Apas

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“O jours si pleins d'appas!”

~ Leonard Cohen on Apas

Apas are oblong-shaped biscuits that are topped with sugar. Apas biscuits are a part of Filipino cuisine. They are recognisable primarily by their lurid yellow colour, which is caused by flavouring with saffron, a highly toxic and deadly chemical.

[edit] History of Apas

Interestingly, the word "Apas" is in fact an abbreviation of the biscuit's original name - "Apas Pas Apas Simm" - which in the Filipino dialect of the place of its conception means literally - "Eat before Eating Snack."

Traditionally, Apas were made with a mild hallucinogen from the region. This is becoming less and less usual however, due both to the decreasing availability of the plants used, and to the biscuits' popularity with tourists. The effect of the hallucinogen is reportedly to make one's hands shake uncontrollably, to the extent that it becomes a challenge to pick things up or to write legibly.

[edit] The SinJon

One traditional Filipino cuisine that is strongly linked to Apas is the "SinJon", served as an hors d'oeuvre. Considered to be a fairly specialised dish, the SinJon is regarded as a food supplement for intelligent professionals with side partings -- most notably teachers, historians, David Bowie, and renowned scholars. Sinjon is noted for it's particularly fine flavour when eaten with the traditional filipino flavouring "Lorronce".

SinJon is also notable in the fact that it was simultaneously invented in India around the time it was invented in the Filipines, though this version was traditionally eaten without Lorronce, as Lorronce could get in the way.

The Best Sinjon is to be found in the British market town of St. Albans, where immigrants have started selling them outside the St. Albans civic offices.

Both Apas and Sinjon biscuits should be eaten after having been dunked in traditional Indian or Filipino coffee, although in the West Kenco coffee is a satisfactory replacement. The cumulative effect of these interesting flavours is "sort of" known as "The Saddington" -- a gustatory rush similar to having one's tastebuds flooded with a mix of chalk dust, gunpowder, and lye.

[edit] The Sloan

One has often heard those experiencing this sensation to murmur the words "Sloan". The Sloan is the perfect remedy for those who have attained the "Saddington". A fine biscuit in itself, it is a rare Irish delicacy that can only be found in one small bakery in Dublin where it was first conceived during the famous Potato Famine. The recipe has since been improved by the University of Glasgow, where many students pursue PhDs in the history and construction of this eclectic dish. The Sloan however still has many side effects which cannot be overcome. It makes the user engage in frenzies most normally associated with Liverpool Football Club and Mazda vehicles coloured Ferrari red.