Arnold Schwarzenegger

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The Arnold Schwarzenegger(Blacknigger)
"You're a little Gurly Man!"
Nationality	Austria, USA, Alpha Centauri
Gender	Half man, half machine
Occupation	Prehzidunt of Kahllifornia
Preceded by	Cheech Marin
Succeeded by	Himself (He kept coming back	)
Car	Skoda Chodemobile
Mother	Xena: The Warrior Princess (or Armele Schwarzenegger)
Father	Adolf (Sc)Hitler (or Hercules, we shall never know	)

Arnold Schwarzenegger (Pronounced "AWWWLLL-NULLD SWATSTIKANEGGER") is a cybernetic overlord sent from Alpha Centauri to conquer Earth and subjugate the human population. However, over time he was corrupted by money, women, politics, and huge pectoral muscles. His strange looks and speech impediment led to him being offered starring roles in several films. Arnold is also the first Governator of Kahleefohnia who is proud of his dad being an SS exterminator of Jews.

One theory is that Arnold was concieved as a test tube baby by two black men on the plains of Nigeria (two blocks down from Barrack Obama) as told by his name, Schwarz and nigger. Although many white men would prefer to disagree with this story.

For many years, the ambition/power subroutines of the Arnold Schwarzenegger were satisfied by the adulation of moviegoers and bodybuilding fan boys (which it often lured to its home in order to introduce them to Michael Jackson and 'veiny' - its erect penis) .

As time went on, however, much of its programming became corrupted by the Conservative.Repub.32.exe virus, and well as being at the top of the ****ING LEGEND list, the Arnold Schwarzenegger has since become Reichführer of California in an attempt to reboot its original overlord mission. It is never to be confused with the fool who stole its name, Hey Arnold.

Biography

Origins

This partial systems diagram of the Schwarzenegger cyberbaby was recovered from the wreckage of the spaceship

The Arnold Schwarzenegger as a young boy, before its nanite colony had perfected its human appearance.

In 1947, Yurp was rebuilding from the devastating Clone Wars, which had left its infrastructure in rubble. The most respected scientist of her day and age, Carmen Sandiego, was leading the massive rebuilding campaign. Her inspiring personality and efforts received international praise, but all was not as well as it seemed.

Although the nation was getting into shape once again, a horrific new threat--a sinister robot death machine known only as T{im^Rob_bins10.4.1--arose to annihilate the Yurpers. After a long war, Carmen Sandiego, now insane on every level but clinical, began constructing a cyborg that would defeat the threat. Unfortunately, she miscalculated on several occasions, resulting in a catastrophic explosion which killed Carmen Sandiego and, purely by accident, fused the cyborg and T{im^Rob_bins10.4.1 into a terrifying new young cyborg, dubbed the "Arnold Schwarzenegger" by the locals...before they were wiped out, that is.

Others claim that it was actually born on planet Ürk and abused as a child, along with other Ürk-people. This is not confirmed, however it is true that Jossy, the leader of the Ürk-people has recruited Arnold to be part of this evil organisation.

Childhood

The Schwarzenegger cyberbot contains an active colony of nanites programmed to emulate naturally occurring growth and bodily maintenance.

This was intended to allow it to develop from cyber-baby to "adulthood" in a manner that would not raise suspicion on Earth, but because the Overlord program was damaged (perhaps from the crash, or perhaps from internal conflicts caused by the faulty AI) the physically intimidating structure originally imagined by the Arnold Schwarzenegger's designers did not immediately develop. Sometime during his childhood, he started a fight with Chuck Norris which caused an explosion big enough that entire Austria collapsed.

Old farm machinery, shrapnel, unexploded ordinance, and the occasional farm animal were picked apart and utilized.. It was intentionally designed with large, steely nipples (for defensive purposes)

Adolescence

As a teenager, Arlond has always had trouble blending in with others.

As the Arnold Schwarzenegger aged, it realized that it required a more human appearance in order to achieve its objectives. Early efforts were crude, and the quest for an ever more-realistic appearance, combined with the rapid growth typical of humans at that stage of development, put a great deal of strain on the nanite colony.

Little Known Facts

Was dumped by Lila for Oddheaded boy by the same name. This caused its brain cells to drop and it became this guy you know today.

Has a fugly stalker named Helga G. Pataki who collected its feces for its shrine. She later contracted AIDS and died after she attempted to make out with shrine.

Arnold Moves To America

The Arnold Schwarzenegger running for governor of California, look, it's all ready for the gay bar."

In 1966, the Arnold Schwarzenegger discovered its vagina (or as Arnold like to call "ZA MYSTARY TANUL OOF DOOOM" and a cache of documents in a metallic canister stored in its parents' attic. These materials were removed from the wreckage of the ass before it was salvaged. They revealed that the original destination for the ship was North America and Arnold immediately made plans to emigrate to the United Shits of America. Some say his immigration was caused by his failed friendship with the notorious Rasmuscles from Bruxelles caused by a backally brawl between them. Whether its true or not Arnold has never bothered to comment.

Around this time, the nanite and Overlord programming finally synchronized, giving it the appearance of a young bodybuilder. It entered and won several bodybuilding competitions to raise the money needed for the move, and these actions once again raised hell with the Overlord program, which had now found an exceptionally easy way to obtain the praise and worship it required without all the pesky effort involved in conquering and ruling the world.

A miscalculation led to the spaceship crashing somewhere close to the European metropolis Svenstorp, but Arnold was committed to settle in America and therefore moved on, traveling across the Atlantic Ocean in a big boat called Titanic. Halfway there Arnold realized that it was going to land on the wrong side of the continent, which is why it sank the ship and sailed it under America, to pop up from nowhere and settle in what later would be California.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger again found its vagina and also found California to be an ideal location for its torture dungeon headquarters and the AI began work on an Actor subroutine. It quickly built a reputation for competence and soon became highly regarded in the industry and among fans, causing the Overlord programming to remain happy, satisfied, and dormant.

It shouldn't have used the electric razor

However, an unexpected problem arose during the filming of the hit documentary The Terminator. An accident on the set damaged the Arnold Schwarzenigger's face, revealing its metal substructure. Although it happened on a closed set, it was still witnessed by several hundred studio employees, exposing the actor as a cybernetic construction.

Panic broke out. Before the Actor Subroutine could recover, the Overlord Program kicked in, slaughtering several extras, crippling an assistant director and taking command of the set. Amazingly, the authoritative qualities of the Overlord Program did restore calm to the set. Work parties were assigned to clean up the mess, filming resumed of the documentary, and The Terminator proved to be a critical and box-office success. More importantly, however, the incident had brought the Overlord Program out of dormancy.

I will Terminate you

Special Skills

It is known that the Arnold Schwarzeneggger has certain ÜberMenschen capabilities, especially in handling with weapons. It claims that it learned those skills from its grandmother, who was commander of the SS Panzer Division Wiking. It invented complex tactics of strategic fighting, the so called "The More - The Better tactic", which consists of carrying as much weapons as possible - usually 2 tons of light infantry weapons, and around 3.5 tons of various explosives and RPGs. Some critics say it is just a Blitzkrieg rip-off, but the Schwarzenegger strongly denies.

Also, the Schwarzenegger is capable of firing as much bullets as needed, without reloading its weapon, all because he is a transformer. Some scientists think that it, actually, keeps farting after firing last round, thuss terrifying its enemies, who immediately surrender, often with serrious psycho-physical consequences. Since the beginning of its ÜberCareer, it refuses using of sights or any aiming mechanism on guns, reffering to it as a "dishonorable way to fight".

Political Ambitions

First Time Being High..

The Schwarzenegger triumphantly enters Sacramento

At about this time, the Arnold Schwarzenegger began to take an interest in politics. It tried (with limited success) to refrain from making the typically idiotic political comments usually spewed by entertainers while taking an interest in politically-connected "public service" campaigns carefully selected to introduce it to political powerbrokers without seeming too threatening. Infected with the Conservative.Repub.32.exe virus, the Arnold Schwarzenegger joined the Republican Party. In 2003, with the Overlord Program thoroughly corrupted by Conservative.Repub.32.exe, the Schwarzenegger seized control of the California governorship. Thousands of Californians lined the streets to worship it as its motorcade rolled into Sacramento with former governor Grey Davis' head impaled on a long pike leading the way.

Arnold has no intersts in nazism, no interests at all...

It did not become the Governator. However, it is now known as the Führer und Reichskanzler des Großkalifornischen Reiches .

Currently, Arnold is looking to make several key changes in the governmental policies in California, namely:

Replacing the current congressional system with a legislative mainframe, enabling robots to download legislation and skipping over the time-consuming process of democracy.
Freeing all the young cookies. And then munching them.
Replacing school teachers with robots.
Replacing robots with school teachers.
Implementing a supreme state-wide law enforcement agency known as SkyNet, promising zero fatality rate.
Es ist kein Syberborg (nicht). - It is not a cyborg.
It is NOT a creel-maker living in Kirkwall on Orkney. OK?
There are no special interests in Sacramento

Recently, almighty henchman, Big Arnie was given a position in fascist dictator monthly, But because it ranked lower than Franco it was driven into a mad bloodlust. It sent Hello Kittie, John Wayne, Peter Griffin, Alyssa Milano & the world's other supreme crime fighters to have a picnic in its home town of... Hitlersville. While the world's ancient protectors where occupied & arguing about who forgot the egg salad, the Schwarzenegger punched a shore off the coast of Bali, causing the boxing day tsunami.

Films and contoversy

Arnie’s stange looks and speech impediment which he loving refers to as his ‘Austrian accent’ led to him being offered roles in several films. ‘People always love the not so normal’ said his former agent, ‘the freakshow ain’t never gone away, it’s just turned into the big screen’. Schwarzenegger became a well known figure across the world playing everything from robots to steroid addicts. He has won several Oscars and an MTV lifetime acheivment award. Al Pacino said of him, ‘some people act, and some people are. When Arn steps onto set he has a presence, and when the camera’s begin to role, Arn aint there anymore, it’s whoever it is he’s meant to be. I’d love to be alve to that, but it a skill that only comes along once or twice a generation.

Schwarzenegger caused contoveresy in 1990 when he played a paedophile posing as a teacher in Kindergarten Cop Off. To date, this has been seen as not just Arnie’s most controversial films, but one of the most controversial films of all time. The Queen of England was so disgusted by the films content that she sent a letter to all the major cinema outlets, begging them not to show the film. Womans rights, and childrens groups blockaded the premier to try and stop Arnold and the other stars being able to see the film. Schwarzenegger reacted angrily and several of the protesters were left with broken ribs, jaws and bleeding noses and eyes before police were able to subdue him. The press coverage of the protests and of Arnold’s attack only made the film more famous and it went on to become Arnold’s most succesful film of all time, grossing around $300million dollars and knocking ET of the top spot, for ‘most disturbing film of all time’.

Lynx who had been sponsoring the film were incensed when they were informed of the content, and shareholders demanded all references to Lynx had to be removed. A five minuite segment had to be cut in which Schwarzenegger sprayed himself with Lynx to attract the attentions of several of the young girls.

Presidency

Dead Kennedys

Jack Kennedy

Live Kennedys

Anti-Kennedys

see main article: Arnold Schwarzenegger's Presidential Run

"Girly Man" Controversy

Early in its political career, the Schwarzenegger was sandbagged during a magazine interview into calling its wife, Maria Shriver, a "Girly Man". Up to this point, no one in the state of California had realized that Ms Shriver was, in fact, a transvestite. Upon further reflection of the govenor's gaffe, Democratic columnists quickly realized the logic of the situation since his wife is a former member of the Kennedy clan. Far from hurting his political ambitions, the revelations added 20 points to the Schwarzenegger's approval rating since Californians are obviously into that sort of sick thing. It's where the fags go.

Famous Quotes

The Arnold Schwarzenegger in its car form.

“Ruuuuuuuun!!!!!!!!! Gooooooo!!!! Get to the choppah!!!!”

~ Arnold on the choppah

“I'm not crazy, I'm going to MAAAHZ!!!”

~ Arnold on Mars

“...sleeping next to, Sharon Stooohne.”

~ Arnold lamenting on his favorite acting moments in Total Recall(1990)

“My relationship to power and authority is that I'm all for it. People need somebody to watch over them. Ninety-five percent of the people in the world need to be told what to do and how to behave.”

~ a 1990 interview with U.S. News

“GET DOOOOOWWWWgggN!!!”

~ general statement by Arnold at the 2003 U.S. conference press speech

“Buy my pizza, or I will staepel it too yoa ahhrm!”

~ Young Arnold selling pizza

“Maybe I give you good pizza, maybe I break off yoa ahhrm!”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on his younger years as a pizza boy

“Would you like to see my basement, kiddie?”

~ The Goonies (1985)

“I saw this toilet bowl. How many times do you get away with this, to take a woman, grab her upside down, and bury her face in a toilet bowl!? I wanted to have something floating there ... The thing is, you can do it, because in the end, I didn't do it to a woman, she's a machine!”

~ Arnold on drowning women in a toilet bowl

“Remember when I said I'd kill you last? I LIED.”

~ Schindler's List (1993)

“After watching the mulatas shake it, I could absolutely understand why Brazil is totally devoted to my favourite bodypart: the ass.”

~ Carnival in Rio (1983)

“...I hope you leave enough room for my fist, because I'm gonna ram it into your stomach and break your Goddammmed spine!!!! Arrrrrgh!!!”

~ The Running Man (1988)

“My CPU is a Neural Net processor - a learning computer.”

~ Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

“I Will Crush You.”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on 2004 Governatorial Campaign Slogan and, incidentally, Life Motto

“Hey, I bet you didn't know my last name means black nigger, did you now? See, how can I be racist with a name like that?”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on minorities

“For the last time...Its Not A Tomer!!!”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on responding California after the hailstorm of rape charges

“I believe you but my shotgun don't.”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on to a Californian who assured it it had its vote

“Fuck you, asshole.”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on being congratulated on its Governorship by George W Bush

“I would believe you if I weren't a gay-bot”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on being told it had won the election for Governor of California

“Hasta la vista baby.”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on When shooting a Mexican baby trying to cross the border

“Well, I've got news for you. You are mine now! You belong to me!”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on to the Californian people after winning the election

“My hourse is gettin' tired!”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on arriving in the USA from Austria

“See you ad da paaaaarty, Richter!”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on inviting a friend to a party

“Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well. For it's the chilling sound of your doom.”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on introducing itself to Sylvester Stallone

“Who is your daddy and what does he do?”

~ 'Arnold Schwarzenegger on being a Kindengarten Cop'

“I was elected to lead, not to read.”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger

“My left arm is weak.”

~ 'Arnold Schwarzenegger on being a Commando'

“VICTORY IS TOO VEAK A WORD!! I prefer the term CRUSHINSMITTZEN!”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on his victory and beginning his second term of office

“All of the oranges and such other things freezing is a very bad thing. Jah very bad.”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on only thing said as he was walking through the orange grove after big citrus shortage

“I'll be back.”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Eeuauaughhhuauaahhlawlluululelellollawll.”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on his inaugeral address

“Your clothes, give zem to me, now.”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on being naked

“I need your clothes, your boots und your motocycle.”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on being naked and bikeless

“Why?”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on being told it's wrong to kill people

“I do love bodybuilders, but you'll never see me do the snatch. Clean and jerk, perhaps?”

~ Noel Coward on the Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Do you eat other people's lunches? STOP IT!”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on the issue of obesity

“You're fired!”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on some guy stuck on the missile head of his F-16

“You have been targeted for termination!”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on on people who didn't vote for him

“I'll be back!”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on re-election

“Kyotoh-Protohcohl? I will destroy it!”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on the Kyoto-protocol

“Not that anyone was paying attention to what Arnold Schwarzenegger was saying but it was a killer to see him say "Kyotoh-Protohcohl"!”

~ David Letterman on Arnold Schwarzenegger

“You haff been tah-geted for tuh-mination!”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on David Letterman

“Tough crowd, eh??”

~ David Letterman's last words before being terminated

“You haff been tuh-minated!”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on terminating David Letterman

“Who said you could eat my cookies!!!”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on shouting at stupid children

“The irony won't be lasting on you president Schwarzenegger, I'm from the future and I'm here to stop you from destroying the world!”

~ Comedian Frankie Boyle on on Arnold Schwarzenegger

He likes fame and glory

Filmography

The Schwarzenegger has excellent diction.

I've Got Big ****in' Muscles (1970)...Left Pectoral (Uncredited)
****in' 'Ell M'lud, My Muscles 'Av Got Bigger...Half of left Pectoral (Uncredited)
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1977)...Killer Carrot #3
Cactus Jack (1979)...The One Big Mean Critter
Mad Max (1979-1980)...The guy who must not compromise territorial range
Cohen The Librarian (1982)..Cohen
Cohen The IRS Auditor (1984)...Cohen
The Robosexual Terminator (1984)...The Terminator
Red Heat (1988)...Capt. Ivan Tafokya, Russian State Police
Blue Cold (1988)...Capt. Pronin, Russian Cyborg, Ivan Tafokya's evil twin
The Humping Man (1988)...Ben Dover
Total Revolt (1990)...Douglas Queer
The Sexual Predator (1984) ... Hans the Hands/ The juggernaught
Kindergarten Cop Off (1990)...Lt. P. P. Tutcher
Terminator 2 - Judgment Day (1991)...The Terminator
Last Action Homo (1993)...LavenderMan/Seymour Butts
Ship Ahoy (1993)...Seaman Stains
The Monumental Erection (1994)...Rev. Thrustbone
Pumping Iron: Documentry on mining for Iron (1995) ...the narrarator
It's Not a Tumah! (1996) ...Itself
It's Still Not a Tumah! (1997) ...Itself, George W. Bush
I Swear, It's Not a Tumah! (1998) ...Itself, Steven Tyler
For the Last Bloody Time, It's Not a Tumah! (1998) ...Itself
Kindergarten Cop 2: Rise of the Tumah (1999) ...Itself, The Tumah, Itself again, Storm Trooper #17
The 6th Day (2000) (also known as Saturday)....Adahhhhham Gibsohn
Terminator 3D - The Machines Are Right In your ****ing Lap, I Swear!! (2002)...Rusty Boltz Jr. (The Terminator)
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)...The Terminator (again)
If I'm Not Me, Then Who The **** Am I? (2004)...Ruler Of The Known Universe
Little Tortilla Boy (2005)...Little Tortilla Boy
Robert's Rules of Order: The Movie (2005)...Robert
Terminator Pi: Band Camp (2005)...Shermanator/Itself
The Governator (2003)...The Governator
Little Tortilla Boy II: Run For The Border (2006)...Little Tortilla Boy/Senor Burrito/Itself
ArnoldSpeaks.com (2006)...Itself
Jingle All The Way ...The Terminator
Governator II: Arnold takes Texas (2007) ...The Governator
Governator III: Iraq vs. the Governator (2008) ...The Governator
Little Tortilla Boy 3: Rise Of The Taqueria Cartel (2009)...L.T.B. Systems Model 101-855
Terminator 4: Terminator vs. the Governator (2010) ...The Terminator/The Governator
Terminator 5: The Termination Of Jesus ( 0 ) ... The Terminator/Moses/Jesus's Buddy Tyree
Terminator 7: Terminator vs. the Arthritis (2027) ...The Arthritis
Little Tortilla Balboa (2030) ...Yo, Adrian. We did it!
Terminator 9 & 3/8: Terminator vs. God vs. Jack Black (1451) ...(WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?!)
Special ED. Cop (2005) ... Starring the Arnold Schwarzenegger and Gary Coleman.
Terminator 10.862: Terminator vs. Janet Jackon (5432 AD) ... you'll never guess who he played...
Sex For Beginners (The Sperminator)
Teaching For Beginners (The Learnanator)
The Terminator Baby: The Prequel (Baby Terminator)
Maybe i give you pizza, or maybe i break off your arm111 Arny in his younger years as a pizza boy.
The Grope-o-Bot Man (2000) ... Mr.Fila Boob
Romeo and Juliet 2: The Payback (Juliet)
The Arny Excersive Video (Himself)
Superman vs The Terminator (Superman and The Terminator) BTW, neither win, both killed by kryptonite landmine
The Terminator Junior (Papa Terminator)
The Terminator 1/2:The Tumah strikes back (Tumanator) ...