Areas
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[edit] Area 51
Area 51 has long been a vacation spot for girls gone tame Catholics, whose women flock there every year to enjoy Mardi Gras, the one day of the year that they don't have wear their veils and beatings are restricted to 91 lashes.| Liquor is illegal| in area fifty one.
|Since this vacation spot is very private, people dispatched women with huge chests to distract men and little boys about this scenic area.
As of August 28, 2005,the late New Orleans has experienced what some would call a rebirth, as a deluge of exciting new opportunities entered into the city. It is now the host of a city-wide water park, once thought impossible due to the arid surroundings of Area 51 (residents worry that the water may soon dry up, which would probably rob them of much federal aid garnered from President Rumsfeld's frequent visits to the water park). The water park was so exciting some have claimed to see the dead rising from their graves to join in on the fun. Since August 28, 2005 a veritable flood of new residents has clamored into the city, with such prestigious guests at Mr. Typhoid, Sir Diphtheria, Mrs. West Nile, Mr. Pond Scum, Senor Mosquitoes, and the honorable Mr. Dysentery, adding to Area 51's affluent population. The Area sports America's lowest poverty level, and despite the }}booming city's| growth, there is still plenty of space |left for any who would like to live in America's greatest Area. But you can only get in if you HATE Guitar Hero.
[edit] Project "Prometheus"
It has all but been confirmed that the United States Air Force has been developing the "BC-304" within Area 51. The BC-304 is the updated, (mass) production model of the "X-303," codenamed "Prometheus." While the Prometheus eventually lived up to all of the United States Government's expectations (after a series of retrofits), the BC-304 has been modified to have full interstellar and, hypothetical, combat readiness straight off of the production line. The primary purpose of the BC-304 is manned interstellar exploration and, hypothetically, the defense of the Earth. The BC-304 fills the gap in the Unites States' Space Program that is left by the Orion (spacecraft) which only possess sub-light, interplanetary capabilities.
[edit] Things you should be ready to say when you visit
- What seems to be the officers, problem?
- Oh dear god! It's not possible!
- That's fuckin' neato.
- Is that an alien down your pants
- Ohhhhh so that's where Chuck Norris was spawned (Dale Collins gave birth)
[edit] Area 7
Area 7 is not an Area. It is a book. Thus, if you make any attempt to enter it, you will be alone being shredded by an alien attack dog while competing in a fight to the death between the 7 intelligent species of the known universe. Your companions will be shot repeatedly by rogue agents of the F.B.I. until they exist as nothing more but bloody pulp and looking stupid. . One of them will vomit up his liquefied organs after breathing in a deadly virus, created by US Bio Warfare Lab. You'll end up leaving, having nothing to do but die while your friends are ripped to shreads because there was nothing there that could stop the alien threat. You'll end up lying in a crater, burning, flesh melting, leaving you wishing you'd never come. A shame you couldn't warn any of those other fools. I guess they're next. Good going.
[edit] Area 15
Area 15 (not to be confused with Area 51) is a secret base located in the desert that was built by the corporations for the claimed purpose of developing owner's manuals for top secret technology. Some speculate that Area 15 is in fact a government venture intended to develop methods of stealthing everything huge.
- Correction: Area 15 is actually the }}smoke screen, cover conspiracy for the actual secret base, Area 25. Area 25 is located under Area 15. The facility includes an underground highway to Cheyenne Mountain and the White House; and an underground hanger/landing strip. The Stargate is believed to also be here. some also believe the stigfrom the TV show Top gear was created here along with his good friend Pacman.
[edit] Area Jared's Face
[[Image:Area.jpg|left|thumb|An actual photograph of the hideous place. The photograph is rather small, but in actuality it is the size of the state of Montana.You can clearly{{c| see that the area is shaped like a warthogs backside [[Image:iNuke.jpg|right|thumb|A depiction of the iNuke as seen and submitted by an anonymous leak, claimed to be seen in its late stages in 1994. The same person claims having seen another of these nearby which was almost the same except for an added single tail-fin on one side.]] Created by Apple as a top-secret testing facility in Arizona for their latest weapon, the iNuke. Built and placed into service in 1982, Apple made an agreement with the U.S. government stating that Area 342000000012 was a distraction to the public from Area 51 despite the stupidly different title.
Apple has been producing the iNukeAfter creating the iNuke, Apple plans to use it against their arch nemesis, Microsoft. However, they are unlikely to ever finish this project, as they don't know exactly what a nuclear missile is shaped like, hence their latest disaster, supposedly known as the iNuke beta (see image). If you enlarge the iNuke image, you will clearly see the Apple logo on its left "pylon".
The iNuke has recently received considerable criticism. Apple and the Area 342000000012 personnel have had very little luck countering the issues, as they are focusing on ammending the fact that people know about it in the first place. This event has become known as the "privacy iNvasion incident".
The iNuke, despite being a hopeless, steaming pile of crud still remains useful to some. The iNuke comes in two sizes, 30gb ($100 US) and 20kb ($8,756 US for some reason). They feature an all new monochrome(black and white) CRT monitor, which is considered state-of-the-art considering it is the only production model of it's kind, and are made of enriched uranium. On a totally unrelated topic, a majority of iNuke owners have terminal brain cancer. The iNuke are extremely compact and will fit into almost any large van or truck. Apple claims that they have no project called "iNuke", but we know better... All prices, dates and figures in this last paragraph were given to us by an anonymous Microsoft employee who is working at Apple to spy on their latest projects. I can assure you, he is a very, very trustworthy chimp.
[edit] Area XP
[edit] Area 52
Area 52 is place designated and owned by the CIA, FBI, KGB, Torchwood Institute, KFC, MSFT, ISV, IAC , Freemasons, Michael Jackson, GM, the X-Men, The Carrington Institute, Doraemon Broke Phi Broke, and Pepperidge Farm.
The area was first defined in June of 1952 when the CIA and the FBI both held secret information exchanges with the KGB in the same location without the other knowing until it was too late. The CIA and the FBI knew that a foul-up this big could easily destroy their reputations as 3-letter-acronym-organizations. The KGB, also embarrassed for not realizing that they had two meetings with different people in the same location at the time, quickly called for the help of their brother organizations at the time, the KFC & the IAC. MSFT, who had been monitoring KFC & IAC activity for months at the time using an early version of their satellite imaging system, followed them to the location, having nothing better to do at the time.
Once all six organizations met, they decided that it would be best for all of them if the incident was never mentioned to anyone else and just completely forgotten about. Area 52 was officially fenced off two months later, as so no one would discover any evidence of the meeting that might have been left behind. Leftover cupcakes and martinis as well as napkins with secret codes scribbled on them have since been spotted in the vicinity.
In 2000, five dumbass aliens managed to find their way to Area 52 while running from the US government. No one knows what the government wanted with them or where they came from, but there are rumors that the aliens found a connection between a specific brand of toothpaste and cow dung.
Four years later, a joint reconnaissance effort by the Freemasons and Broke Phi Broke to find the purpose of Area 52 led them both to be included in the secret, marking the first coordination between Broke Phi Broke and the KGB since their dramatic breakup in March of the previous year.
In the years following the 9-11, 2001 terrorist attacks, security around the area has been tightened greatly, preventing any further information to be collected. Officials say that should the story behind Area 52 leak to the terrorists, it would create a threat of 1052 "9-11"s, which is slightly more than 958371.
[edit] Area C4M3R00N
Area C4M3R00N is a top secret US military base located somewhere in Africa (the location is even unknown to us). The only 3 who know its location are dead, in another dimension or both. Area C4M3R00N's primary function is for the production of clones of Denzel Washington, Samuel "Mudda Fucka" L. Jackson and Barak Obama to create a super army to protect America from the "mother fucking" terrorists. For more information, go here Area C4M3R00N. Contrary to popular belief, research on asshole repair is not taking place in Area C4M3R00N.
[edit] Area 56
Also called the hottest place in the internet. Founded by Gary Newman, this area is used as internet-navigatingweapons research and development center, always hosting a competition between anime and furry scientists, grammar nazis and other failed supersoldiers. This place is also filled with Communists.
[edit] Area 69
This Area could be actually entered in games like 69 Position and I Love This Position So Friggin' Much. This area is claimed to be an actual strip club and a whore house right up Donald Trump's ass. Just Kidding. It was founded by Bill Cosby. Even today, great scientists don't know where its whereabouts are.
[edit] Where Can it be Found?
We can't say. It's top secret, just like the locations of areas one through to eighty-four. Area 51 is excluded though, because the world and his wife already know where it is and where those aliens that the government is trying to hide are. If you'd like to explore it, however, you can always run to the nearest video game store and buy a copy of GTA: San Andreas.
[edit] What can be found in area 69?
Ask your father. Alternatively, rent some porn. However, we do NOT advise renting porn with your father in it, no matter how logical it is to say it would help you find out twice as fast, however we can say that a whole bunch of llamas were spotted grazing on what seems to be a severed head.
[edit] Oh God! The Secrecy!!!
Yes, indeed. you may also get eaten by a grue shittttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!! here comes 1 now in my own home argh! oh its only my dog. never mind
