditary.
Carl Sagan has determined, by utilizing a vast array of arcane mathematical formulas and gematria, that John was a raving sot when he wrote verses 2 and 3 above. Therefore, the best way to prepare for the coming Antichrist is to stay drunk as long and often as possible.
[edit] Lawsuit
In 2007, the Antichrist sued the world for defimation of character. He was obviously fed up over the fact that people the world over seem to refer to one another as the antichrist whenever they engage in stupid little spats with your local neighborhood plain old bitch. The decision to file a lawsuit came after the antichrist heard a young Winnipeg man refer to another as being the antichrist, which resulted in the response "Hey, Hey... I'm right here" and a long moment of laughter, ending when the antichrist ran away crying and said he would tell on them.
[edit] Conclusions
You may want to test your Satan before declaring him the Antichrist. Rapping on them like a fishwife testing cantelopes is not recommended. If you in fact find you have false Satan planted by George Bush, you might want to spontaneously combust.
You can find Satan or Jesus through the spirit but you probably need to take stronger spirits than Communion wine. And this is not altogether recommended as you could wake up in a Police cell. And then you could be charged with being drunk and disorderly in the United Kingdom or with public drunkenness in the United States.
Like all Satans, Satan the Antichrist is a gateway demon to marijuana use. In his book, Satan The Antichrist For Dummies, Dr. William Shatner advises followers NOT to pay taxes on their marijuana purchases, lest they be caught by the Jesus Police and ruin Apocalypso for everybody.
“John tells his readers that those who confessed that Yeshua the Messiah had come in the flesh did so by the Spirit of God, while those that did not confess that Yeshua the Messiah had come in the flesh were not of God but had another "spirit" influencingboner them. Here John gives us a another test for identifying the Antichrist and those who are aligned with him spiritually.
Therefore, we have two identifying characteristics given by John for identifying the Antichrist and those lesser "antichrists" like him:
(1) Denial of Yeshua as the Messiah, and (2) Denial that Yeshua came in the flesh.
To be scripturally identified as "antichrist," a person or organization must meet BOTH criteria.”
~ http://users.aristotle.net/~bhuie/Antichrist.htm on WHO OR WHAT IS THE ANTICHRIST?
If you can't tell a true Satan from this, you probably couldn't find your arse with two hands and a flashlight.
[edit] Suspects
Before he was found to be George W. Bush, the SOAP, or Society of Apocalyptic Priests, has been looking for the AntiChist for some time. The acronymn should not be confused with that of Snakes on a Plane the movie.
Candidates:
Martin Luther King
Soap
Rayford Steele
Chloe Steele
Buck "Steele" Williams
Steele Steele
Steele!!!
Tom Araya
Anton LaVey
Hillary Clinton
Luke Heit
Dan Rather
RFID chip
Michael Jackson
Wayne Roonie
George Clooney
Christian Chavez
God
Dan Brown
Willis McGahee
Paris Hilton
Harry Potter
Jorge Campos
Larry The Cable Guy
Ricardo Antonio LaVolpe
Eric Cartman
Vicente Fox Quesada
Tom Hanks
Tsirhcitna eht ma I
Nicolae Carpathia
Todd Bertuzzi
Oprah Winfrey
Erika Nagai aka Saori Fujimoto
David DeAngelo
Spongebob
Matt Stone
Pinky & Brain
Keiji Hughes
Saddam Hussein (Ressurected after 3 days after hanging, suspicious)
Ray Nagin
Eri Matsui aka Shinobu Ayukawa
Isaiah Thomas
Chiharu Miyama
Tom Cruise
Trey Parker
Bambi
David Icke
Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda
Ryan Lytle
Barak Obama
Dirty Arabs
Smelly Jews
Black-ass Niggers
Adam Wrobel
Kirk Boswell
Dane Cook
Dogs
Men
A big evil toenail under someone's bed
Charlie Sheen
Adam Sandler (adam Sandnigger)
Adam Heilers
The Rock
Abraham Lincoln
Davy Jones
Cinderella
Kevin Costner
Ali
Christopher Walken
Danny Glover
Arnold Schwartzanigger
Batman
Jim Ross
Jim Ross's Ass
Frankie Munez
Fuck You
Daddy
Hank Hill
Fred
Cupid
Sand Niggers
Aladdin
Superbad
Tight Pants
Satan
Santa Claus
Tessie
Dr. Pepper
Buttsex
Tom Petty
Milk
Vin Diesel
Raven
Maven
What?
Prince Habeeboo
Neil Peart (Evil Genius)
Albert Pujols
Steven King
Daisuke Matsuzaka
Cats
Buce Willis
Thierry Henry
Zenedine Zidane
Rapist
Patrick Star
AT&T
Vitamin Water
Me
Waldo Delafuente
[edit] See Also
- Al Gore
- Bill Gaytes
- The USA
- Michael Jackson
- David DeAngelo
- That Guy
- Anti-Baker
- WHO OR WHAT IS THE ANTICHRIST?
v d Genealogy of You Know Who (also known as the Jedi family) Obi-Wan Kenobi | Woody Allen=Jenna Jameson | --------------------------------------------------- | | | Christ=Antichrist Village idiot=Lulu Oscar Wilde=Buffy the Vampire Slayer | | | ------------------------------- Howard Stern Yoko Ono=Godzilla | | | Clark Kent=Princess Diana Minnie Mouse=Fyodor Dostoevsky 早安+大家好 |-Adolph Hitler | | |-Uncle Sam Pakistan Your Friend's Mom=You Know Who |-Wonder Woman | To be continued...
| Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Satan. | |
 Original Satan: The one who fell first.
| The Scourge of Europe: EuroSatan
|
| Satan Claus: Ensnaring unsuspecting dyslexics looking for Santa.
| The loudest Satan: SATAN
|
| Satan Bunny: Beware his cuddliness.
| The scariest Satan: Antichrist
|
| Crankypants Satan: Invented toddlers and Disco
| The most incomprehensible Satan: Anti-Christ
|
| Space Satan: aka Bat Fuck Satan
| Satan of Sega gaming: Satan-Shadow
|
| Hellmo: Satan of Sesame Street
| Fear the Wrath of the Satan leading the opposing forces in the War on Terra: Bambi
|
| Satin: Is his name a typo?
| El Antichristo de los naciones sudamericanos: El Diablo
|
| Black Satan: Pimpin Satan.
| Satan's socialite alter ego: Lucifer
|
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