Mathematics
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“Two plus two equal five.”
~ George Orwell on Mathematics
“I own maths. I can divide by 0.”
~ Chuck Norris on Mathematics
- MATHS is the abbreviation for - "Mathematical Anti-Telharsic Harfatum Septomin"
Mathematics is the application of arbitrary rules to abstract constructs in an entirely ambiguous non-carbohydrase-based way. There are several strains of mathematics, each of which is potentially life threatening.
[edit] Strains of Mathematics
Among the various strains of mathematics, the most dangerous are generally considered to be Alge-bra, Alger-bra, Analysis, Set theory, Calculus, Cellular Automata, Complex numbers, Geometry, Topology, Trigonometry, Number sense, Ump Studies, Statistics (69% of which contain sexual innuendo), Physics (i.e., making sure the missile lands exactly near the terrorists), and Floating Point Arithmetic.
[edit] Discovery of Mathematics
Mathematics came to earth upon a large space rock during the period of time when lizards ruled the earth. It is believed that the rock came from Mathamagic Land. As a result of the landing of the space rock, all the lizards died. Many years passed, and mathematics became a hidden element.
However, some people seem to believe that mathematics developed from counting, calculation, measurement, and other similar crap. It is hard to imagine something more non-sensical, but hey, nowadays, we have to give equal weights to all opinions, however silly they are, otherwise extremist people like the American Mathematical Sect may sue us, or, even worse, ring at our door to ask if we are interested in joining their ranks.
Fast forward to the 12th century (I've lost the remote)... Mathematics was rediscovered by Merlin, who was looking for a cure for having friends. His rediscovery was initially praised until people realized it caused the plague and killed them all.
Maths was forgotten after that incident, until it was re-discovered in 1903 by Albert Einstien. He wanted to split 6 chocolate biscuits between 2 friends evenly, but was unable to do it without maths. He then used this discovery to create his laws of relativity.
Some people believe that mathematics are hard. This makes them weep.
[edit] The Mathematical Works of Merlin
Merlin worked very hard on his rediscovered mathematics. In fact, he worked so hard that he later went mad, and some guy called Newton had to finish it off for him. Nobody cares about Newton, though. He discovered the basic sub-elements which make up mathematics. They are as follows:
| + | Plus | Take numbers, smash them together |
| - | Minus | Dig for gold or temporal flux |
| = | Double Minus | Dig twice for gold or temporal flux |
| / | Slash | Piss over said numerals |
| /. | Slashdot | Ask Mr T to piss (really nicely, or he won't respond) |
| * | Star | Goto next level. This sub-element makes 42 and 16 possible. |
| X | Ex | Close the door, it's your Ex. |
| % | Comestible | This jackal corpse tastes terrible! |
| > | Down | Go down stairs |
| < | Up | Go up stairs |
 | Pi | Mmmm...pie is yummy |
 | Measure of 1337ness | Greater than .
|
| log() | Log rhythm | What rolls down stairs, alone or in pairs, rolls over your neighbor's dog? |
| It fits on your back, it's great for a snack- | ||
| it's log! log! log! | ||
| Loo-og, loo-og, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood. | ||
| Loo-og, loo-og, it's better than bad, it's good! | ||
| Everyone wants a log. Come on and get your log. You're gonna love your log | ||
| It's log! log! log! | ||
| e | XTC | Turn up the bass. |
| ln() | A natural log. | |
| Duraflame | An unatural log. | |
| sin() | Sin | Call up the bad guy from Final Fantasy X. |
| cos() | 'Cus | Just because... |
| tan() | Tan | Get some sun. |
| Divided by Ronnie's Bed | Divide said number by Ronnie's bed. | |
| \frac{}{} | You've been using LaTeX far too much. | |
| sinh() | Hyperbolic sine | What the sun does, causing you to tan |
| cosh | Hyperbolic cosine | Used for hitting people over the head |
| i | The square root of minus one | kinda like a legal alternative to dividing by zero |
| arg() | The argument of a complex number | Pronounced arg, the last words of Joseph of Arimithea |
| <3 | Less than three | We <3 less 10 tr33 |
| </3 | Less than slash three | We </3 less 10 sl4sh tr33 |
| MOD | Modulus | The remains of deviding, AKA your brother mad at you for not sharing Pie. |
| ERROR | Syntax/Mathematical | 1/0 |
All of his findings were published in his greatest work, Spitzensparkin de Ninkumpoop, which was published in 1142.
[edit] Complexity of Mathematics
Complexity of maths = k[greekness]
[edit] Mathematics in Modern Times
In modern times, mathematics are used to prevent people from breeding, and to cure the common itch. The plague has been prevented in modern times due to the invention of mouldy bread.
But alas, the people weren't satisfied after they quit their itchin. Someone in the 18th century had to invent subfields of mathematics called calculus and trigonometry. As a result, the itching was replaced by burning and anal bleeding. Likewise, al Quaeda invented algebra, as a weapon to destroy the minds of the western world, (They succeeded) and named it for their leader, Gebra. Scientologists are still researching the effects of algebra today. Also remember that √onions = shallots.
[edit] What to do if you have been infected by mathematics
If you have been exposed to mathematics, and do not have mouldy bread... you are in deep trouble. Most likely, you will die without having any living children within an hour. If you have mouldy bread, you will be able to stave off the plague, and mate within an hour.
If you have been exposed to kory then you should kill yourself hyperbola, you must discontinue certain bodily functions right up your asymptote.
If you were exposed to calculus, you will be considered flaming and will need to be doused with water or smothered using a fire blanket or stomped on by a giant elephant.
If you were exposed to trigonometry, treatment will vary depending on the strain. Please refer to the trigonometry article for proper treatment.
There is no known cure for algebra, but you might try getting drunk. That usually helps numb the pain of my algebra infection.
If exposed to statistics then euthanasia is your best option, though this can be seen as a sympotom of statistics. Alternatively take strong anti-depressants or try running in a logarithmic curve................................
[edit] Intellectual safety levels
To protect the general public from potentially hazardous ideas, The United States Center for Cleverness Control and Prevention has classified various disciplines in levels of intellectual hazard, Level 1 being the minimal risk and Level 5 being the maximal risk.
- Intellectual Hazard Level 1: Counting, Galois cohomology
- Intellectual Hazard Level 2: Fractions, Exponentiation, Polynomials, Trigonometry, Probability, Addition
- Intellectual Hazard Level 3: Game theory, Stochastics, Calculus, Number theory, Ordinary Differential Equations, Combinatorics
- Intellectual Hazard Level 4: Complex analysis, Topology, Logic (excluding axiomatic set theory), Algebra (groups, rings et al), Functional analysis, Stochastic calculus
- Intellectual Hazard Level 5: Axiomatic set theory, Differential geometry, Algebraic geometry, Topos theory, Partial Differential Equations, Modular Forms
In the world there are only 17 mathematics institutes with sufficient precautions to deal with Intellectual Hazard Level 4 subjects without the risk of ideas leaking outside, with a possible contamination of the general public. None of them can really handle Hazard Level 5. If such a leak ever did occur, the damage to most modern civilizations would be immense; however, most cultures south of the equator would survive. In fact, a few would prosper, and so some of them have attempted to send infiltrators to those institutions in the hopes of unleashing the chaos. I mean it really makes sense.
[edit] Mathemagicians
[edit] True and falsehood in mathematics
It is a common held disbelief that 
. This idea was first published by Leonard Euler and is sometimes called Euler's identity. The easiest way to show that this is not true is to do the following:
|
| |
| square both sides |
| |
| |
| take the natural logarithm of both sides |
| divide by i |
| divide by pi |
|
We have gotten a contradiction, and hence our first assumption has to be false. Although the reality is that all complex functions are multivalued and I didn't realise that. The only reason we have reached a contradicition is because I am a douche bag and don't really know what I'm talking about. I am going to make myself feel better by firing up World of Warcraft and having a fucking good wank.
[edit] Maths Destroyed
Maths makes no fucking sense at all and doesn't in fact exist. I have a marvellous proof but there is insufficient physical memory to upload it. Disregard that.
a=b
now multiply both sides by 'a'
a^2=ab
add 'a^2'
2a^2=a^2+ab
subtract '2ab'
2a^2-2ab=a^2-ab
factorise both as a multiple of '(a-b)'
2a(a-b)=a(a-b)
divide both by 'a(a-b)'
2=1
As 2+2=5 5=2 and so 5=10 and 1 and so on and so forth.
Therefore, math is just a funny way of making ourselves feel confident when we count how many sperm we have in one cumshot. Now I realise that I CAN'T DIVIDE BY ZERO i will go home and rethink my life.
[edit] Contradiction in mathematics
Mathematics was thought to be consistent for centuries, until one day, God became annoyed with the pedanticism , pedantry pederasty of mathematicians, and created the "self-containing set", thus allowing for contradiction in mathematics. The proof goes something like this, with G denoting the self-containing set:
G={G}
therefore G={G}={ {G} }
G={G}, {{G}}
G={G}={ {G}, {{G}} }
If G={G}, then |G|=1
But if G={ {G},{{G}} }, then |G|=2
Therefore logically, as both statements are certainly true, 1=2
Then, by the extended application of the basic axioms of mathematics (which were questionable to start with), any and all numbers on the complex plane become equal, and thus the whole fabric of mathematics dissolves into the simple statement x=y, with x and y being any 2 numbers. In response to this, mathematicians questioned God's motives (an act which is a contradiction in its own right), arguing that if this applied to mathematics, then it must apply to any universal object. God evaded this argument by making a deal with the mathemagicians. They got God's permission to keep mathematics as difficult as they liked and it was now, additionally, even more pointless than it was before. Any argument in mathematics can always, by definition, be reduced to x=y (x,y complex).
[edit] Mathematical Problems
Here are a number of simple mathematical problems you might like to try your hand at:
1) Jane is at the height of an arbitrary constant 
.
Jane is shorter than Willsy but taller than Lord Havilland.
Lord Havilland is taller than Amunra at a constant ratio of 
Amunra is shorter than Willsy except when standing on a footstool approximately 
the height of Lord Havilland.
If Willsy approaches the speed of light while travelling at an equidistance of 34 nautical miles from Lord Havilland, how tall is Jane if accounting for Red Shift?
2) Prove the Riemann Hypothesis.
3) Two trains leave Chicago at 38:00, 38:20, and 38:40 respectively. One travels east and another north. Most arrive elsewhere at some later time t. Assume a is your mother. Solve for t as a function of a, n, and x.
4) How many pounds of peanuts and filberts must be mixed to give a discount rate on markup of seventeen percent?
5) A farmer sells 2 bags of potatoes each of which contains 5 potatoes. That's 10 potatoes total. Write down "10" on a sheet of paper and circle it with a red pen. What is the radius of the circle?
6) If five hot girls have a sleepover does hot lesbian sex always occur? And can I watch?
7) Did I leave the gas on?
[edit] See also
- 1
- Glossary of mathematical terms
- Intelligent Math
- Mathematics is wrong
- 0.999...
- Proof
- The Quantity 2 plus 4 times y = Your Mom
- Mushrooms
- Binary Mathematics
- Surds
- Bodmas
- Rumsfeldian Mathematics
- Math
- Algebra
| Forces of the Universe |
| Gravity | Electricity | War | Mathematics | Sophia | The Flying Spaghetti Monster | Black Metal |
| MATH N' SHIT | |
| Numbers | Numbers · NUMB3RS · Roman numerals · Zero · 0.999... · 4/0 · 9/11 · More than one · Million · Sextillion · Eleventy billion · Pi · Evil Pi · Sigma · Infinity |
| Operators | Addition · = · An infinite number of monkeys with typewriters · Imaginary Number |
| Devices | Abacus · Slide rule · Calculator · Ti-83 · Texas Instruments |
| Theorems & Axioms | Theorem · All numbers are equal to zero(*) · ...but some are more equal than others · PI equals exactly three(*) · Fermat's Penultimate Theorem(*) · Fermat's Last Theorem · Cauchy's theorem · Trichotomy · Extreme Value Theorem(*) · Euclid's Axioms · Hilbert's Hotel · Hairy ball theorem |
| People | Alan Turing · Nerds · Asians · Mathematician · Mathemagician |
| Fields of Mathematics | |
| Quantity | Integer · Negative numbers · Negative Numbers · Irrational numbers · Complex numbers · Edible numbers(*) · Gay Numbers(*) · Fibonacci Sequence · Prime number · Odd |
| Structure | Binary Mathematics · Arithmetic · Pre-Algebra · Intermediate algebra · Alegebra · Al Gebra · Equation · Linear Algebra · Linear Algebra in nature · Boolean Logic · Polynomial |
| Space | Geometry · Bigonometry · Trigonometry · Sine · Fractal |
| Change | Calculus · Integral · Derivative · Vector calculus · Multivariable Calculus |
| Foundations and philosophy | Logic · Modal logic |
| Applied mathematics | Statistics · Random Statistics(*)· Game theory · Probability Theory · Generic Theory of Probably Something(*) · laws of physics |
| Other freaky math fields | Intelligent Math · Bush Math · Extreme mathematics · New Math · Newmath · Nude math · Rumsfeldian Mathematics · Silly math |
| unclassified links | Einstein's Malicious Theories · First numbers · Fourier Transform · Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia · How to Divide by Zero · HowTo:Divide by One · It doesn't matter what your answer is so long as you feel good about it math · Laplace transform · The largest number · Mathematics is wrong · Monty Hall problem · Nullity · Numerology · Oodles · Paradox (Achilles and the Tortoise) · Proof · Property of 5 · Recursive · Tangent · The Quantity 2 plus 4 times y = Your Mom · Transcendental curve |
| Glossary of mathematical terms | |
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