Anton Volchenkov
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“OH FUCK! HE'S ON THE ICE!”
~ Every other player in the NHL
“His pressence will cause you to have a failure of self.”
~ Every other player in the NHL
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| Anton Smiling, the one time | |
| Position: | Defence |
| Team: | Ottawa Senators |
| Height: | 6'1" |
| Weight: | 226 |
| Shoots: | You (Left) |
| Shots Blocked: | Infinity (1918-2007) |
Anton Alyeksyeyeveech Volchenkov, also known as the A-Train or "Russian Bear", is the greatest, most manly example of human excellence in the history of ever. Born on planet kick-ass, he came to Russia to run those damn capitalist snakes out of Moscow. He later picked up the game of hockey, and turned pro immediately.
He currently plays defense for the Ottawa Senators of the NHL, and is rockin' #24. He is also the best player alive. Wayne Gretzky was quoted saying, regarding Volchenkov being labeled the greatest player of all time, "Yep, I agree".
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[edit] Early Life
Born not from this world, he came by boat to free Russia of Capitalist snakes. He succeeded flawlessly (snakes got nothin on him) and decided to be one of those guys from 300, which he later found out he was too bad-ass for, so he quit to take his twenty four pack elsewhere. After bitterly rejecting the Spartans, he picked up hockey to get chicks. At first Anton played goaltender, but realized shortly that he preferred stopping pucks without padding. He became a professional defenseman 40 minutes later. At the draft, the Ottawa Senators, looking for a player with balls, drafted Volchenkov, and the rest is history. As a child, he beat his mother and father, which was hard on him emotionally. He then turned four and developed into the emotionless beast he is today.
[edit] Game Play
Anton is primarily known to block shots and have the capability to snap a player's sternum in two with a body check. Volchenkov purposely doesn't score because he accidentally murdered a goalie with a slapshot once. During the 2006-2007 playoffs, he effectively curtailed the play of Art-Ross Trophy winner Sidney Crosby. Despite Anton's attempts to be gentle, Crosby's foot shattered out of sheer fear when he was informed of who the Penguins would be facing in the first round. Volchenkov is now patiently waiting to win the Stanley Cup with the Senators before he reveals his true identity as God. He does not take shit from anyone. Ever.
[edit] Other Facts
It is speculated that World Wars III and IV will occur when Volchenkov and Chuck Norris fight. Volchenkov has smiled once, and it was an accident. As part of a foreign pay-per-view event, Volchenkov fought a great white shark, but lost narrowly. Just kidding, he ruined the shark's shit. However, Anton does not like jokes, because jokes create happiness, and happiness is for the weak. He does not speak English, English speaks Anton, poorly.
[edit] Body
His body composition, as provided by Dr. Phil, is 74.88% tank, 27.29% awesome, and 13.91% kick-ass, which coincidently is more than 100%, but he's too much about business for numbers. His 24 wives grate cheese on his abs and usually add it to their meals, though sometimes they throw it out because they are not worthy to eat anything that has touched him.
[edit] Future
Karl Marx, head of the Russian Hockey Federation, has named Volchenkov team Russia's captain for the 2010 Olympics, but since this world alone cannot contain his powers, he may simply be named captain of team Universe. He considered having a child to continue his legacy of awesomeness but then remembered he is immortal.
