Apocalypse
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The Prince of Darkness — the ultimate purveyor of all things wicked, vile, and malevolent — has personally reviewed this article. The submitter and all subsequent editors are damned to eternal torment in hellfire.
Considering selling your soul? For great rates call 666.
- You may be looking for Sephiroth and not even know it!
“In Soviet Russia, world ends YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on the Apocalypse
| This article documents a current event. Information may change rapidly as the event progresses. |
The Apocalypse is an event that has been foretold by many religious groups and seers for ages, and is scheduled to occur this Friday at my house. We are going to start off with Barney doing your mom and then move slowly to big tit pictures of yours truly Burry stripping with wild veracity. Nostradamus foresaw the Apocalypse in a vision, and said he was totally stoked about it and that he'd definitely be there. Don't forget that keg of beer man!
Contents |
[edit] The Group
The members of the Apocalypse are known as Death - Michael Portillo War - George Bush's second cousin Freddie. Famine - Elvis Presley's dog, Scruff. Pestilence - Mr. T's half brother Lawrence.
'The Apocalypse Boiz', as they were known, were an early boy-band. After a live show they were politely boo'd off due to War (lead vocalist) tripping over his mic lead in the middle of a solo. This caused an enormous argument in the group (during which Atlantis was accidentally destroyed by War's broken amplifier) but eventually led to peace, and a compromise: Pesilence would be the frontman for a few millenia, and Famine would shut the fuck up and do what he was told.
[edit] Scheduled Events
This year's Apocalypse will be running on a more rigid schedule, as last year there wasn't enough time to complete all the allotted activities. Consumption of nachos and salsa took up much time and little was left for plague and turmoil. This year's time table is as follows:
- George W. Bush announces Nucular War.\
- George W. Bush colours his war plans using crayola wax crayons.
- President of Wal-Mart plans assassination attempt on George W. Bush in an attempt to take over the world and create his own apocalypse.
- Gas and petroleum runs out and there can be no more fire attacks on earth.
- Rammstein throws one last raging metal party to satisfy sweaty, dirty, angry, and specifically apocalyptic metal-heads.
- Uncyclopedia will stop being completely unfunny. (Ha Ha, Yea right!)
- The Y2K bug will strike and wipe out all computers.
- Lynbrook High School will actually become a good school. I doubt it though.
- The Microsoft text editor Microsoft Word will use its own autocorrect feature to change every instance of the word "the" to, "your mom's," Your mom's resulting chaos which ensues will cause your mom's entire world to become irritated with your mom's contributors to Uncyclopedia. This will result with your mom's resurrection of your mom's pets.com super bowl commercials--your mom's aforementioned contributors will have used this as your mom's best diversion ever devised by a widely dispersed group of people with little or no sense of humour.
- Michael McDonald complains of hearing "What A Fool Believes" play endlessly and repeadtedly in his head. Devoid of hope, he impales himself on Skunk Baxter's Fender Guitar Neck. Last Words: "Yahweh Mo B There."
- Aliens (possibly FNORDians asking to borrow a cup of cracked corn) will invade, bringing with them the recently captured Bea Arthur of the Golden Girls, and she will come into power. Then, she and Sean Connery will make babies, 144,000 of them, right after Bea Arthur receives a sex change to become a woman. Together, they will rule Earth.
- Europe declares "The Final Countdown"; annonces they're headed for Venus... Venus...
- We will fulfill the prophecies in Matthew 24, Mark 13, Luke 21
- Watch the establishment of the new world order
- We will... we will... rock you.
- George Bush's IQ will Skyrocket to negative infinity.
- Julius Caesar will declare "All your base are belong to us!"
- We will play Spin the Bottle
- Duke Nukem Forever will be released.
- You are surprised and killed by a manticore! It quickly shreds your flesh and devours you!!!
- we'll have a refreshing diet soda
- We will fight world war
- We'll playfully hurl Satan and his Angels to walk the earth.
- Sephiroth will stab your face off free of charge, if he hasn't already--that is, so long as Sephiroth is not eaten by a grue before the free stabbing workshop commences. He will be at the table with the purple tablecloth and rainbow pinwheels. You can't miss it!
- There will be a BBQ
- Twister...during the nuclear cold winter!
- Broly will reach the level of SSJ level 5 after an orgy with your mother, your sister and your aunt
- Jesus will do his 1000-year reign thing (He said something about giving us all a chance to learn to become righteous --might be cool.)
- We may then head down to Mount Olives and destroy (your mom's) wicked (if it's open that late).
- It will start raining fish. (Yes, Good Omens was correct)
- You will have to face the gazebo, alone.
- There will be continuous playback of all of Michael Bolton's recordings.
- Martin Sheen will repeatedly hack at you until dead as you recite ominous poetry.
- The Great Dance-Off between Jews, Muslims and Christians will begin. Many millions of people will perish.
- Captain Jack Sparrow will finally run out of rum.
- The Buffalo Bills will finally win something
- Mr. C and Jimi Hendrix will fight an almighty guitar battle, which will cause the space-time continuum to collapse, and the Earth to crumble.
- Chuck Norris will fight himself and win.
- Michael Jackson will self-duplicate and create an army made of plastics.
- People everywhere will kiss their ass goodbye.
- The List of Weapons That doesn't exist But Should shall be created, and the Ninja Vs Pirate debate can finally get settled. The Apocalypse will be a side effect of the ensuing awesomeness.
- A dog will appear in your fireplace at 10:00 at night with the name of: "Sirius Black".
- Futurama will come back from being cancelled and start a new season.
- System of a down will have sex with each other.
- Mensa's will cease to exist and will have became replaced with a bunch of stupid Paris Hilton clones. (The opposite of smart and sophisticated.)
- Your mom jokes will be replaced with: Your vagina jokes.
- Cthulhu will rise and all will be leveled as the mighty Great Old Ones awaken! We will all be eaten! There is no hope! HA HA HA HA HA! Iä! Iä! CTHULHU FTAGHN! IN HIS HOURE AT R'LYEGH DEAD CTHULHU WAITS DREAMING!!!
- Chuck Norris VS. Trogdor THE BURNiNATOR!!!
[edit] Prediction of the Apocalypse
Most scholars whole-heartedly agree with Stephen Hawkings' prediction of the apocalypse, which depicted a world run by kangaroos. His explanation for this seemingly inane theory is as follows on September 69, 2069: As the world's natural resources quickly deplete, humanity will begin searching for alternative energy sources. Since everyone knows that squirrels burn clean and are highly efficient as industry's tools, they will be the chosen replacement of fossil fuels. Billions of squirrels will be placed in massive furnaces to fuel the populus. Accordingly, Jesus (who apparently favors squirrels over Jews) will be outraged at the squirrel holocaust, and grant squirrels the supersquirrel (not superhuman) abilities necessary to overthrow their human masters. Mankind will be crushed by their sheer brutality and agility. Since Aristotle believed that squirrels are allergic to Australia, so will we. What remains of humanity will flee to the giant geographic accident known as Australia (or Bob Sagat 9284 in the future) to coexist peacefully with the kangaroos, the most intelligent known lifeforms to exist on the continent. Initially, everything will function smoothly as vast humangaroo cities are constructed for the two species. This Golden Age of Good Things That People Like will last for almost two months, until the re-animated corpse of Lord Steven Irwin comes forth and casts the Kangaroo King, Django, into a lake of fire and pudding. He enjoyed the pudding part, but the fire, not so much. The kangaroos and cross-bred humangaroos, enraged at the treason of humanity, will unite and obliterate every last human, except two, who are flown off separately... one to Alderaan, and the other to Tatooine. This is where Star Wars Episode IV picks up.
Most scholars think you are STUPID, but I don't care....
But, anyway.Who would believe a guy called Stephen HAWKING???Don't hawks hunt?KILL?Yaaaa, that's what I thought.Believe me, Dolores the rat.The ahpawkolips....Apocolypse will be caused by the magick blue flames of Trogdor the BURNiNATOR and Chuck Norris deflected it staight towards the core of the earth.Wanna know what happens next? See the move "The Core"...I'm talking to YOU, exterminators!!!!>:P
[edit] Hollywood and Apocalyptica
Too late, Jesus, Mel Gibson bought the rights to the apocalypse!(that movie is crap btw)
[edit] Food
We will include food depending on the event:
- What ever the new world order gives us
- We will look for whatever is left after WW when the worlds supply is depleted
- We will eat each other
- Moldy spinach
Extremely obese humansMcdonalds
[edit] How To Prevent the Apocalypse... MUY IMPORTANTE!!!
In order to prevent the slowly encroaching demise of humanity, we must all find favor with God, or his sons, whatshisname and Chuck Norris. We must all battle cancer and give to the needy children. We must stop all wars with one another, and live peacefully, just as the bible, the koran, and Bob Barker have shown us. We should also stone our children to death if they do not observe the Black Sabbath, just as the bible has shown us. We also need to eat babies and old people... cause they suck Please visit N.W.A. while you wait, or just do what you normally do and wank off. We must make many many babies while we are at it.
 | This article is likely to be eaten by a grue. I suggest you run like hell or use extreme sarcasm before it eats you too. |
Interestingly, one can also avoid apocalypse by NOT clicking this link: :( or this link: :O!!!
[edit] Who's Invited
- Mankind
- (except for you)
- Jesus died
- GWAR
- The Antichrist
- Steve Ballmer
- The Whore of Babylon
- The Beast
- Chuck Darwin
- Elvis
- The Big Man
- You
- Me
- Chuck Norris
- Weegee
- Trogdor the BURNiNATOR!
- The Physical Manifestation of Evil
- Everyone Else?... Or is it
- Your mom (Tu Madre, Ni de mama)
- The Rider of the Apocalypse who left before they became famous.
- Mr. C and Jimi Hendrix - very important, as they will be the ones who finally finish the deed.
- Chuck Norris again
- Well, wait... what about Chuck Norris another time? :D
Trivia: Terrence McKenna, the novelist, philosopher, very heavy drug user/dealer and speculator of human evolution and its relationship to psilocybin mushrooms, believed the world would end in 2012 (in accordance with the Mayan Calender.) This note will be revised in 2013 after it has been revealed McKenna's theory was incorrect (unless the world has ended.)
