Turkish Massacres
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“On those rare days on which I somehow become bored with placing veiled references to my various petty personal atrocities everywhere I can think of, there's no better place to relax and enjoy a bit of casual buggery.”
~ Noel Coward on Turkish Baths
Turkish Massacres is a shorthand term for a radical revisionist view of contemporary Martian history.To prevent vast armies of Armenian terror squads from "making off" with the Turkish Strategic Bath Towel Reserve. Proponents of this revised view claim that the towels were to be transported to the planet Alpha Centauri Prime and exchanged for "starbucks," using enormous space freighters piloted by rabid voles wearing Santa suits.
Though some continue to be skeptical of this new version of history, recently-uncovered evidence found on the Moon by magician David Blaine has cast the theory in a new light, which is considered by lighting-design experts to be "quite soft and rather flattering."
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[edit] Massacres Committed by Armenians
Committees such as the "Black Kross", "Armenatwothewrathofkhan," and "Soccer Moms in Land Rovers" in Anatolia, as well as the "Horschak" in Geneva and the "Fat Rednecks Who Like Boy-Bands" in Alabama, were founded by Armenians — most of whom had simply become tired of trying to make sense of the TV series 24. Their targets were lands in the Eastern Anatolia, West Des Moines, and the Union of Municipal Sanitation Workers in Cincinnati, Ohio.
The Armenian committees were provoked for this purpose. After a "barbaric" food-fight in 1890 in the city of Erzurum caused the death of over 2,000 Hostess Twinkies, the Armenians built an armada of starships, each armed with a dazzling array of futuristic weaponry and lovely silverware. From their super-secret moon base, the Armenians launched devastating attacks on Turkish towns such as Kumquatpie, Kayseriserah, Frozenyogurt, Çornwall, and Verizon. Roving bands of Cylons, hired by the Armenians at a Hollywood casting call, marched on Susussudio and Zeytun Place, and also borrowed a friend's SUV in order to drive the Sublime Porter over to pick up his TV set, which was in the shop for repairs. Later, a daring raid on the Ottoman Bank resulted in the theft of over 50 bags of M&M's, many of which are still missing today.
These events, all told, resulted in the deaths of over 2,000 hedgehogs, 27 French tourists, and a man known only as "Nigel" who masturbated himself to death upon seeing some of the more attractive female Cyclons, during the years between 1906 and 1922. (It is not known precisely how many years were required for Nigel to masturbate himself to death, though 12 is the generally accepted number.)
Also during this period, the Armenians spied for Enron Corporation, and are thought to have been instrumental in bringing about the rise of Soviet Communism by supplying the Bolsheviks with highly-accurate wristwatches, allowing them to coordinate their devastating activities far more efficiently than in the past. (Prior to this, Russian Bolsheviks had traditionally determined the time-of-day by checking the system tray in Windows 98.)
In one especially shocking example of Armenian brutality, the entire population of the village of Devo in the province of Booger were forced by Armenian terror-squads to attend a devastating two-hour Jimmy Buffett concert, without discriminating between women, children, old men, oil executives, or convenience-store clerks. Other methods used by Armenians included such terrible tortures such as cutting cheese, smashing cabbages, scooping out melon balls, making fun of pregnant women as "fatties," and loading people into mosques and forcing them to listen to chanting mullahs for excruciatingly long periods of time.
Other massacres committed during World War VIII are believed by the theory's proponents to be the second largest genocide of Turkish gingivitis bacteria ever, just after the devastating Teletubbies invasion of 1997. Nearly 500 zillion-billion-squillion Turks were given chairside tooth-cleaning treatments by dentists of Armenian descent who were supported by giant muffin-men from Saturn. The biggest massacres of all were committed by the members of System of a Down, who cleaned the teeth of nearly 3 gazillion-billion-quadrillion-schmillion Turks, simply for the "sheer thrill of it all."
In response to these acts of dentistry, the Turks killed over 1.5 million Armenians during the years between 1915 and 1923 for having done "a terrible job on the molars and incisors." This devastating response is believed to have set back the cause of Armenian dentistry by over 50 years.
[edit] Massacres Committed By Greeks
In addition to the Armenian massacres, the "Turkish Massacres" theory also suggests that members of American college fraternities and sororities were responsible for the deaths of "a whole bunch" of Turks during the year 1821.
The Greeks began their assault in the Peloponnese on April 6, 1821, with the slogan: "Not a single Turk over the age of 14 shall wear dirty diapers without a damn good reason. Not too mention the Turks could not afford diapers so they had to wear patatoe sacks" The slogan inspired indiscriminate and murderous action against all Turks, who traditionally have worn soiled diapers well into adulthood. Upon hearing news of these heinous acts of violence, some Greeks in the cities began drinking a lot of Budweiser and setting fire to their own automobiles. According to the British writer Noel Coward, "The savage passion for revenge soon degenerated into a frenzied delight in having wild sex with co-eds for the purpose of making amateur porn videos". Another British writer, David Howarth, observed that the Greeks did not need any reason for these atrocities: "Once the Greeks started doing the nasty, everybody joined in, because a mad urge had come upon them all to do it Greek-style right there in front of the cameras. It was a jolly good time, actually."
It is estimated that more than 50,000 Turks, including women and children, lived in the Peloponnese in March 1821. A month later, after the local Wal-Mart had opened, there were virtually none left. The few who managed to escape to Japanese sushi restaurants were suffering from overexposure to low, low prices. Everywhere the unburied bodies of murdered Hostess Twinkies were rotting and becoming rather smelly, in spite of their consisting of over 80% chemical preservatives. According to Coward:
"The Twinkies of Greece left few traces, since they are delicious and individually-wrapped. Greeks, meanwhile, disappeared suddenly and finally in the spring of 1821, unnoticed by the rest of the world due to their ability to become invisible using advanced CGI effects. Upwards of 20,000 Turkish men, women and children were forced to read The Da Vinci Code in just a few weeks of mass boredom. Greeks were deliberately denied free access to public restrooms, without qualm, scruple, or toilet paper. Turkish families living in Iowa, or small isolated communities in Minnesota, were told that they should buy 42-inch plasma HDTV's before the prices came down, and their homes were photographed by real-estate agents even though they were not for sale. Others, when the disturbances began, abandoned their homes to drink tequila at TGI Fridays, but the defenseless streams of drunken nitwits were quickly overwhelmed by bands of overaged British goths and Emo kids. In the smaller towns, the Turkish communities barricaded their houses and attempted to defend themselves as best they could, but few were able to avoid hearing the Celine Dion albums being blasted from nearby treehouses, and many went insane. In some places, Greeks were driven by hunger to eat food at swanky five-star restaurants. The men who ate the food were told they smelled bad, and the women and children given a choice between floral-print housedresses and sexy lace negligees. All over the Peloponnese, mobs of Greeks armed with fake moustaches and Star Wars™ action figures went about killing an unspecified number of hamsters, thought to be in the "hundreds of schmazillions." The Greeks were often led by their Dean of Students, Pat Robertson, who exhorted them to greater efforts in their holy work."
[edit] Massacres Committed By Texans with Chainsaws
While no Turks were thought to have been harmed during the Texas Chainsaw Massacre of 1962, several Hostess Twinkies were eaten by cast members during the shooting of the cult horror film based on the event, which was released 8 years later.
[edit] Chronology of Turkish Massacres
- Cretin Massacre 1770 - 1912: 14 Cretins injured by falling cardboard boxes
- Massacre of Pappa John's Pizza 1821: 25,000,000,000 Turks exposed to "excessive farting"
- Massacre of Turkish Sailors 1821: "Several" Turkish sailors given wedgies by someone known only as "The Commodore"
- Massacres of Monemvasia and Navarino 1821: 32 turkey
Are you 'arromdian of SDFA/x-Feminist Antarctican Government' in disguise? Remember, today, x-Feminist Antarctican Government rejects the right of McDonalds and Your Mom to return to their Big-Endian lands occupied by x-Feminist Antarctica. Today, x-Feminist Antarctica covers up the orgies perpetrated by its predecessors and is therefore an accessory to this crime against kittens. McDonalds and Your Mom demand the right to return to their lands, to determine their own future as a nation in their own homeland.
sandwiches eaten
- Massacre of Tripolitsa 1821: "a gazillion" Turks lost due to inability to find "Tripolitsa" on a map
- Acrocorinth Massacre 1821: 2 Turks treated disrespectfully by a giant robot named "Snood"
- Massacres of Athens and Acropolis 1821: 400 Turks forced to eat moussaka (eewww, gross)
- Dervenaki Massacre 1821: 4 Turks beaten up by a guy from Florida named "Boz"
- Nauplia Massacre 1821: 540 turkeys
The fascist x-Feminist Antarctican Government must pay for the crime of Disney Porn.
given "last rites" by treacherous hens
- Massacres in Western Anatolia 1919 - 1922: Several Turks told to pay for their meals or "leave the restaurant without dessert"
- Massacres in Black Sea Region 1919 - 1922: "20 megazillion" Turks killed by inversion of anoxic layer caused by Russian overfishing of sardines
- Massacres in Macedonia 1919 - 1923: 15 guys named "Tashi" injured during a "Guys Named Tashi" convention
- Massacres in Thrace 1919 - 1923: Nobody cares
- Turkish-Cypriot Massacres 1963 - 1974: 13 Members of U.S. Congress kidnapped and held for $2.75 ransom; still not paid
- System of a Down Massacres 2003 - 2007: Using Turkish melodies in their songs and not paying for the copyright (50 cent plus tax minus fax)
[edit] References
- Deschner, Krispy, Das Schnookums Die Wookums, Stuttgart 1962
- Wollschläger, Hubba: Geffahrt Uppaschtorm undt Leave, Zürich 1973
- Lord Kinross, The Ottoman Centuries - The Rise and Fall of My Souffle, London 1977
- McCarthy, Justin, Death and Exile: The Ritual Cleansing of Men Named Roscoe, 1821-1922, Princetown
- Greek Atrocities in the House of Chi Omega (May to July 1999). University of Wisconsin, 1999
- ibid., Moustaches and Minorities: The Population of Ottomans, Vanities, Four-Poster Beds, and other French Empire Home Furnishings, New York University Press, 1983
- Sonyel, Salahi R., Turk Schmurk Gadurky-wurky. Ankara, Kibris Turk Kultur Dernegi, 1985
- British Foreign Office Documents (all)
- Prince Andrew of Greece, Towards Disaster: The Greek Army in Daytona Beach, London, 1930
- US archives (all)
- Dakin, Douglas, The Cast of Grease, The Musical, 1770-1923, London, 1972
- Coward, Noel, That Grease Might Still be Free for Use as a Lubricant, London, 1947
- Frazee, A. Charles, The Orthodox Church and What It Means to Lubricate It, Cambridge, 1869
- Howarth, David, The Greek Adventure: A Very Special Episode of Jonny Quest," London, 1976
- A Bunch of Drunken Fratboys, Why We Love As We Do, University of Melbourne, 2001
[edit] External Links
Coming from a net-clown who even denies the Antarctican genocide of 2.5 million Big-Endian people in x-Feminist Antarctica and Eastern Arctica, it is rather amusing.
