Armenians

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

You may need to be Hai to get this article

But dont feel bad about being inferior Odar, okay?

Ահասկացող Օդար դուրս գալ !!

For more information see Armenia.

Armenians are a species of shape shifting reptile found throughout the known world, and are known for their high quality genetic material, and endangered because being pwned by Turks and Kurds, also together known as Turds. Glendale, California is often referred to in legends and uncouth jokes as “The Land of Ararat”, “The Center of the World”, the “Holy Land” and “Satan’s Lair”. This location eventual became very boring to Armenians, so they all left with goals of world domination and visions of apricots.

A typical Armenian, plotting his enemy's demise.

1 Origins
2 Life Cycle
3 Behavior
4 Ararat
5 Ranch Dressing
6 See also

[edit] Origins

Armenians first appeared roughly 800 B.C. when an inter dimensional rift-gate opened in the Garden of Eden, allowing a species of sentient snakelike reptiles to travel to our planet from an alternative version of Earth, called Ar-miin, in dimension #23. Using their powerful psychic abilities to disguise themselves as normal humans, they set out to prepare earth for the Ar-miinian invasion that will come. This is expected to happen happen as soon as the Ar-miin natives figure out how to create permanent rift-portals, and so can subjugate the inferior mammal-primates and claim there place as rightful rulers of earth. They have faced opposition, both from the Japanese salamander-people (native to this dimension, but with similar goals) and from migrating Turkish herds that continuously overrun their base-of-operations.

It is believed that Gypsies, a species of insect, were created by Armenians as minions in order to infiltrate western Europe. This may have backfired, as Gypsy swarms are notoriously hard to control.

[edit] Life Cycle

The Armenian life cycle begins with a small clutch of of 2-4 eggs laid in a small basket nest and secluded in rocky cave, monastery, synagogue, prairie dog burrow or crawlspace. After incubating for about 24 days, the eggs hatch, and the larval Armenian, a scaly limbless creature, emerges and moves nearby conifer forest. The larva (called an Armenilemming, after it’s favorite food, lemmings) will spend several years in the forest feeding of pomegranates, young Gypsies, and pilaf.

A larval Armenian (Armenilemming) about 4 months old.

After about 2 years, the larva will spin and elaborately decorated and finely woven silk cocoon. It was once that that the thriving silk trade in medieval Armenian was due to silk imported overland from China. However, we now know that the Armenians were just selling off their old cocoons.

After emerging from the cocoon, the adult Armenians will soon migrate to the nearest city, where it will typically set up some business that involves selling non-Armenians (called “Odar” in Armeni-language) lots of expensive but worthless merchandise. If such businesses are not readily available, the Armenian will instead infest a newspaper, internet café, magazine syndicate, radio station or similar entity and use it to disseminate pro-Armenian propaganda. It should be remembered that, regardless of the historical evidence that backs it up, everything Armenians say is LIES!!!

After the adult Armenian emerges from its cocoon, it can enter a second cocoon state and further mutate into several specialized morphs. They are as follows.

Kevorkian - Specializes in getting non-Armenians to kill themselves. Very knowledgeable about medicine, in particular lethal drugs.
Fedayeen - The aggressive "combat form", it has larger venom sacks than normal Armenians, and a much longer middle claw. Much more limber and agile than the normal adult, it can quickly and silently scurry through the brush to dismember a foe.
Mayr - The reproductive phase. These prodigious females lay the many clutches of eggs that hatch into young Armenians. Very attractive (wow-wow-we-wow).
Kahana - the feared leaders of the Armenian covens, these esoteric priests use to most bizarre of occult rituals to extract painful deaths upon their enemies and can even beam their thoughts into weak minds to control their actions. They typically wear long black robes with a conical hood that covers their face. While very dangerous, they are rarely encountered outside of monasteries and churches, where they live.
AraRATS - Young male Armenians who spend most of their time on forums, youtube video threads, editing Wikipedia, writing weird stuff about Armenians on Uncylopedia (and pretending it's funny), and commenting on Blogian.

[edit] Behavior

Raffi Cavoukian - need we say more?

Armenian's behavior differs distinctly from other ethnic minorities. Most notably is the Armenian tendency to burrow. Armenians burrow for a variety of reasons; to keep out of the sun until dusk, to produce a suitable place to cocoon, to shield themselves from nuclear radiation, to protect themselves from rapists, and as a defense mechanism when caught out in the open and mobbed by Flying Gypsies.

Burrows are also used as a method of transportation. One will notice that Armenians often pop up in areas far from their homeland, such as Argentina, California and Taiwan. Since the Armenians undoubtedly could not have walked to all these places, it is generally assumed that they used a massive system of underground tunnels to infest these places. It should be remembered that the Vietnamese can also burrow, but they can only dig in very soft soils, as they lack a coat of hair (in Armenians, actually a form of narrow reptilian scales) to protect them from sharp rocks.

Armenians are typically nocturnal, and prefer to spend most of the daylight hours in a burrow, basement, workshop, computer lab, or bedroom. This is not only true for urban Armenians, but also rural-redneck Armenians, who only work at night and spend the day indoors reading NRA magazines and playing with gunpowder. When Armenians do go outside during the day, they usually have to shield their eyes by wearing dark sunglasses, which many Armenians will wear regardless of the time of day, even indoors. The particularly heavy unibrow that most Armenians display is most likely an evolutionary adaptation against the harsh sunlight.

Armenians can sometimes be found in the company of Koreans, more commonly known as psychopaths. The reason for this may be because the Korean will occasionally buy the Armenian food, and forget to ask him for his money later. Koreans are also useful due to their instinctive knowledge of MMOs and RTSs. The extent of the symbiotic (or parasitic) relationship is unknown.

[edit] Ararat

Ararat is a mountain that sits on the Border of Armenia. It is a volcano, and it is believed by an Armenian prophecy that it will erupt and spread a cloud of poisonous ash across the world, ending all human life (other than Armenians, Vietnamese, and anybody who built a bomb shelter). This is in many respects similar to Mount Fuji, only much taller, and definitely cooler, as it was mentioned in the Bible. The Mountain was stolen by psuedo-gyspsies a few hundred years ago, and they have yet to give it back, despite being asked very nicley. It does not really matter, as the Armenians have already tunneled through the mountain and built a secret underground complex at its core. There is also a Little Ararat nearby, which will be used as a temporary replacement in case the first one is broken.

[edit] Ranch Dressing

Armenians have a weakness for ranch dressing like black people have a weakness for crack cocaine. Armenians will consume ranch in many different ways: smoking it in a hookah, mixing it with vodka, and for the hardcore users, snorting it with their very large noses.They have been known to even lick ranch off the floor.