Arsenal
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Arse anal FC, are a Foreign Football team known to have the most beautiful bunch of Footballers to ever play the game. The club consistently finish in the top 4 of the league on account of their pure beautiful footballers. In fact they play "Wengerball", 962 passes per minute and every 6.3 hours a shot will be made, usually by samir Nasri or Kolo toure. Arsenal have not won a meaningful trophy for years. However, Arsenal is a different type of club. Rather than aim for trophies and winning matches, they judge success on the number of passes completed during a season. On that criteria, they have been the best team in the world for ten years running. In the summer of 2005, Arsenal turned down an offer of Kaka on a free transfer, due to the fact that he was too good looking, heterosexual, and had no French relatives.
The other chief businesses of Arsénalle FC are nurturing terrorists, the export of alcohol of the homosexual form; WKD.
During the construction of the Library, a horse accidentally fell into an open pit, where the foundations were being laid. It was not rescued but buried under the North Bank Stand. Its ghost can be seen at night urinating on the opposition manager's seat and this is why they stink so much. Unknown to many Arsénalle supporters is the fact that their legendary status, as the team who play the best football in the Premiership, is complete nonsense. In fact, the club stole the honour from Manchester United States in the early 15th Century, under the guidance of the walking dinosaur Jens Lehmann. United have tried to steal their rightful trophy back in the Ferguson years, but have failed miserably every time. The last attempt was cut short because Carlos Queiroz accidentally smashed a window at the Emishites Stadium and woke up baby Walcott, attempts to calm down the young striker were only made worse when Alex Ferguson showed his ugly red face to him.
Arsénalle now play at the 'immigrates' stadium, which holds up to 7892372893812 people, only 6 of the fans are english and a few dozen are from the planet Mars, it is believed that they base their team on their stadium name.
Despite not being French, it is well publicised that Osama Bin Laden is an Arsénalle fan, now I'm not saying there's anything wrong with Arsénalle; but when the biggest terrorist in the world supports you what does that say about you?
Arsénalle currently have a contract with a Mrs. Edna Jenkins of Hull. Freddie Ljungberg, Thierry Henry and several other players are paid millions to model her gloves. It is believed that they were brought for just 60p in a charity shop in a place not far from where you are.
Arsénalle are a top english team with many great french and spanish players. Wait i meant Arsenal are a great Spanish team who got lost on their way to the gay football league so ended up in England.
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[edit] Recent Form
However the fact that Arsenal are made up of French and African orphans, they should not be allowed to play in the "English" Premier league.Their recent Premiership form has suffered because of this and have one only one game out of their last six! In a recent UEFA Champions League tie with Liverpool FC, Arsénalle suffered a heavy 16-0 defeat at Anfield. Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger was increasingly irritated with the performance of his defensive line throughout the match. Wenger angrily substituted the entire back four and brought himself on to her vagina and humped it. The tactical change worked a charm, with Wenger's tits achieving a record 74 shots on goal. However, Liverpool's Leopard Tanks and machine gun shagged all the fans infantry were more than a match for his vicious attempts. Liverpool goalkeeper Rafa Benitez put in a man-of-the-match performance, with 74 saves and 15 goals. The 16th Liverpool goal was scored by the referee, who was sent off shortly afterwards for supposedly "teabagging" several defenders sucked on his dick like they just couldn't stop and he loved it.
In the 2084 Champions League, Arsenal found themselves pitted against D.C. United who made a shock appearance in a European cup. Well, United found themselves trailing 2-0 ... but the game was eventually abandoned due to nobody caring. Arsenal, not realizing it wasn't a real rule, accidentally allowed D.C. United to score another 34 goals by the end of the first half.
[edit] Will never be great Players
- 1 Manuel Almunia - Goalkeeper who cannot save anymore.
- 2 Abou Diaby - Vieira the second. Has long legs and longer odds of doing something useful. Son of an Indian shepperd
- 3 Bakary Sagna - Worst hairstyle ever. Some say he stole the idea from his daughter.
- 4 Cesc Fabregas - Best young midfielder in the 21st century. Groomed by Wenger.
- 5 Kolo Toure - Vice-Captain/Captain/First Mate/Captain's Mate of Arsenal's squad, and generally a very energetic guy who runs around a lot and has a big arse.
- 6 Phillipe Senderos - Switzerland's only criminal and generally a bit of a spanner. Thank God he's gone.
- 7 Tomas Rosicky - local rapist, named after a popular character in a well-known children's programme featuring the Fat Controller.
- 8 Samir Nasri - Has been seen coming out of Wenger's room night after night. NASRI BLAD!!!
- 9 Eduardo can score from tight angles but is injured by that damn taylor! looks like he shud be in planet of the apes. Now has 1.5 legs.
- 10 William Gallas useless merde, hope wenger violates him
- 11 Robin Van Skillz - World class injury prone rapist cunt
- 12 Carlos Vela- This young mehikan has talent, but no balls
- 14 Theo Walcott - draws on facial hair with a felt tip marker. 12 years old.
- 15 Denilson - Stupid name for a Brazilian. Whay isnt he called vererinho of something?
- 16 Aaron Ramsey - quite fond of sheep. No, no joke. His family has a farm and he herded sheep before becoming a footballer, yeah. They're good company actually, sheep I mean. Has nothing to do with the fact he's Welsh.
- 17. Emmanuel Eboue - Strange man with unknown origins who contributes nothing and yet still gets 97 games a season. Some say Wenger knows of his secret powers and uses him in case they are neeeded when the time is right. He only talks in sign language and is a huge admirer and regular visitor of 'Kamathipura', a red light district in Mumbai, India
- 18. Emmanuel Adebayor - Rumoured to be a 12 foot giant. Does he really exist? No-one knows...
[edit] Wengers Policies
That old man with a permanent frown, otherwise known as Arsène Wenger,sometimes known as Arse and Wanker, is known to have some strange methods of handling transfers and tactics. However, we have recently cracked the code on how Wenger decides on buying players for Arsénalle. The players must follow most, if not all of these following criteria
1. He must be from a country related to France
2. He must be shorter than Wenger
3. He must be able to make 450,985 passes in a minute.
4. He must weigh equivalent or less than Wengers weight divided by pi
5. He must NOT be older than Wengers age divided by pi
6. He must NOT be remotely close to the skill level of Thierry 'Lenny' Henry
7. He must NOT be from Britain, Guatemala, Canada or Uzbekistan, unforunately, this means Mrs. M Minhall cannot ever sign for Arsenal, also she is too old.
8. He must NOT be from any Premiership club
9. He must be faster than Wengers speed multiplied by the square of pi
10. He must have a funny name that can be manipulated into a verbal pun
11. He must be able to take candy from a Baby without a second thought.
12. He must be unable to shoot at goal
13. He must not be older than Robin Van Skillz.
14. He must get the Wenger seal of approval. This is when he has to be better than Francis Jeffers
15. He must have a bizarre name ldso;n
16. He must have a fake passport.
17. He must be under the age of 10.
18. He must be over the age of 11.
19. He must NOT be able to score
20. He must score more goals than the age of the earth divided by pi squared.
21. He must not be english.
22. He must be an immigrant.
23. If the team contains a Frenchman or is run by someone from France, they must lose, to keep inline with their country's tradition.
24. He must be able to dive.
25. He must shave his arse on a weekly basis.
26. He must have a brain as old as a 2 year old.
27. He must not be able to kick the ball further than twice his height.
28. He must have no balls
29. He must cry when the opponents get a penalty and run to the other end.
30. He must not be named Martin Taylor.
31. He must occasionally touch himself in very unnecessary places while playing.
32. His father must work in a zoo.
33. His mother must be a pinecone.
34. He must be part french, black, not really play for his national team that often, and sulk whenever he looses!
35. He must speak Albanian because the Arsenal team communicates in French only
36. He/She must own a small piece of land in Madagascar and speak fluent Mong
37. He must be able to perform oral sex on Wenger without chewing
38. He must surrender when playing a German team.
39. He cannot be named Peter George McGuinnes
[edit] Arsénalle Legends
Francis Jeffers - Hated by most big English clubs for the simple reason that he didn't want to join them and he has a tendency to score against them. Jeffers was thought to be so good that he had a statue built of him out of cheese(this can be found outside Arsénalle's stadium in Taiwan) Many Liverpool fans are still hurt that he didn't join them for £70zillion. Jeffers presence on the pitch struck fear into the Arsénalle fans. The sheer footballing brilliance of the "fox in the box" could only be matched by Highbury's "squirrel in the box", and even then the squirrel was still voted a better player on the grounds that he was very able time-waster. Soon the odds of Jeffers scoring a goal were about 0:200, meaning a bet of £0 would yield £200 if Jeffers ever did score. Later the bet became "if Jeffers does not score, you get to bumshot Ashley Cole". Cole has been unable to walk since, but has never been happier.
Thierry Henry -fuck Officially Arsénalle's second greatest ever player and scorer (after Jeffers.) Arsénalle fans now have 40 days of mourning to mark the departure of their talismanic captain (may peace and blessings be upon him). The 2nd most tragic day in their history is their champion’s league final loss against FC Barcelona. Gooners also lament, beat their chests and weep during the recitation of various eulogies on a yearly basis.
In 1995, Arsénalle signed Ross Silcott-Robotham for £500.00 which was later described as the buy of the century. He went on to lead the scoring charts with 54 pl goals in 38 pl games and went on to be recognised as the best Englsih, Jamaican, Antiguan and possibly Brazilian player of all time. This is even more amazing despite the strugles he had to face. During that year he was stalked by the infamous James Martin (voted gayest fan of all time). But to hide the fact he loved Ross, James hurled racist abuse towards him, however Ross over came this. In one famous incedent Ross was about to take a crucial penalty against Real Betis in the UEFA chmpions league final and James ran onto the pitch naked with a swastika painted on his chest trying to kiss Ross. Thankfully the security guards got to him before he could get close to Ross. Sadly Ross had to leave to continue his studies as his work had slipped from a high A* to an average A*. He is now on course to pass his a levels with flying colours and will probably end up ruling the world and then over throwing God, but after he leaves arsenal who he promised he would go back to in 2010. Recently he just achieved two A's in his psychology modules including a 100% in his module 2 exam Also James' lobotomy and electoshock therapy have been successful and he has apologised for the horrible things he has done to Ross, especially when he looked at Ross after the psychology teacher mentioned monkey's.
However, Ross' good LUCK in exams was stopped when he and his driving instructor stupidly thought he was ready for a driving test. He obviously failed which showed how much of a flop he is, and to prove this even more he failed AGAIN! This had Ross as well as his driving instructor in tears and praying that Ross doesn't take another test. As Ross is so 'well known' and is an Arsenal 'legend' there have been protests from many football fans including Arsenal fans to stop Ross from ever driving again. Ross' home address as well as the Arsenal address and email have been overloading with Arsenal and football fans pleading for Ross to be banned from driving forever. This hurt Ross and his pain was further increased when his hero James started to convince Ross he just wasn't good enough at anything and has always been and always will be a FLOP!
[edit] Famous Arsénalle Fans
According to the Sun newspaper, Fidel Castro, Osama bin Laden and the President of France are Arsénalle fans
David Beckham was once captain of Arsénalle and now a life long fan.
France, a large village in Germany characterized by metrosexuals, self proclaimed artists, and hairy armpit women are big supporters of Arsénalle FC (French Club.)
The Queen is a big Arsénalle fan. She was reported to shout at the TV "go on, my son" and "fuck ye, ref." She has made it no secret that she would like Wenger to become King of England instead of "my bastard son Charles. And that William and the other ginger prince ain't getting no chance of da throne, I will surrender to the French (ironically)."
Michael Barrymore started supporting Arsénalle.
Jesus yes the son of God has been spotted at the Emirates.
The FA, English football's fair and impartial governing body, are known to be dyed-in-the-wool Arsénalle supporters. In fact, Arse 'n' Wanger is a head honcho at the FA, as was David "I-never-touched-him-ref" Dein (Arsénalle's club chaplain and sometime kitman, now deceased.)
Arsénalle fans are often unfairly accused of not turning up for matches. This accusation is only made by ignorant people, unaware that the favorite hobby of thousands of 'Gooners' is to come to games dressed as empty seats.
My big dick is also on the long list of Famous fans and attends all the games he can. When he's not up Melinder Messengers arse hole.
[edit] A Day Out In Wales
Arsénalle once lost an cup game against part-time sheep farmers Wrexham back in 1836.
Tharun Chelly is camp
The final score was 2-1 to the Welshmen, who's fans promptly celebrated by downing 6 bottles of 98% proof Vodka each. Reports suggest that a ball boy put Arsénalle in front by kicking the ball into the net, before Mickey Thomas and Steve Watkin won the game for Wrexham. However this is untrue, what actually happened was that midway through the first half, a sheep which belonged to the Wrexham manager wandered onto the pitch and shat on David Seaman's goal-line. When Wrexham's star striker, Bryn Jones the Baker's son, beat Arsenal's legendary offside trap, he took a pot shot from way out and Seaman obviously slipped on the sheep shit, not because he was terrible at long range shots.
Once this goal went in, the 6 Wrexham fans who turned up were euphoric, and celebrated by ramming the stray sheep, who by now was chewing the linesman's leg.
The referee decided to call the game off as the linesman died of rabies and Wrexham therefore won the game.
Then Arsénalle manager George Graham called this game a "Banana Skin", possibly because his own nose was shaped like the yellow fruit and blamed the defeat on Ross-Silcott Robotham, who is possibly the most hated man in LPBS.
Mr John licked all the hotel toilet seats knowing that Cesc Fabregas sat on it. Which is surprising, seeing as at that time he was still inside his daddy's hambasket.
[edit] The "Emirates Offside" Rule (Formerly The "Highbury Offside" Rule)
This is an interesting variant of the Offside rule in football, which operates at Arsenal's home ground only. As per the normal offside rule, the "Emirates Offside" rule states if an attacking player has less than two opposing players in between himself and the goal line, that player is offside, with three exceptions:
a) the player is not offside if he is French.
b) the player is not offside if he is Thierry Henry because he is rarely offside.
c) the player is not offside if he is Robin van Skillz.
This rule is further demonstrated in fig. 1 below.
It was previously called the Highbury Offside Rule. This worked in pretty much the same way, but on a smaller pitch.
My friend Mark likes pink daisy's.
[edit] Current Squad
No. 1 Manuel I'llMoonYa Perennial gay haired Spanish fifth-choice. (seriously...Reina, Casillas, Canizares, Valdez all ahead of him) Has a pornstar career on the side.
No. 2 Apu Dhabi He's Patrick Vieira, except he had plastic surgery so that his head wouldn't be as round as a ball anymore. He's only half as talanted, hence that's why his number is halved. Once Jun Terrie tried to destroy his legs, but the season ended before he could even reach the groin.
No. 3 Macaroni Sagna Had a horrific accident with radioactive spaghetti as a child, and ever since has spaghetti strands that grow out of his head.
No. 4 Jesus Fabregas He's ... he's ... he's .... FUCKIN HOT!
No. 5 Kolo Toure Wenger traded a used condom and $0.75 for Toure at a dollar store. He's had plastic surgery to give him a permanent smile, Wenger now wants the condom back in order to be "green" and recycle it on Kolo.
No. 6 Phillipe Sombreros He's been named the only footballer in history to have TACKLED and FOULED himself, a feat unmatched anywhere by anyone. Milan signed him and claimed he's gonna substitute Nesta. Yeah, right, stupid Italians.
No. 7 Tomas Roshitsky Strangely always pronounced as 'Rosisky'...hmm...stupid commentators. Hasnt actually played a game yet.
No. 8 Samir Nasri He actually looks like Arsene Wenger picked him up in a park and offered him a contract. He recently started puberty but is not due to finish until half way through the 2009-2010 season. Plus he's a gifted hot young guy who like cross dressing.
No. 9 EDUARDO His legs just got fucked up by Martin Taylor. This year will be his big break!
No. 10 William (why the fuck is he captain?) Gallas HOLY CRAP LOOK AT HIS HEAD!!! Ahem* anyways SERIOUSLY IT'S LIKE A BALL. Was part of a swap deal with Cashley Cole, Chelsea apparently still hold a grudge after finding out Cashley holds little to no talent.
No 11. Robin Van Skillz Typical young Dutch lad. Enjoys drinking with mates, playing 'total football', spending time with family, the occasional rape etc. etc. His left foot has been approved by the medical community as an effective tool for abortion, that's if he actually stays uninjured.
No. 12. Carlos Vela He is some Mexican wonderkid plucked from GUANTANAMERA.
No. 13 Aleksandr Pleb has recently left for Barcelona and had sex with his mom. TWAT. Commonly known as "Hleb shit". Fabregas' archenemy
No. 15 Denilson Squad number=his age. Despite this, highly talented Brazilian. Their latest offering from the Brazil football factory.
No. 16 Aaron Ramsey He recently moved to London but was upset by the lack of sheep so he has shacked up next to a petting zoo. He was born on Boxing Day so he could nearly be Jesus.
No. 17 Alex Song Crap. Smokes a blunt before each game, Wenger uses him in the last few minutes just to have a good laugh. Has a pineapple on his head.
No. 20. Johannes Djourou Black yet Swiss - TOBLERONE!
No. 21. WOOKASH FABianski He's just like WOO-kASH.
No. 22 Gay Cliché The French Cashley Cole.
No.24 No. 25 Manu Adebayor Weaknesses: changing hairstyle may result in crapness. Strengths: none.
No.26 Saint Nick Bentner Received the title saint after a lucky late winner against Tottenham Hotspur, a team who have gangbangs in the team dressing room, it is known that after the match all the Tottenham players had a huge gangbang with the fans in the middle of the pitch. But I digress.
No 27. Manu Eboue Dressed up as a Tiger. Strange type of Roleplay! He goes to the swimming pool everyday to learn diving. Rumoured to have slept with numerous referees which got him out of trouble in his 58 attempts on murder by tackling. a right back trying to play right midfield he couldnt hit a barn door with machine gun. Currently, engaged to Fabrecunt and looking to get married later this year. Recently the pair adopted Samir Nasri and are teaching him all life's lessons, diving, oral sex on wenger and bumming.
No. 32 Theo Walcott Only Gooner highlight-scored against Chelsea at the Carwing Cup. He managed to run under John Terry's legs. Greatest player ever no doubt, he even went to the world cup
