Ars Hill

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• Ars Hill is a hill in England.
• It is the home of the renowned Oscar Wilde.
• In fact, you might be interested to know that it is the highest hill in England.
• Its altitude is 998 feet high.
• That seems pretty small doesn't it? Let me tell you the story...

[edit] The name

The name is widely regarded as a bit of a joke. It was formerly called Queen Mary's Hill, after George III's devoted wife, but the name was changed when she was lynched (see below) because of the curious appearance of a funny-shaped bit of rock on the summit. Walkers often have fun trying to stand on top of 'The Ars', which is ten feet tall and very slippery. People who fall off on the east side plummet 1000 feet into the North Sea. Pushing people off is therefore a favourite pastime for the people of Newcastle.

There is a theory that the name was invented because the people of Newcastle were too thick to realise that it was a swear-word. This theory is, naturally, disputed by the people of Newcastle. (It is worth noting, that on occasions, they actually do defend it naturally!!)

[edit] History

England used to have quite its fair share of high ground, including the Cake District, Daftmoor, Eckmoor and the Penguin Mountains, but by the year 1793 the population of the country had grown so large (estimate 229 million) that action was clearly needed. Vast numbers of people were deported to Wales and Scotland, which were then separated from England to make sure the people didn't try to get back again.

There were still roughly 133 million people left, so King George III decided to buy a giant bulldozer off Germany for £23,000,000,000,000 pounds. This crippled the English economy, but was widely regarded as a good move.

The reckless King George then bulldozed the Penguin Mountains completely to the ground, leaving no trace. Most of the Daftmoor and Eckmoor areas were turned into emergency housing estates and the Cake District was, to put it in a nutshell, sunk. Beneath the waves. In his furious quest to house the people, the King bulldozed every bit of high ground he could find. He was about to head for Newcastle when...

...his wife murdered him with a cleaver. Quite nasty actually. And she went round and sold all the bulldozers back to Germany for a tenth of their original value. She was quickly lynched, but the damage had been done. The Newcastle Hills were not demolished, and Ars Hill has remained the highest point on the English island for 213 years.

[edit] Tourism

It is a popular pilgrimage site for rock-climbers and walkers, who find practically the only bits of rock and hill left in England there. If they stand on top of the 'Ars', they generally won't have to worry about hill-walking any more; shark evading will be more in their line.