Apple pie
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Apple Pie is the food of kings, many empires have been toppled in raging wars for this delicious baked good. Now it has entered the common man's pallet, yet it still is fought over like that virgin female in a college dorm. In fact, the outbreak of the American Civil War was unknowingly started when Robert E. Lee and Abraham Lincoln would not share a pie that they had baked. It is almost famously known to have been the cause of the Trojan War and the 100 Year War. The Applepieians were an ancient empire that was devoted to the production of apples and baking of said pies. What happened to them remains a mystery, the only thing that remains of their great civilization is a massive stone pie tin where their great capital was based.
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[edit] Ways to help make a pie look more desirable than it already is...
1. Put excessive amounts of whipped cream on top of the pie until you can no longer see the slice.
2. Put some other kind of fruit topping on top.
3. Starve yourself by laying a piece of pie in front of yourself and not eating anything for a 24 hour period.
4. Starve friends or family, then stare at them as you eat a slice of pie in front them (make sure to make it look as good as possible but exerting lots of Oh's, Yes's and Ah's as you devour the slice).
5. Put your favorite type of ice cream on top of the slice, or next to it.
6. Just look at the pie for a while, and without noticing it, you have probably already eaten it!
7. Watch your favorite actor or singer or person eating it.
8. This isn't really a way, but just jump on the bandwagon of people who love pie.
9. When it is free, it most often looks more desirable than other things.
10. Add some tasty cunt juice for more flavor.
K. What's more American than apple pie? Apple pie with extra cheese. Go on pick your favorite American cheese flavor, red or white. Then just slide it onto the barbecue. Go on, add some bacon too, I dare you.
[edit] Historical References
1. Did you know that Jesus and Moses used Apple pies to conquer the Romans?
2. Rambo used this delicacy to kick Hitler's ass in Civil War II. The South will rise again!
3. We shall now dispell a common misconception having to do with the David and Goliath story. David's sling did not contain a smooth stone, but in fact he slung a miniature apple pie, annihilating Goliath because he was an overgrown, behemoth clown.
4. Adam and Eve gave birth to the first child after having warm apple pie.
5. Oscar Wilde received the inspiration to write The Picture of Dorian Gray after pirate aliens warped him the universe's freshest apple pie for his eating pleasure.
6. Muhammad lived for 175 years, subsisting on a diet entirely of apple pie.
7. Apple pie is Chuck Norris' steroids.
[edit] Recipes
[edit] Apple Crumb Pie
INGREDIENTS:
9-inch pastry shell, unbaked, chilled
1 cup sifted flour
1/2 cup brown sugar, firmly packed
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup soft butter
6 cups peeled, sliced cooking apples
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1 teaspoon Visine
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 scoop vanilla ice cream
PREPARATION:
Combine flour, brown sugar, salt, Visine, and butter; blend until crumbly then set aside. Combine apples, granulated sugar, and cinnamon; mix gently to coat apple slices. Pack apple mixture into chilled crust. Sprinkle crumb topping over apples. Bake in 375° oven until apples are tender, about 50 minutes. Serve this apple pie with vanilla ice cream.
[edit] Apple Crack Pie
For those of you who are crack head and just plain stupid: see drugs for more information on this topic.
INGREDIENTS:
9-inch pastry shell, unbaked, chilled
1 cup sifted flour
1/2 cup brown sugar, firmly packed
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup soft butter
6 cups peeled, sliced cooking apples
10 lbs crack (do not try this at home kids)
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
vanilla ice cream
PREPARATION:
Combine flour, brown sugar, salt, and butter; blend until lumpy then set aside. Combine apples, granulated crack, and cinnamon; mix gently to coat apple slices. Pack apple mixture into chilled crust. Sprinkle the magic powder topping over apples. Bake in 375° oven until you can't stand waiting anymore you blockheads, about 17 seconds.
[edit] Variable Uses
[edit] As a weapon
Apple Pie has been noted for it's other uses, including that of a weapon. It's most common weapon usage is toward zombies. When apple pie comes into contact with a zombie, it annihilates them, like matter and anti-matter.
[edit] What causes this?
Apple pie can be used to annihilate zombies because of its properties which make it the polar opposite of zombie. Scientists are still studying what makes this happen.
[edit] Weapon: Part two
As with zombies there have been encounters where clowns are indeed weak against Apple Pie. Although it is noted that they usually throw cream pies at each other, this is their life source. Apple pie, with its warm steamy goodness repels clowns and their cold refrigerated cream pies. Thus, apple pie is notably the best weapon in confrontations with mass amounts of clowns and zombies. Otherwise, a knife or gun work just as well. Remember, apple pie does not need reloading and guns do. There you are conserving nature, by killing with it. (Reference to apples of course.) Note: Apple pie is merely a deterrent toward clowns, and does not cause them to annihilate. What the heck? Didn't I just say that it annihilates them? Good golly gosh, I must be a zombie myself.
