Apathy Man

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“Apathy Man. Apathy Man. Does whatever an Apathy Man does.”

~ Homer Simpson on Apathy Man

“I'd tell you what I think about this guy, but to tell you the truth I just don't give a damn.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Apathy Man

Apathy Man (real name Ivan Winchestertonfieldingsonmeyer Rebecca Rum Yung Yun Sun Sun Thompson. (The Third. (And a Half.))) is the 147th superhero to join the the legendary League of Superheroes. Though his time in the League lasted only a month, he is well known for his ability to take not giving a damn to a level not giving a damn has never been taken before.

[edit] Origin

Ivan was formerly an accountant at Whatever Co., a company famous for...something. Hell, I don't know. Anyway, he was walking down the street one day when a radioactive walrus escaped from the zoo nearby (don't ask why a zoo is keeping a radioactive walrus. It'll probably cause you nothing but trouble.) Anyway, the walrus rampaged down the street and eventually decided to bite Ivan...down there. As one can imagine, it hurt like hell, but since walruses are well known for not giving a damn (I think. I dunno, I'm just making up shit at this point) he somehow gained super apathy powers.

[edit] Apathy Man's Early Life

After gaining super apathy powers, Ivan expectedly lost all ambition in life, loafing around the house like some fat...uh...fatass. Although he still went to work, he didn't really do anything. Still, he was considered a better employee then Charlie, a fellow accountant who suffered severe brain damage earlier that year and spent most of his day trying to eat his own desk.

Little did he realize that his life would take...well, some kind of turn. For meanwhile, the League of Superheroes fought their final, climactic battle against the evil Destructionator. Though they managed to defeat him once and for all, they also lost practically all of their good superheroes in the process. In fact, after the battle, their best surviving superhero was some idiot whose superpower was doing that stupid trick where it looks like you're removing your own thumb.

Desperate to fill their ranks, the League looked all over for superhero candidates. Unfortunately, their desperation was so great, that they recruited many sub-par superheroes, including Torso Man, who possessed the power of having no arms or legs, and Explosion Man, who had the ability to blow himself up (he could only do it once, though, and after demonstrating his power the League soon had to search for yet another replacement.)

Eventually, the League, while engaging in a drinking contest, caught wind of a man who had gained super apathy powers. In their drunken stupor, they decided that he would make a perfect addition to the league, and so sent a representative to recruit him. When Ivan was asked to join the League, he simply responded "Whatever" and went back inside to take a dump. The representative took this as a yes, and Apathy Man was soon made an official member of the League, and was given a spandex leotard with his official logo on it, which he started using as pajamas. Eventually, he got this really bad ketchup stain on it, and when he tried to wash it out, it wound up shrinking, so he just threw it out.

[edit] Apathy Man's Career as a Superhero

Over the next month, Apathy Man was involved in many of the League's acts of heroism (and I use the word involved VERY liberally.) Only a week after his induction, the League was forced to stop Dr. Death from completing his Killer Death Ray of Killitudedeathiness. After many grueling hours, they were finally able to defeat Dr. Death on his not-so-secret island base (because, contrary to popular belief, it's not so secret if you put up a big-ass sign that says "This is NOT Dr. Death's secret island base. Please Ignore.) Well...not so much "defeat him" as "Dr. Death accidentally shot himself with the Death Ray cause he had built it backwards." Anyway, Apathy Man, however, spent the whole day at home watching a Family Guy marathon, and when the League got back and accosted him for not being involved in the operation, he countered that he WAS involved somewhat, as they had borrowed his car to drive to the island (again, don't ask how they were able to drive all the way to a secret island base.)

Apathy Man was also "involved" in a number of the League's other famous exploits:

-The Transient Transvestite attempted to rob a local bank. The league lept into action and took off in Apathy Man's car again. After crashing the car into a ditch and running for three weeks, they soon realized that they were going the wrong direction when they reached the Canadian border. Apathy Man, meanwhile, walked to the grocery store to pick up dinner, then accidentally locked himself out of his house.

-An asteroid was headed towards Los Angeles. The League once again leapt into action, once again driving off in Apathy Man's newly repaired car, though this time Torso Man insisted on driving (don't...just don't ask.) Unfortunately, the League was based on the other side of the country, and there was no way they could make it to Los Angeles in time in an AMC Gremlin. The asteroid mostly burned up in the atmosphere, nearly hitting Jack Thompson (who was then killed five minutes later, ironically getting crushed by a falling Mortal Kombat arcade machine.) Apathy Man, in the other hand, ate some bad Mexican food and spent the entire day in the bathroom.

-The League tried to pull the flaming bag of dog crap trick on Lawyeron, the 500-ft robot lawyer. This time, they decided to drag Apathy Man with them, making him drive. However, as the League rung the doorbell at Lawyeron's house, Apathy Man drove off and got himself some Krispy Kremes, while the rest of the League got their asses handed to them by Lawyeron, as well as receiving multiple, ultimately pointless lawsuits that would insure that the League would spend most of the next three weeks in court.

Though Apathy Man didn't do very much, he eventually found himself with a self-proclaimed archnemesis, the Procrastinator, who had gained super procrastination powers by falling into a barrel of radioactive waste (though most people agree this is the worst superpower gained from radioactive waste of all time, they often forget about the late Captain Cancer.) When interviewed by a local reporter desperate for a story, the Procrastinator explained that he lived right next door to Apathy Man, which was extremely convienient. He also vowed to one day kill Apathy Man when he got around to it eventually.

[edit] The Fall of Apathy Man

Though the League knew how useless Apathy Man was, they still kept him around so they could use him as a scapegoat for their many failures. "It was either that or blame Torso Man," explained Remove-His-Own-Thumb Man "And we couldn't do that, because he might sue us for discrimation. Seriously, that guy's one lawsuit-happy son of a bitch. He once sued 7-11 because their convenience stores weren't quadrapeligic-accessible."

Eventually, the League decided that they should just kick out Apathy Man and replace him with a superhero that was actually competent, and make the rest of them look good. And so, 31 days after his induction, Apathy Man was officially removed from the League at their headquarters (aka Tourette's Kid's basement.) Apathy Man had this to say as his final words as a super hero.

"Er...yeah, can we speed this up? House is on in fifteen minutes."

After Apathy Man's removal from the League, the famous Awesome Man was recruited to replace him. Unfortunately, he turned out to be a pompous asshole, who cared more about his various marketing deals then doing any actually heroics. Eventually, he kicked out the other members of the League, replacing them with angsty teens to attract the younger demographic, leading to a hit TV show and a popular toy line (including the Emo Lad action figure with wrist-slitting powers.) The group were eventually eaten when fighting against Gruezilla.

[edit] Where is Apathy Man Now?

Let's see...what time is it? Well, House is on right now, so he's probably sitting on his couch watching that. He might be eating a bowl of popcorn, that is if he felt like getting up and making some. Then again, he might also be watching some Mexican soap opera cause he lost the remote and just didn't feel like looking for it. He'd change the channel manually, but it's AAAAAALL the way over across the room.

...oh wait, I'm supposed to say nobody cares, right? Because this article is generally about apathy, and you have to include a link to nobody cares in an apathy related article because that's SOOOO clever.