Apocalypse

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You may be looking for Sephiroth and not even know it!

“In Soviet Russia, world ends YOU!”

~ Russian Reversal on the Apocalypse

“I AM THE APOCALYPSE, YOU ARE NOT FIT TO SURVIVE!”

~ The Apocalypse on X-men street fighter vs X-Men

“... Minor lacerations detected. User death imminent! ...”

~ Gordan Freeman on Apocalypse

“It is written, Weegee will bring the apocalypse.”

~ Gwonam's prophecy of a doomsday brought by Weegee, the demonic counterpart of Luigi from the game "Mario is Missing!".

This article documents a current event. Information may change rapidly as the event progresses.

Contents 1 The Group 2 Scheduled Events 3 Azman and the apocalypse 4 Dimmu 5 Prediction of the Apocalypse 6 Headline text 7 Hollywood and Apocalyptica 8 Food 9 How To Prevent the Apocalypse... MUY IMPORTANTE!!! 10 Who's responsible for stopping it 11 See Also

[edit] The Group

The members of the Apocalypse are known as Death - Michael Portillo War - George Bush's second cousin Freddie. Famine - Elvis Presley's dog, Scruff. Pestilence - Mr. T's half brother Lawrence.

'The Apocalypse Boiz', as they were known, were an early boy-band. After a live show they were politely boo'd off due to War (lead vocalist) tripping over his mic lead in the middle of a solo. This caused an enormous argument in the group (during which Atlantis was accidentally destroyed by War's broken amplifier) but eventually led to peace, and a compromise: Pesilence would be the frontman for a few millenia, and Famine would shut the fuck up and do what he was told.

[edit] Scheduled Events

This year's Apocalypse will be running on a more rigid schedule, as last year there wasn't enough time to complete all the allotted activities. Consumption of nachos and salsa took up much time and little was left for plague and turmoil. This year's time table is as follows:

• George W. Bush announces Nucular War.\
• On our imaginations
• George W. Bush colours his war plans using crayola wax crayons.
• President of Wal-Mart plans assassination attempt on George W. Bush in an attempt to take over the world and create his own apocalypse.
• Gas and petroleum runs out and there can be no more fire attacks on earth.
• Rammstein throws one last raging metal party to satisfy sweaty, dirty, angry, and specifically apocalyptic metal-heads.

• Uncyclopedia will stop being completely unfunny. (Ha Ha, Yea right!)
• The Y2K bug will strike and wipe out all computers.
• Lynbrook High School will actually become a good school. I doubt it though.
• The Microsoft text editor Microsoft Word will use its own autocorrect feature to change every instance of the word "the" to, "your mom's," Your mom's resulting chaos which ensues will cause your mom's entire world to become irritated with your mom's contributors to Uncyclopedia. This will result with your mom's resurrection of your mom's pets.com super bowl commercials--your mom's aforementioned contributors will have used this as your mom's best diversion ever devised by a widely dispersed group of people with little or no sense of humour.
• Michael McDonald complains of hearing "What A Fool Believes" play endlessly and repeadtedly in his head. Devoid of hope, he impales himself on Skunk Baxter's Fender Guitar Neck. Last Words: "Yahweh Mo B There."
• Aliens (possibly FNORDians asking to borrow a cup of cracked corn) will invade, bringing with them the recently captured Bea Arthur of the Golden Girls, and she will come into power. Then, she and Sean Connery will make babies, 144,000 of them, right after Bea Arthur receives a sex change to become a woman. Together, they will rule Earth.
• Europe declares "The Final Countdown"; annonces they're headed for Venus... Venus...
• We will fulfill the prophecies in Matthew 24, Mark 13, Luke 21
• Watch the establishment of the new world order
• We will... we will... rock you.
• George Bush's IQ will Skyrocket to negative infinity.
• the letter A on every keyboard will disintegrate
• Julius Caesar will declare "All your base are belong to us!"
• We will play Spin the Bottle
• Duke Nukem Forever will be released.
• You are surprised and killed by a manticore! It quickly shreds your flesh and devours you!!!
• we'll have a refreshing diet soda
• We will fight world war
• We'll playfully hurl Satan and his Angels to walk the earth.
• Sephiroth will stab your face off free of charge, if he hasn't already--that is, so long as Sephiroth is not eaten by a grue before the free stabbing workshop commences. He will be at the table with the purple tablecloth and rainbow pinwheels. You can't miss it!
• There will be a BBQ
• Twister...during the nuclear cold winter!
• Broly will reach the level of SSJ level 5 after an orgy with your mother, your sister and your aunt
• Jesus will do his 1000-year reign thing (He said something about giving us all a chance to learn to become righteous --might be cool.)
• Steven hawking will acheive a bckflip in his private space sector
• We may then head down to Mount Olives and destroy (your mom's) wicked (if it's open that late).
• It will start raining fish. (Yes, Good Omens was correct)
• You will have to face the gazebo, alone.
• There will be continuous playback of all of Michael Bolton's recordings.
• Martin Sheen will repeatedly hack at you until dead as you recite ominous poetry.
• The Great Dance-Off between Jews, Muslims and Christians will begin. Many millions of people will perish.
• Skynet will adopt the voice of microsoft sam
• Captain Jack Sparrow will finally run out of rum.
• The Detroit Lions will win a game.
• Mr. C and Jimi Hendrix will fight an almighty guitar battle, which will cause the space-time continuum to collapse, and the Earth to crumble.
• Chuck Norris will fight himself and win.
• Michael Jackson will self-duplicate and create an army made of plastics.
• People everywhere will kiss their ass goodbye.
• The LOWTDEBS shall be created, and the Ninja Vs Pirate debate can finally get settled. The Apocalypse will be a side effect of the ensuing awesomeness.
• A dog will appear in your fireplace at 10:00 at night with the name of: "Sirius Black".
• Futurama will come back from being cancelled and start a new season.
• System of a down will have sex with each other.
• Mensa's will cease to exist and will have became replaced with a bunch of stupid Paris Hilton clones. (The opposite of smart and sophisticated.)
• Your mom jokes will be replaced with: Your vagina jokes.
• Cthulhu will rise and all will be leveled as the mighty Great Old Ones awaken! We will all be eaten! There is no hope! HA HA HA HA HA! Iä! Iä! CTHULHU FTAGHN! IN HIS HOURE AT R'LYEGH DEAD CTHULHU WAITS DREAMING!!!
• Chuck Norris VS. Trogdor THE BURNiNATOR!!!
• Brenda Shaw is on time to Chem Lecture
• The Cadbury Truck will fail to turn up while a year 11 chemistry class is in session.
• Representatives from Microsoft, Apple and ClayPigeonSite will come and sue everyone and everything in sight.
• Churchy will stop being awesome!!!!!
• Mr McDonough will play the ultimate gut-busting, face-melting guitar solo on a tungsten-plated, platinum-inlayed, titanium guitar with strings made from pure time-space energy and amplified by the large Hadron Collider!
• Steve Irwin will be resurected, killing Osama in the process
• After the downfall of computers, mechanical pencils will rise.
• 4chan won't contain any porn.
• World Of Warcraft will finally turn christian.
• Black metal will be sung by little girls.
• RedTube will serve as Hello Kitty advertising.
• Obama will be president.
• Youtube poop will make sense.
• Gaia>WOW.
• Wii>360.
• Chad Warden will speak literal english.
• Smoking weed will pinch back.
• ISO downloadin will finally be stopped.
• Advice Dog will be a meme.
• Pedobear will be legal.
• Volkswagon Golfs and Cardboard Boxes will team up and kill 95% of the population and a Swingball will become President in the process.
• Paris Hilton will be named President of Mensa

.And the donuts will destroy us all! destroy us all!destroy us all!destroy us all!destroy us all!destroy us all!destroy us all!destroy us all!(repeat until dead)

[edit] Azman and the apocalypse

It was predicted by the aztecs that a kick ass korean robot man named azman will cause the apocalypse in 2012. Azman is fuelled by cheese and is said to have a diamond the size of chuck norris' first sticking out his chest, he will also solve the globa warming crisis by choosing to burn jews rather than fossil fuels in power stations. Anyway back to the world ending crap, Azman is supposed to first get rid of australia using his mile high robot death machine this will NOT effect the world at all because australia was infact a mistake....and santa clause isnt real. after destroying australia, azman will move on to destroy small rural villages in england the little island north of frane next to wales. after that azman will fire a fuck ass huge lazer from his moonbase at the nintendo headquarters. As a result of this sony will enslave the world. oh crap.

[edit] Dimmu

“MY DESCENT IS THE STORY OF EVERYMAN
I AM HATRED DARKNESS AND DESPAIR
MY DESCENT IS THE STORY OF EVERYMAN
I AM HATRED DARKNESS AND DESPAIR!!
”

~ Dimmu Borgir on Pornocalypse

[edit] Prediction of the Apocalypse

Most scholars whole-heartedly agree with Stephen Hawkings' prediction of the apocalypse, which depicted a world run by kangaroos. His explanation for this seemingly inane theory is as follows on September 69, 2069: As the world's natural resources quickly deplete, humanity will begin searching for alternative energy sources. Since everyone knows that squirrels burn clean and are highly efficient as industry's tools, they will be the chosen replacement of fossil fuels. Billions of squirrels will be placed in massive furnaces to fuel the populus. Accordingly, Jesus (who apparently favors squirrels over Jews) will be outraged at the squirrel holocaust, and grant squirrels the supersquirrel (not superhuman) abilities necessary to overthrow their human masters. Mankind will be crushed by their sheer brutality and agility. Since Aristotle believed that squirrels are allergic to Australia, so will we. What remains of humanity will flee to the giant geographic accident known as Australia (or Bob Sagat 9284 in the future) to coexist peacefully with the kangaroos, the most intelligent known lifeforms to exist on the continent. Initially, everything will function smoothly as vast humangaroo cities are constructed for the two species. This Golden Age of Good Things That People Like will last for almost two months, until the re-animated corpse of Lord Steven Irwin comes forth and casts the Kangaroo King, Django, into a lake of fire and pudding. He enjoyed the pudding part, but the fire, not so much. The kangaroos and cross-bred humangaroos, enraged at the treason of humanity, will unite and obliterate every last human, except two, who are flown off separately... one to Alderaan, and the other to Tatooine. This is where Star Wars Episode IV picks up.

[edit] Headline text

Most scholars think you are STUPID, but I don't care....

But, anyway.Who would believe a guy called Stephen HAWKING???Don't hawks hunt?KILL?Yaaaa, that's what I thought.Believe me, Dolores the rat.The ahpawkolips....Apocolypse will be caused by the magick blue flames of Trogdor the BURNiNATOR and Chuck Norris deflected it staight towards the core of the earth.Wanna know what happens next? See the move "The Core"...I'm talking to YOU, exterminators!!!!>:P

[edit] Hollywood and Apocalyptica

Too late, Jesus, Mel Gibson bought the rights to the apocalypse!(that movie is crap btw)

[edit] Food

We will include food depending on the event:

• What ever the new world order gives us
• We will look for whatever is left after WW when the worlds supply is depleted
• We will eat each other
• Moldy spinach u got no life
• Mcdonalds chicken mcnuggets
• Food will no longer be around as it was stolen by some greedy fat kid
• Your Penis
• YOUR FACE

So, basically we're all screwed.

[edit] How To Prevent the Apocalypse... MUY IMPORTANTE!!!

In order to prevent the slowly encroaching demise of humanity, we must all find favor with God, or his sons, whatshisname, Chuck Norris and Bono. We must all battle cancer and give to the needy children. We must stop all wars with one another, and live peacefully, just as the bible, the koran, and Bob Barker have shown us. We should also stone our children to death if they do not observe the Black Sabbath, just as the bible has shown us. We also need to eat babies and old people... cause they suck Please visit N.W.A. while you wait, or just do what you normally do and wank off. We must make many many babies while we are at it.

Interestingly, one can also avoid apocalypse by NOT clicking this link: :( or this link: :O!!!

Trivia: Terrence McKenna, the novelist, philosopher, very heavy drug user/dealer and speculator of human evolution and its relationship to psilocybin mushrooms, believed the world would end in 2012 (in accordance with the Mayan Calender.) This note will be revised in 2013 after it has been revealed McKenna's theory was incorrect (unless the world has ended.)

[edit] Who's responsible for stopping it

You, <insert name here>. This is entirley up to you. If you don't kill everyone on the above list, the apocalypse will happen. It will be entirely your fault.

Then again, we could use some kick-ass robot/Charizard hybrid to kill them

[edit] See Also

• Armageddon
• Rapture
• Super Bowl
• Ragnarok
• The Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse
• 14 signs of Apocalypse
• Weegee