Asshole
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Some people say that assholes are like opinions, which is categorically wrong. People wipe their assholes regularly, whereas opinions are clingy — more like little balls of shit stubbornly grasping that asscrack-hair, hiding in your nethers and invariably leaving streaks in your undies. Yep, opinions are dingleberries. Assholes are more like electrical outlets — you don't want to go sticking a fork in either one of them. Plus, some people do not have assholes. They are full of shit.
But you didn't come here to read about anatomy, because let's face it: if you don't know all about your amazing buttal orifice and its primary function by this point in time, then no amount of research can save you from your own flailing ineptitude and chronic constipation. Go explode somewhere else; we just cleaned this place up.
People are assholes. In fact, an online poll recently conducted by Sphincter.com found that ninety-seven percent of the world's population are assholes, shattering the Great Eighty-four Percent Shithead Record of 2001. But just what makes an asshole, and how can I become one, you ask? Well, it ain't all that exclusive of a club - recruiters are everywhere, membership is free, and there are absolutely no restrictions concerning age, height, gender, race, religion or sexual orientation. Assholes come in all shapes, sizes, and colours; the only constant is that they all stink. But if you really want to excel past the level of Asshatitude and rise to the pinnacle of Assholedom, then we'll play Virgil to your Dante Assholeghieri as you join us on our delightful journey through...The Annals of Assholes.
It is a well-known adage that not every asshole has a beer, but every beer has an asshole.
Contents |
[edit] Tiny Assholes, or Asshole Minor
Most of the world's assholes fall into this category, which places them firmly in the asshat section of the band. Sheep-people, keeping-up-with-the-Jonesers, slow-passing-lane drivers, weightlifters, meter maids, reality television contestants, incessant gossipers, everyone in the suburbs, eight-year-old boys with earrings, Paris Hilton, Fred Phelps, and dog show enthusiasts are all Asshole Minors, the hemorroids of assholes - only slightly irritating, and when they go away you can almost laugh at them. Uncyclopedia Assholes fall into this category. No, not you... we're, uh, talking about those other assholes. Ever wander onto a page expecting to find a little blast of humour, or at the very least a moderately intelligible sentence or two, perhaps a slight chuckle, only to discover this?
- An asshole is a human being (or, perhaps, a fruit/vegetable) who is largely disliked by those that surround him or her. Assholes thrive in any environment, and love to cause anger, annoyance, and other generally negative emotions in those around them. To the contrary of what most of them think, "asshole" is NOT an alternative lifestyle.
That's what used to be here until we came brandishing pickaxes and butane torches and enforced a curfew; the fifteen-year-olds scattered like cockroaches. Little. Asshole. Cockroaches.
[edit] The Rich English Speaking Malaysian Chinese Asshole
A wife whose husband cheats on her with thai brides, and the wife is a really assholic bitch who throws her weight around (literally) with her benz and loud talking to show her wealth off. Looks at your with a killer look if you have less money than she does and curses in chinese bad shit about you. Generally deserves to be tortured via slicing of her toes and fingers and ears.
[edit] The Asshole natural habitat
Everyday the Asshole is expanding in population. Once restricted to the gladiator ring and gay pride marches, they have now spread to suburbia, causing much disturbance. The only cure to kill an asshole is by ramming a red hot poker up the asshole's asshole. This is easier said than done since Congress passed a bill protecting the asshole from violent treatment. Why, you ask? It's simple. Congress has been overrun by assholes.
[edit] Stereotypical Arseholes, or Raceholes
This group takes the basic asshole formula and improves upon it with a hearty dose of xenophobia. Professor Manuel Fisseur of the Human Genome Project lucidly dubbed these people Melaninites. Throwing science at the wall to see if it would stick, they got distracted by NASCAR and just said, "Fuck it." The fact that all of humanity descended from Africa eludes these people as though it were an impossible concept, like basic table manners or the brushing of teeth. Too engaged littering the world with ignorant offspring and finding a suitable patch of dirt to park their Winnebagos, Raceholes drive enough of a wedge into civilization to rank above Asshole Lites. Don't get us wrong, we fully recognize that not any of the Raceholes are white, but all black people are the assholes.
[edit] The Archdukes of Assholes
This is the upper echelon, baby. The Assholerati, if you will. Here's where Club Asshole gets a bit more exclusive, and chances are that if you're not in it yet, you never will be. Here's a test to see if you could potentially gain membership: Pull up your sleeve and look at your forearm. Is it white? Good! If not, don't worry - there's still a chance for you yet, albeit a somewhat diminished one. This second part is the all-important factor: The Financial Aspect. Are you a multimillionaire? You are? Well congratulations, you have free reign over the entire planet! Go and destroy it in whatever way you see fit. Did you ever want to own a SUV that runs on baby seal blood? Ever dream of cutting down every tree in your town, en masse, and paving over everything to create a One World Mall and Parking Garage? Would you like to own a fifty-seven carat diamond brooch, even after you saw all those photographs of diamond-mining children with their arms lopped off? Really? Welcome home, asshole.
[edit] Grand Asster, Class "A" Hole
Here it is, the Crème d'Ass. You must be an extraordinary asshole to rumble the very heavens themselves, grifting millions of rubes for everything they've got to finance your flights of feces. Peddling outmoded paradigms like crack to schoolchildren, these televangelists, politicians, satanists, Presidents, Steve Ballmer, lottery officials, NBA All-Stars, Nintendo, Sheiks, corporate behemoths, cult leaders, Donald Trump and PBS are all in it for the money, but even more so for the tremendous power they wield, dividing and conquering, watching you swaying in their wind and drowning in their shit. Hey, that's just what they do. That's what makes them assholes, dicks, and losers. (But I love them anyway)
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