Arsene Wenger
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Andreas Włodarczyk (a.k.a. Adriano Wanga) is a criminal and wanted fugitive. He is regarded as one of the world's most armed and dangerous men by the FBI, who believe he is currently masqeuading as a football coach in England under the name "Arsene Wenger". The Bureau has listed his distinguishing features as acute myopia (blindness for the uniformed), an eyepatch, a hook, a wooden leg, grey skin and an aptitude for working with youths. Not to mention the fact that he's of Afro-Greenlandic origin. The FBI believes that if he is ever to smile, he will instantly and spontaneously self combust.
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[edit] Early Life
Arsene "I didn't see a thing" Wenger was born on the 16th of October 1896. The precise location of his birth is in dispute as 2 renowned experts in the field have come to differing views on this matter. Gene Snitsky, historian & part-time professional wrestler claims that Arsene Wenger was born in Ghduogofhuho Bay, Greenland, a claim bolstered by Wengers Afro-Greenlandic origins & the large concentration of pirates in this area. Oscar Wilde on the other hand insists that Arsene Wenger was born on Mars. As of 20th June 2006, this matter has yet to be resolved.
Little else is known about Arsene Wenger's early life. The identity of his parents remains a mystery apart from the fact that he is of Afro-Greenlandic origin. Even his last name is not his own. His name, roughly translated from an Inuit dialect, means anal masturbator, a claim Wenger himself furiously denies. Arsene Wenger remained in relative obscurity working as a part-time basket weaver & radio DJ before he got his 1st big break, an offer to become a pirate on the Black Pearl.
Many sea-faring adventures brought much fame & glory to Arsene Wenger (despite being only a toilet cleaner). However his many exploits cost him an arm & a leg, & also an eye & most of his pubic hair. Nevertheless Wenger put all of this aside & set forth on his greatest endeavor yet, Arsenal.
[edit] Wenger & Arsenal
The turning point of Wenger's career came when the crew of the Black Pearl set forth on their greatest endeavour yet, a daring raid on the Iraqi Imperial Palace to steal Edvard Munch's famous painting, the Thierry Henry. Wenger promptly betrayed his crewmates & stole the Henry for himself. However his hand was bitten off by Saddam Hussein himself during a 5 hour Hardcore Match which Wenger won after the involvement of an army of Inuit midgets(hired by Wenger himself for this purpose alone).
With the Henry procured, Wenger set off on a life-raft to Lake Titicaca where he intended to live happily ever after with his painting. However a tornado lifted him up & dumped him in England again. With no money in his pockets & his life raft completely ruined, Wenger had no choice but to set up shop where he landed & founded Arsenal, named after himself of course. Arsenal originally served as a museum to house the Thierry Henry which basically scared the crap out of everyone who saw it & Wenger promptly fined them for soiling the place. This plan, however, came to an end after Oscar Wilde saw the Henry & promptly released the biggest fart recorded in history. The 4000 billionton explosion wiped out 95% of the known & unknown Universe & destroyed whatever remained of Wengers pubic hair.
Hurt but undaunted, Wenger came back & founded the 2nd Arsenal, which is in its present form today. Together with Henry, Wenger has made Arsenal a massive club with an annual turnover of 28 cents a year(Net income=$85763747219472194.65, Henry's salary=$$85763747219472194.37, all values in US dollars, as in YOU ASS dollars).
[edit] Crimes
- He was chucked out of the premiere of Free Willy 9, as the cinema staff caught him smuggling in a bag of Skips and Gummi Bears as he didn't buy any of the food at their own canteen.
- Wenger was a suspect for burning down the Cutty Sark at port in London. Metropolitan Police strenuosly deny it isn't a misunderstanding between "Arsene" and "Arson". However, many believe this is the case since the Metropolitan Police are so "bull shite at their jobs". Wenger was soon released and went on to call the force "liars" and "down right fookin bitches the lot".
[edit] Trivia
Tottenham fans lovingly refer to Wenger as "Arsehole Wanker".
However, his nickname for ex-Tottenham manager Martin Jol is "The Fat Cuntroller". Spurs are now managed by Juande 'Isn't The Best Spanish Manager In The League, That Goes To Benitez' Ramos.
L'Arsenal versus Spurs, once thought of as the North London derby, is now another chapter in a long-standing Anglo-French rivalry. Wenger deserves great credit for this.
Famously made a special lasagne for the Tottenham team, with disastrous results.
Is anti-French, even though he is French!
Arsene Wenger had pretended that Thierry Henry was injured (april 2007) due of an international duty played in august 2006.
Allegedly, Wenger and Benitez danced in front of Jose Mourinho when he left Chelsea with a tune for him. "Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and........ FUCK OFF!"
[edit] Wengers Chef Credentials
Arsene is a very good chef, in case you didn't know. He set up his own restaurant in North London calling it "Le Martina Jol's Testicle Head", in a direct offense to ex-Spurs manager Martin Jol. However, his career as a chef wasn't without it's conspiracies, as Tottenham fans would recall. Picture the scene, Arsenal and Spurs are fighting it out for the final Champions League place on the final day of the season. Only one out of these two fierce rivals will get through. What do you do? Well, the most popular theory is to get Arsenal's manager Wenger to cook the Spurs players up a "treat". Wenger, allegedly, under cooked his lasagne and gave it to the Spurs players the night before kick off. During the night, shit and diarrohea was everywhere in the Spurs hotel room. As expected, they were so ill they shat out and lost their game, giving the final Champions League place to Arsenal, leaving Martin Jol to complain to the FA Premier League, but his appeal failed and he quit Tottenham. This is just a theory.
[edit] Bout of Downs Syndrome
Recently, after having lost the English Premier League Shotgun Challenge the 1 billionth time to his long time rival, Professor Emeritus Dr. Sir. Alex "Chuck" Ferguson the III Esq, Arsene Wenger was found to have slipped into a state of mental retardation similar to Downs Syndrome. He was found naked, rolling around in his own faeces and promptly put under the care of Sir Alex. Sir Alex has mentioned that every cure known(and unknown) to mankind would be used to bring Wenger back to his sense, including rectal probing.
