Arab-Israeli Conflict

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America's Road Map to Peace

“The Palestinians are the Forgottens Sons of the Middle East Desert rubble heaps. The Jews are the Remembered Fathers of it”

~ Lawrence of Arabia on Arab-Israeli Conflict

“Either that wallpaper goes or I blow myself up!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Arab-Israeli Conflict

“Was it something I said?”

~ Adolf Hitler on Arab-Israeli Conflict

In one aborted UN attempt to solve the conflict a series of fights to the death were held between a randomly matched Israeli (center) and Palestinian (center). It was soon realized that the number of such matches required to solve the conflict was prohibitively expensive.

The Arab-Israeli Conflict is a long-running philosophical conflict regarding the existence of Arabs and Israelis. One philosophical school of thought holds that Palestinians do not exist, while the opposing school of thought holds that Israelis should not exist. Some fringe groups, normally considered quacks, think that they both can co-exist. But mainstream physics holds that this violates the law of conservation of energy, as much more energy is required to keep them from fighting than anyone is willing to expend.

The origin of this conflict is a squabble over a piece of land historically known as the land of Kaanan. This place is commonly considered to be the Rectum of the World, but since the Jews claim it as their heritage, the Arabs want it more than anything, and the Catholics go on dreaming about it although they haven't been there in ages.

Or you can just blame the English for fucking up the whole area!

[edit] History

Originally, this land belonged to the dinosaurs. However, when the first Jews came, they outsmarted the dinosaurs, and brought them into financial submission. In fact, during the original Israeli reign, it was not uncommon to see a Jew riding his stegosaurus-employee down the street. This was, of course, until the dinosaurs got so sick of listening the perpetual whining that they committed a mass suicide and ended the cretaceous period.

Shortly after, the Arabs came. Outnumbered, the Jews decided to ship out to Europe, and take control of the continent’s financial assets.

After the holocaust, the Jews returned to Israel, established a nation and named it… Israel. Within 24 hours of this, a coalition of Arabic troops attacked and the Jews defeated them. The shocking truth of the matter is that the Arabic defeat was not, as predicted, a financial overtaking, but a legitimate military defeat.

Military analyst Harriet Tubman explains: “Nobody knew that Jews could fight. There are two major theories as to how such a small number of them were capable of winning against such a large and powerful coalition. The first one is that Jews, despite being whiny and good with numbers actually are good fighters. The second explanation is that despite any direct evidence, the whole thing somehow probably ties back to finances anyway. Most of my colleagues favor the first explanation, but from the culture that dances to ‘Hava Nagila’, I’m going to have to go with the latter.”

Israeli-Arabic conflict has continued ever since, but all that has really emerged from this are some shitty new terms in Yiddish. Lately Irael has propoed a "Final Solution" to the problem: Wipe out every single nation on the face of the Earth with a nucelar holcaust that will last 40 days and nights until only Israel is left. However, they have assured western nations that they'll kill all the Arabs first and will, "Kill you all later!" Since George Dubya Bush is an imbecile he agrees to this.

[edit] Another way to look at it

It is a mythical story, told by angry parents in order to frighten their children. However, recent research has proven that this conflict may actually exist, which was a phenomenal discovery and has shocked the world of science.

[edit] Road map to Peace - The Director's Cut

A lesser known "Director's Cut" release of the Road Map to Peace was distributed in 1998 by William J Clinton. On the insistence of the muffled cigar filled voice emanating from underneath the Oval Office desk, he penned Clause 4B.233.2 which states "Let us nuke everything from Morocco to Pakistan for fun"

This clause was later deleted from the published version. It is rumoured that George Dubya Bush has a surviving copy of it available and is working towards the goal stated in the clause. However, progress has been severely hampered without the muffled cigar filled voice emanating from beneath his Oval Office Desk.

[edit] See also

• Jewish History
• Beirut