Arizona Cardinals
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“I've never actaully seen a Cardinals fan before, I've heard stories about them but I think they are just an urban legend...”
“They're a football team?”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Arizona Cardinals
“Thank God for the Arizona Cardinals!”
~ Detroit Lions fan
The Arizona Cardinals, though thought for years to be merely a myth, are, in fact, a professional football team in the NFL (prounounced NUF-luffa, as in that song by Journey), and have been since 210 B.C. The organization claims to be the "oldest NFL franchise," and nobody has ever called them on that claim, due to the fact that no one's old enough to remember, and if they were, they wouldn't care. If the Cardinals are known at all (which they aren't), they are known for the bright colors on their uniforms: Loser Red and Suck White.
Contents |
[edit] History
The history of the franchise is not quite clear. This could have something to due with the fact that the ownership group (the Bidwell family) is cheap, and in addition to not paying their players, doesn't hire adequate staff to keep track of "insignificant things like team history" (Ryan Bidwell, quoted Nov. 1903). The only thing known is that they've never been to a sushi bar. However, they have been to more than a few taco shops.
[edit] The Early Years
In the early years of the NFL (approx. 1900-1940) the Chicago Cardinals were a dominating force in the league, often finishing in the top five in the six-team league. They won the NFL Championship game in 1927 by a score of 15-6 over the crosstown rival Chicago Bears. It was rumored that the Cardinals players bribed the officials for the game with offers of free chalupas at Taco Bell (ironically, Taco Bell had not yet been invented). When the league expanded to twelve teams in 1932, the Cardinals were no longer the only team starting with a "C", which made them very unhappy.
[edit] The Post-Modern Era
The Cardinals dominance of the league dropped off in 1945, when the league added the three-point line and the 24-second shot clock. They won the WNBA title in 1947, defeating the Baltimore Colts in the title game by a score of 8008135-1337. There were no bribes of free chalupas for the [[referees] this time, however. In 1961, the Cardinals relocated to London, England. In the 70's, the Cardinals went from juggernaut to cupcake, crashing and burning like Chuck Yeager's plane should have.
[edit] The Modern Era
The modern times of the league have not been very kind to the Cardinals. Relocation to Arizona in 1986 has not helped their cause either. In the revamped 32-team NFL, the Cardinals have finished in the bottom half of the league 29 out of their 21 seasons in Arizona. Their only winning season came in 1998, when they went 1-47. (Winning, again, is defined by the fact that they actually did win a game.) (Though not by much.) The only truly noteworthy occurrence in this period was when a Cardinals running back was arrested for attempting to blow up the team's practice facility "in an effort to protect innocents from this."
[edit] The Cardinals Today
The franchise continues to go downhill, with no light at the end of the tunnel (which is rather unnerving when you consider the potential of being eaten by grues) for the poor franchise. Their slide into suckiness was promoted by Former Head Coach Denny Green's frantic and useless tirades, culminating in him claiming that, "The Bears are who we thought they were!" and, "We let 'em off the hook!"[1] The ownership is considering renaming their team to the Indianapolis Colts, out of sheer irony and generally just being a bunch of meanies.If the Cardinals do win the Superbowl, Hell is sure to freeze over. Don't worry Satan, this is sure not to happen.
[edit] References
