Aristotle
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“ I shared a bottle of Ouzo with him once and woke up with a terrible pain in my loins...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Aristotle
“Why did Plato teach that slacker?”
~ Socrates on Aristotle
Aristotle was a philosopher, famous for his proof that the square root of 2 is a rational number. He was famously absent minded, and once jumped out of his bath and ran all the way down the street naked shouting 'Eureka! Eureka!' before realising he'd stolen Archimedes' gambit, hadn't actually discovered anything and was just kicking up a fuss over nothing [1]. Some have attributed this to his heavy drinking, similar to Plato and Hobbes.
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[edit] Life and Times
Aristotle was born in 384 BC into the Greek upper class, which later dubbed itself the aristocracy in his honor. Despite his noble origin he valued hard work, hard maths, hard drinking, and, er, certain other hard things. If you think about cock, you got it. He was a man's man, and a woman's man as well.
However, he was proud of his philosophical prowess, and got so upset over Plato's discovery of infinitillion that he vowed to become a ninja. Before he could find a teacher, he was dissuaded by a passing ninja who sensed the infidel's intent. Aristotle returned to his philosophy, and the ninja continued to burn all records of Eastern Europe's existence.
Aristotle discovered the Genitive, but thought it was pretty useless.
Aristotle had many talents, such as potato-farming, laser-technology, more potato farming, a bit of pimping on the side, more potato farming, pimping out potatoes, and pimping out potatoes to giant lasers.
In the end giant lasers became unsatisfied with the potatoes, and proceeded to drill a hole through Aristotle's head. Although he died horribly and in pain, he would have been happy to know that, in death, he was able to help the love of his life -- his body was used as fertiliser for potatoes. Unfortunately, Aristotle tasted really bad, and via a freak wormhole in the time space continuum, was responsible for the Great Irish Potato Famine.
[edit] Aristotle in Sports
Aristotle never really was a jock, and he was often teased by his friends for wasting his time on math. However, after he invented extreme mathematics, he was regarded in pretty much the same way as before, only not as nerdy.
Despite the fact that Aristotle was a weak white guy, he had the ability to become a big black man who was an expert at basketball. When he had become the latter man, he was appropriately known as Big Aristotle. He played center for the Greek Olympic basketball team in the Olympic Games of 356 BC. Unfortunately the Turks had developed scimitars, and the Greeks lost by 4 points after their starting forward suffered a disabling head wound.
Aristotle also loved to play darts. He reported had two Unicyclopedias, although he referred to them as Unicyclopediae.[1]
One day when Aristotle was growing potatoes, he ate one, got sick and by the end of the day through a series of bizarre events he invented bowling
[edit] Syllorgasm
While watching Thirteen, Aristotle was like "Dude, this is boring, I should like have some Doritos man. Hey I should invent syllogism while I'm at it." Thus, syllogism was invented.
Syllogism is a thought process that goes like this:
"My stapler is red. The sky in an apocalyptic drawing made by a kindergartner is red. Therefore, my stapler will fill the sky in an apocalyptic world."
The human race can thank Aristotle for the beloved film Beat Street.
"Beets grow from the ground. My street is on the ground. Therefore, I should make a film filled with breakdancing, rapping, and girls that could boogie too.
[edit] Influence Throughout History
Although many of Aristotle's ideas have been disproven, he profoundly influenced the course of modern thought. For instance, basketball players are no longer allowed to use swords.
However, Aristotle's theory that all matter is made up of four basic building blocks -- white potatoes, yellow potatoes, red potatoes, and purple onions -- has been discarded.
A statue made of marmalade has been erected in Jim Davidson's shed. It is thought to be Aristotle, known of course for his love of Marmalade. Aristotle's book " Ethics, according to Heinz" has been published in 43.2 different languages including Klingon, and is the biggest selling book of all-time.
According to Aristotle, the definition of morality is to be rich, famous, beautiful, and funny. This vision had a deep influence on Hugh Hefner : "When I read Aristotle, i discovered how moral I had to be. And then I decided to create Playboy and fuck billions of blond haired girls".
[edit] Aristotle: The False Prophet?
Through the tireless work of the Schiller, Goeth, and other members of the EIR, and the last desperate scriblings written on the wall by Plato just before his supposed death, it has become a terrible probablity that Aristotle is actually the Devil's mouthpiece and whose "Empiricism" (AKA: Existentialism, AKA: Pragmatism) is the philosophical base for the elitist conspiracy called "The Illuminati" (this philosophy state that only the senses are correct, thus, your nightmares are real and are GOING TO KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!)
As of late, certain scholars say that Aristotle may have worn Tefillin in a music video for a James Bond film.
[edit] See also
[edit] Witty Repartee
- ↑ This was the source of his nickname, Aristotle "Two Unicyclopediae" Jackson.
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