Apple Inc.
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| Apple Incorporated | |
| |
| Slogan | Think Different, and guess who took a bite off the logo |
| Established | London, UK (Feb 31 1968, as Apple Corps) |
| Type | Public Company |
| Founder | The Beatles, Steve Jobs (unaided by any human), Bill Gates |
| Location | Cupertino, California |
| Industry | Computing & Dream Manufacturing |
| Employees | 17,787 full-time; 2,399 temporary |
| Products | Computers, Software, MP3 Players, Toilets, Phones & Related, Weapons of mass destruction. |
| Revenue | Absolutely fu*k all. |
| Parent | Steve Jobs |
| Website | Apple.com |
Apple Incorporated is a KBZL company company based in Cupertino, California, United States. Created by The Beatles, Steven P Jobs, who is known for single handedly inventing fish, air, Bill Gates,and most likely catsup. His opinion on ketchup is unknown at this time.
Contents |
[edit] History
Founded by The Beatles in 1968, Apple for some inexplicable reason did nothing as a company except lose all The Beatles' money to Yoko Ono. Finally in 1976, the company was bought for "an imaginary 5 shillings" by Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak and moved to Cupertino, California. Their mission was to someday invent a portable music player and song-purchasing store on computers where you could buy any music ever made except for Beatles music. (Before you start reading this article, keep in mind that the original apple computer was designed to be edible) The gospel of Jobs states that the company successfully marketed the first personal computer, making their founders millionaires overnight. They soon became friends with a company called Microsoft, Microsoft wrote crappy software for Apple's Computers. In 1984 Apple unveiled the Macintosh, Microsoft was so impressed they asked Apple to licence the OS to other manufacturers, Apple's CEO (not Jobs), in his arrogance, refused, he then proceeded to fire Jobs for no reason. Microsoft copied Apple's OS and marketed it as Windows. Turned out that it was a good idea, Apple were screwed. Apple's computers were too expensive next to computers made by other companies, no matter how much better they were, and without Jobs, they couldn't get any better.
It took Jobs coming back in a ray of bright light in 1997 to bring the company back to life. Over the next few years Jobs tormented his nemesis at Microsoft, Bill Gates, by surrounding him with symbols of his betrayal, Apple iPods, so called "music players" that when driven into Seattle begin to emit a high pitch scream which is unmistakably that of Jobs. Meanwhile Jobs has single handedly recoded the entire Macintosh Operating System, and redesigned all their computer line up to at least 10 years more advanced technology than you would find in any other computer. What's worse, is that now every Mac has a huge Apple logo on the back, so it's easy to see when somebody owns one. Especially if they work for a competitor.
Recently it has become apparent that in order to emphasise how Jobs feels the Windows betrayal personally, he has used 'i' at the start of every product name. This includes such iWords as the iMac, iPod, iCry, iHate,iTrytolive, iRan, iRaq and the iRack. Recently however, Apple have neglected the i for the word 'Mac' as a precursor to their product names, McDonalds has as you would expect filed a McSuit against Apple.
Later, they developed a set of iCircuit boards that emulated the organic version without the iSpoilage factor. This popular iModel was called the iApple. Unfortunately, in doing so, Apple had inadvertently recreated the same iApple that that got those naked iPeople kicked out of iParadise for eating, and accordingly the iApple was cursed by iGod and Apple's sales plummeted. Upon realizing their mistake, Apple computers redesigned the iApple, so that its curse will only get the user kicked out of iLAN parties. Shortly thereafter, Microsoft sized original plans for the iApple and used it to create Windows.
Windows was actually stolen when a young Steve Jobs broke into Microsoft, released Nerve gas to kill everyone, and stole a windows computer that he then reverse engineered. Reportedly he held his breath so the gas wouldn't kill him, but some say he just imagined the whole thing. Both are equally likely.
[edit] Popularized the personal computer
iApple started the Graphic Avatar Wars, with the first ever version of iCastle Wolfenstein, which was like the iArcade game iBerzerk, only with iGerman speech. So far in the iWars, more game-based iCharacters have been slaughtered than the entire human population several times over. Unfortunately for the fools at Apple, it took them years to realize that their crap wasn't compatible with anything. Considering they control less than 6% of the computer market, it was a bad move on their part to even think about existing.
The new iPod Flea that everyone is talking about is actually a masturbation tool used by girls, and boys some how, which they stuff the iPod flea in their iHoles and iPenises and listen to music while feeling good and thinking about sex while doing that, but the earphone cords are too short so they just use it for music.
Apple Technology has created the best commercial yet, it is called the Adult iPod, it will urge you to buy it and make you want to masturbate to the beat.
[edit] Evolution
The company later developed an iGUI and advanced iProcessor for its next generation of iComputers, the iMacintosh. To keep it from too becoming popular, they hindered it with low memory space, a mini screen, and an tendency for the power supplies to iAsplode.
This limiting factor in keeping iComputers from becoming truly functional was observed by Bill Gates who expanded on the iConcept with Microsoft Windows. iCompetitors such as the Commodore 64 were more successful in implementing this iConcept and managed to fully cease their retailing of iComputers. The Coleco Adam still holds the record for the most successful disabling of iUtility and prevented sales into the millions by having virtually every iModel ever made recalled. The Apple iComputer evolved from apes.
[edit] Mac iNtel
The following statement, just the next sentence to be exact, is subject to much, but actually very little, controversy as in nothing more than an opinion spouted off as fact.
Apple may convert to Intel which will make their machines almost as bad as Wintel machines.
With the new chips, Apple may face a civil war as IBM 'loyalists' face off against the 'Progressive' Intelites. Few can comprehend the social costs of such a war, as it would divide one of the few technological armies which stand against the dominant Microsoft Empire. To make matters worse, there are rumors of the new OS Roman Numeral 10 'Tabby' being run on standard PCs, creating fears of an army of mutant MacWindows with no loyalties to their mother Apple and being a brat to their abusive father Microsoft. Also, beware of the fabled Apple gamer. They may claim that Apple computers have superior games and technology to play those games, but do not believe them, becuase they are brainwashed by Apple and will take a iBullet for Steve Jobs, this is why they have absolutley no common sense at all, and are mindless zombies. Usually, if any games come out (which many believe never happens), then it is usually filled with subliminal messages that reshape the Mac owner's mind to constantly talk about how the "cool" aqua boxes magically slide on and off the screen when they hit f11, and shrink with a so-called "genie" effect (ha, should have wished for vista!). Also, if such games do come out, they usually come out 10 or 12 years after they are made available to normal OS's, such as Windows, Linux, or Triangles.
Once you slap that "Intel inside!" label over your blue Apple icon, you are then allowed to fill up your hard drive with as much Microsoft Premiere "software" as you can get your nabby little hands on, in exactly the same manner you dumped all your household medical waste into your neighborhood stream that stormy night! Apple even prepackages a disk to patch their "software" that purportedly fixes all bugs that have laid dormant since 1987, including the archaic wmiprvse bug where apparently bill gates misspelled "Microsoft" as "Nicrosoft" in the wmiprvse.exe application (which caused the OS to react strangely to Mac and Linux users, slowing the machine down to a crawl and causing random inconsistencies that never end until the user breaks their forehand against the glass screen, which was common on most monitors of the time). Unfortunately, due to Microsoft's Theft Protection policy (also known as the "I stole your feature, ha ha! *pie face*" policy) you have to reboot your mac and hold down both apple keys along with the z and all ten numerical keys simultaneously while clicking on the mouse button repeatedly in the rhythm of "baa baa black sheep" in order to select Windows as your boot system. Simply repeat this process whenever you get too frustrated with one OS and the computer will explode seamlessly! The alternative is to use emulation software such as... well just about any one that starts with Win... or Lose. That way you can reap the benefit of not being able to use either OS's software and enjoy the hypnotic animation of that pretty colorful spinny thingy that you can move around the screw with your mouse.
[edit] Revolutionary Apple Upgrade System
In a genius move, aimed at giving the consumer a fair and cost-effective method to upgrade/service their products, Apple put the RAUS method into place in 1382; the very same year that Steve Jobs sold his soul (and the soul of a small Japanese girl) to Satan: Lord of the Underworld.
The reason the system was found to be so revolutionary is that it consists of three simple, idiot-proof steps.
[edit] To upgrade an iCRac
- Throw away existing iCRac.
- Buy new iCRac.
- Attend job you despise in order to make money to "upgrade" again next month.
The same system was put in place with regard to servicing iPods with dead batteries (which usually occurs between 6-8 minutes of purchase, or between 1-2 charges).
[edit] To Change iPod Battery
- Throw away existing iPod with dead battery.
- Buy new Ipod.
- Buy all new songs to fill you brand new Ipod with.
Should replacing your purchase every three weeks become too much of a burden to bear, the iPod can also be used as a handy and efficient suicide device.
[edit] iPod Suicide Function
- Wear white headphones in Brixton (South London for you Yanks) at 3am (preferably after attending a particularly trendy gig with all your Art Student friends at the Brixton Academy).
- Be identified as an Apple enthusiast from a distance (Thank you stylish white headphones!).
- Get robbed and stabbed in the chest seven times.
- Die.
[edit] To upgrade an iMac (includes brand new very iMediocre software for users who are iStupid)
- Switch on iMac, takes a while as the hatred of windows software needs time to initialise.
- Keep waiting, iIncompatibility is loading.
- Keep waiting.
- Keep waiting, iMac is tired. This is why most iUsers never turn off their Mac, and just let it iSleep.
- Keep waiting; consider getting some excersise, which you desperately need, on an iTreadmill.
- Use safari to access upgrademe.com. Smile and contemplate the fact you are the soon to be the owner of a totally average operating system.
- Watch in frustration as the iMachine freezes and locks up.
- Whilst waiting, consider filling out an iComplaint for Apple by simply bashing the keyboard with your iFists and iHead.
- Buy a PC, which, while infested with spyware and viruses, will not kill your inner child.
- Alternatively, pull the plug and repeat from step 1 until an iPatch is released to keep your iPrograms open for more than 10 iSeconds
[edit] Fun Activities
Some of the fun activities associated with iApple iComputers are drawing crappy pictures with an iMouse, looking for a decent iGame that works, smashing your iComputer to pieces when you realize that you cannot get a decent game on it, and feeling bad about being ripped off.
Testing of iGames is difficult, as many iMac users consider playing games on your computer rather silly. 100% of PC software available is incompatible unless you choose to allow your iMac to emulate a PC. Fortunately this includes emulating all iSpyware and iViruses.
Shopping for compatible accessories and software is a fun scavenger hunt, equal in challenge to finding your leg.
[edit] Pro League Baseball
Apple Computers get very very bored, so they decided to make a baseball team. iProLegueBaseball included them in "Expansion Era LXIX". They are the 5th team in the iPacificCoastDivison. They have already won 69 PLB Titles, without playing a single game. The manager is Steve Jobs. Steve Wozniak is relegated to being that douche who dances on top of the visitors' dugout, turning them gay and automatically giving iApple the win. They go undefeated every year. Once again, they have NOT played a single iGame.
[edit] Business Use
Noticing that people who prefer iMacs don't use them to play iGames, many publishing companies use iMacintoshes in their layout designing. Other media iCompanies have found iMacs to be useful in keeping their iOperators from being distracted from work by playing iSolitaire.
Optimised for iGraphics, they are mainly consumed by iPeople who can't be bothered reading complex iComputer code such as CD C:\Documents\Files\text\. Mac users are forced to double-iClick an icon instead.
Comparing iApple computers with IBM computers is like comparing iApples and iOranges. iOranges are less successful as they have thick iImpenetrable skins, a covering of nasty iPith and don't taste at all pleasant. Some iPeople, however, insist that they are an iGoodThing and still continue to consume them.
[edit] Religion
Apple is also known as one of the world's leading religions. Most that subscribe to the religion note that there is a book of Job in the Christian bible, and see an image of Steve Jobs when they see paintings of Jesus. Jobs has recently sued the Christian Church over this, saying "They are using my name without compensation! How dare they!" However, despite the teachings of the Apple religion, the book of Job does not actually mention consumer electronics. It is said that many Christian and Muslin leaders also secretly subscribe to the teachings of Apple. This can be proven by the fact that, as in Christianity, Apple asks you to regularly donate 10% of your gross income to them for peace of mind. Only instead of making Jesus happy, the tithings will go to buying what should be a free service pack to their kitty-based operating systems.
There are several paintings showing Jesus with a MacBookPro, and some censored parts of the christian circles insist that Pontius Pilatus (the bad guy, who looks much like Bill Gates) used a Intel 0001-based abacus with Windows 32AD to manage his executions in those times.
The only proof that has survived is Steve Jobs, Apple's CEO. He has magical powers (like the ability to sell plastic bricks). Plus, he is a master of optical illusions: He can make all clothes looking like an ordinary purple turtleneck and pink jeans, of the type that John Mayer might wear. Steve Jobs is illegally married to an illegal alien from the planet Zarkon, the leaders of the universe and the comptrollers of Apple's manufacturing efforts.
The apple religion isn't as completely insane as the fanbase of the commodore amiga, since at least Apple fans don't use a system that less than 5 people on the planet actually know how to use.
There are protestors who want to have the world switch to another religion, however. This religion is called VistaPremiuminism
[edit] Lawsuits
Suing corporations is the Great American Pastime™. Apple Computer is no different.
One notable time, Apple was sued by the Beatles because the American and British public were too goddamned stupid to tell the difference between computers and vinyl discs. To settle the lawsuit, Apple said that they would never, ever, ever do anything related to music ever, and wrote a song about it entitled "Sosumi" (pronounced "so-sue-me").
Apple then saw something about this whole Internet thing and launched a plan to take over the music industry. The Beatles got pissed again (well, Ringo Starr got pissed, since he's the only living Beatle. How the hell did that happen?), and hauled Apple's ass back to court. This time, the lawsuit ended with Apple essentially becoming the Beatles. With these new rights over all things Beatles, Apple decided to resurrect John Lennon and groom him as the eventual replacement for Steve Jobs.
[edit] Marketing and Product Launch
Apple typically hide their newest product in the dark and develop them in the dark e.g. iPhoto, and let no one else know what they are doing, until their iLaunch product launch conferences. These conferences are typically endorsed by celebrities and are marketed that way to incorporate not only iFans, but other celebrity-related fans.
Apple usually compare their products along their competitors to demonstrate why their iProducts are better than their competitors, e.g. Microsoft Windows. There are always some reasons why Macs are better. Below is one of their iLaunches and a typical advertising campaign.
[edit] Products
[edit] The Apple
Apple began experimental research and development on gene manipulation in the 1980s, as a way to grow copies of the logo organically. The only result was some form of multicolored bulb. Seeing that the project was making dismal progress, the program was canceled after only a few years.
A solution was soon found, however, at no cost to Apple. In 2001, Apple, Inc. had become so popular that a farmer, an art student with no computer experience, by the name of Louis the Third discovered a sweet, red fruit, and decided to name it the "Apple" - because it looked so similar to the logo of Apple, Inc.
[edit] iiPod
Apple felt jealous because of the Apple iPod's success, which caused Apple to make its own version. the iiPod. there are many differences which tech geeks, geekstas and nerds argue which is better.
[edit] iK47
A white rebranded, more expensive music playing assault rifle. Very good for shooting, reliable, made of disposable high icarbon crap. Bullets can be purchased for 99 cents each, or 9.99 for a full cartridge. In contrast, competitors will rent you unlimited bullets for $14.95 per month.
The iK47 is known to be a favorite of our boys in Iraq. Sadly, they have to go to war with the weapons they have, not the weapons they'd actually need to win a war.
[edit] iCrap
The apple iCrap was released after the iRaq. It lets you surf the web and talk with your friends all while you Piss in the Toilet. It looked like a piece of chocolate. It also lets you play music, watch videos, and play games like pooptris. It also competed against Nintendo's PS7, and the widely popular Microsoft product the Pune. It is also notable for influencing every Mac product released in later years.
[edit] iBoob
[edit] iPack
Tired of all that annoying lugging around of heavy objects? Use the iPack, which uses hypercube data stolen from Jimmy Neutron to store all of your belongings in your own personal hyperspace allotment. WARNING: Steve Jobs reserves the right to steal your stuff at any given time for no reason.
[edit] iWant You
This section is about propaganda. Apple is a well known creator of propaganda. Do not fall victim to it.
[edit] Fat Squared Technology
Fat Squared is the core technology behind iFat and iFood.
[edit] iFat
With latest models of iPod not being suitable for fat people, with the Fat Squared Technology, the new iFat is roll resistant with Fat (cannot be lost within layers of fat), and is sprayed with the essence of exercise so they wont be tempeted to eat it. And, just like other iPod models, has an astonishing battery life of 3.25 minutes! It even support food scents and food skinned cases. Unlike other Apple products, iFat has a very different user interface. Its new user interface, F.A.T., was designed by Fat Squared Research Group to look especially pleasant to fat people.
[edit] iFood
iFood is Apple Foodalator.
[edit] iGun
The iGun is a compact, 9mm, single action, semi-automatic pistol that holds a 10-round clip. It has a central core made of hard-anodized titanium alloy encased in a shockproof, translucent plastic shell and will be sold in a range of aesthetically pleasing colours. It is also Bluetooth and Wi-Fi enabled and has a 8Gb storage drive.
On the day when it was launched, the company CEO delighted the audience by firing several live rounds into the air then, moments later, logging onto a Yahoo! news site and proudly displaying the downloaded headline: 'JOBS FIRES GUN AT PRESS CONFERENCE.'
[edit] iTouch myself (read aloud)
It's true I do. Well obvs man :D
[edit] iCar
Travel in style with the sleek white vehicle that has built in docking station for all Apple products. It automatically sync with iPod, iHouse, iMac, iFat, iFood, and all other apple products. Fueled by the competition between it and Microsoft it gets about 20 miles to the purchase of an Apple product and an added 5 miles for every subconscious thought. It boasts an astonishing 800 iPower pulling off from 0-60 in 7 iPod song synchronizations. Now available in black or white.
iCar OS X Cheetah (64bit) was released in April 4th 2031. iCar OS X Puma (64bit) was released in October 28th 2032. iCar OS X Jaguar (128bit) was released in February 9th 2034. iCar OS X Panther (128bit) was released in May 24th 2035. iCar OS X Tiger (128bit) was released in January 10th 2037. iCar OS X Leopard (256 bit) was released in March 3rd 2039
[edit] iSpy
The iSpy is Apple's surveillance networked hooked up to all iWebcams. Look out, there're watching you, simply to observe what other strange phenomena those who live in a world without windows do (this iS iNcluded in the standard form of agreement)
[edit] iSuck
Yes, We all know you suck.
[edit] iLoan
So you can afford all the products
[edit] iScore
The iScore was the ipod that got guys the girls. Giggity, Giggity, Giggity!, ALL RIIIGHT!!!
[edit] iFag
Apples most commonly sold product, a kit including everything you need to be a iFag. (Contents: iDildo, iGayporn, iPlasticmanboob, iMonkeysperm and a big, slow and incapable iMac for you to look up more iGayporn and chat with iPedophiles! )
[edit] iHouse
Remote key less entry via your Apple device signature, unlocking the doors as you approach. The house is completely self sustaining and operates for 14 hours on one charge. The iHouse does not have any windows. UPDATE iHouse 2.0 - iHouse now comes with integrated iGarage, the iCar Docking station. However it doesn't support windows. iSight was added and automatic synchronization with the iSights of other Apple products. When iSight senses unwanted fat people entering, it alerts iFat and then iPolice. UPDATE! iHouse 2.4.3 - It has no windows??? Exactly...
[edit] iSore
A failed prototype that was launched early but failed to catch consumers attention due to the shity design.
[edit] iSlave
With the new iMac Steve needed a little more power, so thousands of Albanian slaves are packed into that little computer. Japanese were used to do the math with their feet.
[edit] iNstine
Apple invented the function on the ipod "genius" which listens to a good song you playing and finds a totally crap song to replace it, but apple have now invented iNstine, an ipod-like device witch brings genius to a whole new level and takes one of your songs (loaded onto the device it using itunes)and spamms you with a load of shit songs you dont whant
[edit] iRaqs
A build your own Vietnam situation building set. Comes with: corrupt politicians, brainless/brainwashed citizens, large armies with real firearms and gaseous weapons, American Weapons of Care and Nurturing(aka Strategic Weapons aka Weapons of Collateral Damage), body parts and more. A small task force of Swedish UN weapons inspectors is also available in the collector's edition. For a small extra fee you also receive Anthrax, terrorists operatives suicide bombers and Boeing 737's. For specially hand crafted American and iRaqi tyrants see registration form and contact your local Kremlin Office. (Weapons of Mass Deception sold separately)
[edit] iRobot
iRobot is the latest invention of Apple. This sleek new Robot can vacuum the house, cook high-class food, do the dishes, your laundry, your wife and can even send your kids to school. It comes with a built in Safety feature that makes it unable to kill any human *Wink*. Will Smith would be proud. The Wife version of iRobot comes with a very sweet user interface that makes looks sexy for you. However, only supports iHouse and other Apple Products.
[edit] iWin
...and uLose. If you have to ask why, then you've never played The Game. yea you all are n00bs.
[edit] iCaramba!
New hands-free smart-Vibrator for Spanish speakers. Early reports are of low battery life expectancy
[edit] iRan
Should the iRaq not work out for you, the iRan will!
[edit] iRack
This is Apple's way of fixing the Middle East, with an easy to use interface and User Friendly Commands you can do what you want with iRaq. Don't worry if your screw up, there's always the iRan!
[edit] iPi
This was made by Apple during the mid 5th century. People began to eat the iPi and became terribilly ill and died. This was known as the Black Death, so Apple changed their colors to the white. Apple has never claimed responsibility for this, and blamed their rival company, Microsoft.
[edit] iBeam
Not to be confused with the iPlank, the iBeam is Apples attempt to steal and patent the idea lying behing the infamous Eye Beams. Steve Jobs installed the first one into Pope John Paul 2.0, creating the world's first iPope.
[edit] iSearch
Recently Apple used their iK47s and invaded Google. Google then surrendered and Larry Page and Seregy Brin were executed, letting Apple take control of the search engine. Shortly after taking over Google, Apple changed Google's name into iSearch.
[edit] iEye
Apple's latest re-flogging of an exhausted brand prefix, the iEye is the latest innovation in eye replacement software. Not only will the iEye let you see in up to 700 different colours, as normal (or Windows) eyes do but your eye will be able to access the internet, store up to 75,000,000,000 different songs (provided each of these songs takes up a maximum 2Kb and last for approximately 0.35 seconds), play normally embarrassing videos which no one else will know you are watching, see through walls, see through ice-creams, see through boring, long-running and hastily put together lists used for comedic purposes; and it can slice bagels (Note: the Apple iEye is not compatible with current, ham or Blackberry bagels).
The iEye sold over 4 million units in it's first week after the US release. Over 80% of these sales were by pirates, plotting to use them for awful puns involving talking like a pirate.
[edit] iClaudius
Not actually an Apple product, iClaudius is a British made TV series covering the life of Roman Emperors, from the Augustine period to the end of Claudius' reign. The title has caused much confusion in the past and now the clever people at Uncyclopedia want to confuse you even more.
[edit] iPedia
Apple bought out Wikipedia and changed it to iPedia, what next? Apple did a pretty crappy job on redesigning the logo. Fortunately, they were persuaded not to buy uncyclopedia becuase they were unprepared to try adding i's before a vowel
[edit] The Apple
Apple's attempt to design a fruit lead to the creation of the iAppler.This easy to use kitchen tool involves placing modelling clay into the Apple logo at the top of the machine and pressing Start.After 3 minutes you have an Apple!The fruit is green,tasty and is the exact shape of the Apple logo.Although very few humans eat Apples,the fruit is very popular with bats and Hillary Clinton.
In 2001, Apple Inc. had become so popular, that a farmer by the name of Louis the Third discovered a sweet, red fruit, and decided to name it the "Apple" - because it looked so similar to the logo of Apple Inc.
[edit] See also
- iiPod
- Windows Error
- iMacintosh
- iApple Company
- iPods
- Steve "Hand" Jobs
- Spinning Wheel of Death
- Cosmic Apple
- Great Apple Massacre
- Mcintosh
- Blacktown
- Bobbing for apples
- Pear
- List of minor iProducts
- iMovie
- Mac OS 10.5
- Web Design
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