Antimatter
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“Let's turn the Vatican City into a pile of noodles!”
~ Dan Brown on antimatter
Antimatter is stuff made out of antiparticles. It's a lot like regular matter, with the important difference that if it touches any regular matter they both spontanously turn explode not with normal annihilation but with anti - annihilation. There's a whole universe of difference there, innit blud. The explanation for this is simple to anyone with any understanding of physics. The universe is made up of "strings" which were, at the dawn of time, quarkies or something like that. Antimatter cancels out the matter-ness of things and returns everything in the area of the reaction back to it's pure, unaltered state of Pasta. This is often confused with antipasta, which has a similarly violent reaction when brought into contact with pure noodles of any kind.
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[edit] The creation of Antimatter
There are many theories which attempt to explain the existence of antimatter. One theory is that God took a giant pot, threw a few pig guts and electrodes inside, and out popped two distinct objects: matter and antimatter. This is known as the "Big Bang in a Pot" theory.
The evolutionist theory is that matter eventually turned against itself, and then evolved into a state which could no longer exist in this or any known dimension. This theory is very similar to the paradoxical time theory which states that any child who continues to watch Pokémon for more than three hours will break down and dissolve into the space-time continuum, and probably resurface in a random Star Trek episode featuring William Shatner.
It is also believed that because of the reaction caused by matter-antimatter interaction that antimatter was created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster in an attempt to purify the universe and revert it back to its original noodles.
[edit] What's the Matter With Antimatter?
Antimatter, by definition, is the direct, indirect, exact, and vague opposite of matter. Since matter is everything physical in the world, and antimatter is the oposite, then it stands to reason (by Aristotle's principles of incomprehensive logic) that antimatter is the opposite of every physical object in the world. By the way, if matter ever comes into contact with antimatter, they will both react in such a way which will threaten to destroy the entire universe. Try not to mix the two in a bowl.
[edit] Does Antimatter Exist?
Yes. It exists in the eyes of every child and in the hearts of every lover. After being extracted from children's eyes and lover's hearts, it is stored in thousand gallon drums buried underneath the leaning tower of Pisa. The locals use antimatter stored in these drums to create pasta, which is exported to support their growing need for kitten huffing.
[edit] Why should I care?
The obvious answer would be that you should care because if you see something laying around and want to pick it up, you would presumably prefer to know if it is going to reduce you to pure pasta in a quick, albeit soggy reaction. As it turns out, however, this rarely happens because:
- Nobody leaves antimatter laying around.
- If they did, it would reduce itself and the thing it was laying on to pasta before you had a chance to even notice it.
Instead, people usually care for one of three (3) reasons:
[edit] 1) Antimatter as a Weapon
This sounds like a great idea at first. When matter touches antimatter it makes a whole lot of pasta. The problem, of course, is that antimatter is very expensive and difficult to make, and even when you do... well, delivery can be an issue. Remember that you can't allow it to touch anything made of anything.
This has led to a new form of antimatter warfare, namely "Tricking the Other Guy Into Working on antimatter Warfare". The idea is that while they ruin their economy trying to produce reasonable amounts of antimatter, you spend twenty dollars working on a way to knock out the power to their laboratory. Once they lose power, the antimatter will touch something, and economic ruin will be pushed a little lower down on their list of things to worry about, somewhere below "Instant death due to Pastafication" and "Holy crap, plague of mice". On the downside, the survivors will have plenty to eat.
[edit] 2) Antimatter as a Fuel
Antimatter would make an excellent fuel source, except for three (3) tiny problems:
- As mentioned above, it's very expensive and difficult to make. If you think gasoline is expensive, you probably don't want to know what this would cost you.
- Whatever container you try to put it in would be the first thing turned to pasta, along with most of your car. This may affect mileage.
- How efficient is pasta as a fuel source, anyway?
Answers to those three (3) problems:
- Every problem can be solved by building a bigger particle accelerator.
- Use tiny amounts at a time.
- Pasta can be broken down by bacteria to make simple hydrocarbons.
The most efficient type of antimatter reactor is a Wayans-Baldwin reactor, which uses live humans made of matter and antimatter. Because they have lots of bacteria in their gastrointestinal tracts, the pasta they generate is almost immediately converted to natural gas.
[edit] 3) Antimatter as a Plot Device
This is where antimatter really comes into its own. While it sucks ass in the real world, as an easy plot device in science fiction stories it is unbeatable. A weapon, a fuel, a magic portal to another dimension... whatever. Knock yourself out, nobody will question it.
