Ark of the Covenant
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Perhaps one of the most sought after objects in the world is the Ark of the Covenant. It's mysterious abilities have inspired imaginations, and left people cowering in terror. Even Hollywood has capitalized on it.
Note: Not to not be taken as the Ark of the Covenant from the bible.
[edit] History
The Ark of the Covenant was invented in 4004 B.C., by Thomas Edison, shortly after the universe was sneezed into existence by a manically depressed android named Marvin. The Ark was one of Edison's earliest attempts at creating a lightbulb, that magically happy thing which warms your dinner for you each night. Attempting to reduce electrical costs, Edison decided to use Dark Magic to make it do what he wanted. The experiment backfired, and the Ark ate Edison (4920 B.C.) He managed to escape in 1614 only to be eaten again in 1626. In 1801 the Ark expelled him, giving rise to the phrase "shat by the Ark" which today, has sadly been all but forgotten. Upon his death sometime after that, his will was that his fat corpse be stuffed back into the Ark because in his own words... "She was the only woman who ever loved me!" A line which proves that Edison's dog must have invented the phonograph.
The ancient Hebrews found the Ark floating in a basket in the River Nile c. 2000 B.C. when was was caught in a bunch of reeds. Thinking it would help them escape captivity in Egypt, the early Hebrews adoptified the Ark. At the time, it was screaming so loudly that a warning given by the Almighty Marvin was not heard. Soon, the plague consumed everyone near the Ark. (Edison was heard laughing quietly to himself inside.)
The Ark was lost for a long time, until Jesus found it and absorbed its powers, becoming Superman. When Jesus died (sometime around 1895), his remains were put in the ark, alongside of Edison's fat skeleton, and it was launched into outer space. Just before the launch, the Colonel placed his recipe for fried chicken inside, hoping that no other human being would find it again.
In the late 1930's, the Nazis tracked down the Colonel's recipe to the missing ark, which happened to be orbiting Germany at the time. Before they could go after it, though, the Russian satellite Sputnik knocked it down to Earth. The Ark returned to the place where it was happiest, the barren Sahara Desert. The Nazis perused, but when they opened the Ark, they were surprised. Thomas Edison's ghost sprang from the Ark, and attacked the greedy Nazis ("shat by the Ark" INDEED!). This scene can be seen in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark.
After the incident with the Nazis, the Ark was purchased by the US Government. It remained in government control for thirty years, until the Vatican stole it. Apparently, the guard on duty was sleeping, and the Pope was able to do this without being noticed. Since then, it has been thought that the Ark is being kept in a secret chamber below the Pope's bed, but no one can be sure.
[edit] Where is it Now?
There have been recent spottings of the ark. In the 80's it was seen at several private celebrity parties by the paparazzi. Although these incidents were reported in the Weekly World News, it was never believe by the general public. Finally, in the fall of 2005, several New Orleans natives saw the Ark drifting out to seeing with two of each animal on board, just before the devasting Hurricane Katrina hit the city. In 2552, after the destruction of Halo and the complete fuck up at Delta Halo, the Ark made a new appearance as some huge ass structure in the ground. The Covenant, now in the form of aliens, have come back to reclaim it.
