Art

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“Art is just fart without the "F".”

~ Bass the Language-purist on art

“We can forgive a man for making a useful thing as long as he does not admire it. The only excuse for making a useless thing is that one admires it intensely.”

~ Oscar Wilde on useful things

“All art is quite useless.”

~ Oscar Wilde on art

Still Life of a Bowl of Fruit by Salvador Dali. Note the surrealism.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Art.

Art can be a lot of things. It can range from Picasso's abstract paintings to some dude banging on a box in the subway or his studio. Many morons enjoy art simply because they are blind, believing it to be pretty. Others are too open-minded to hate anything (i.e., Mrs. Moore, some hippie art teacher). Many artists, such as Vincent Van Gogh, have gained somewhat of a cult following, similar to Monty Python and William Shakespeare.

1 History
2 how he became gay
3 What makes humans create art?
4 The Seven Deadly Arts
5 The Minor Arts
6 Typical Art Responses
7 See also
8 External links

[edit] History

His Master's Voice by Vincent Van Gogh

Art was invented last year in a coffee house in Melbourne. The founders of art wanted something/anything to talk about other than sport. All artists are bad at sport! Art has has produced paint splatter on canvas (blue poles), video games and Warrick Capper. Nothing usfully has ever been made from art.

Humans created works of art long before written history began. The cave paintings at Lascaux, the mysterious obsidian sculptures of the Maya, and Joan Rivers' hairdo are all examples of prehistoric art.

However, there's no doubt that prehistoric man also practiced dance, music, and storytelling -- performance art. Archaeologists surmise that the beat generation of the late Neanderthal culture recited "poetry" to the accompaniment of bongos or drums made from the intestines of their enemies or inlaws.

The visual aspect of art was not recognized as an olympic sport until the intake of hallucinogenic mushrooms by pagan followers of the holy flying spaghetti monster

[edit] how he became gay

pumpin that mmm good corny fudge every day!.

Art fulfills a basic hunger of gayness, much like a hamburger. Womankind however is much harder to please, Art obsessive hobbie is being gay withmicheal jackson or prince. Gay kind is like art design, fashion and hair dressing, partually because of their third nipples however their talent is largly attributed to them being aliens.

[edit] What makes humans create art?

"Hondo Crouch", one of Meazell's famous paintings which now belongs to Willie Nelson.

Is it the desire to have something nice to look at instead of the same old crap they've got lying around the house? Is it an attempt to infuse meaning, substance, and spiritual nourishment into their lives? Or is it just an idle pastime, slightly more interesting than picking crabs out of their pubic hair?

Dr. Stan Bulowski, head of research of the Social Anthropology department of the University of Borborygmi, Canada has suggested that art fulfills a deep and spiritual need within the male human to have long hair, smoke roll-ups, wear crumpled clothes, not bath for three months, never shave and still have the ability to pick up hot girls by harping on constantly about their being a "tortured and sensitive soul".

Other experts in this field have suggested that it is simply easier than getting a real job.

[edit] The Seven Deadly Arts

Nude painting.

Graphic Arts include painting, biromash, etching and sketching and retching, Photoshopping, batik, and the like. In the most fundamental sense these artforms are something you look at, like internet porn or the signals at a pedestrian crossing.

Sculpture, for our purposes, includes such shaped creations as bas-relief, papíer mache, plastic surgery, jello molds, bronze castings, etc.

Dance, inspired by the terpsichorean muse, is most commonly seen in English cheeseshops. Occasionally the American Dance Corps (F.E.E.B.L.E.) will send an expedition to the Canadian Arctic.

Music is, basically, noise. Sometimes the noise is rhythmic, sometimes harmonious, but often it is neither. Singers may or may not perform music, and they may or may not be accompanied by such instruments as sackbutts or bazookas. It's wide-open, baby.

Literature includes the written artforms: poetry, prose fiction, plays (in written form), comic books, and Readers Digest^™. Prose can be defined as "words-in-a-line" while poetry is "words-not-in-a-line" and Readers Digest is goat kidneys wrapped in a paper cover.

Performance art has expanded from the traditional concepts of Shakespearan or Greek plays performed on a stage to include the performances of street mimes, acrobatic cat-hurlers, monologists, and polylogists. Seminal works of performance art include Antonio Glebovich's "Faeces in a Bucket" and Catherine Shumley's master work "Wales" which consisted of the artist strutting naked around a shopping mall in Southern England shouting "I'm a Rhonda valley commando!!" for 17 hours.

Video art is typified by the television show Wheel of Fortune and the classic of video expression "Bung-ho Babes XI". It is not a play, it is not poetry, it is neither dance nor music. Video art dates to the vellum flip-movies of the middle Renaissance.

[edit] The Minor Arts

Culinary art creates FAT things which are pleasing, or not pleasing but interesting, or neither pleasing nor interesting but, nevertheless, must be art because they are not FAT for anything else.

Fashion art seeks to create interesting clothes. In general this artform runs in circles, with nothing new under the sun. I mean, come on, there are only so many ways to wrap a piece of cloth around a skinny model.

Forming words by belching is an artform practiced mostly by FAT boys and certain thick-necked beer aficionados in Alabama and Mississippi.

Landscape art can be a commentary on the human condition, as in this example, "Waiting for Godot" by Samuel Hoggett.

Landscaping creates arrangements of plants, rocks, mounds, and water features. Golf courses are one example; Zen gardens another. Some landscape artists use animals like hogs to create poignant and depressing commentaries on the human condition.

Perfumery creates interesting scents. Jackson Haddock's monumental perfume "Squid Docks Of Hokkaido" evokes the Japanese Fisherman's Rebellion of 1552, when 30 tonnes of squid rotted on the docks of Nemuro. The impact of this great work is unmistakable and the aroma does not leave your clothes for weeks.

Rolling bombers can be quite an art, though the aftermath may leave participants dazed and confused, and with terrific munchies.

Internet comic writing is not really the same as other Literary Arts. Like carving methane and making bubbles in the bathtub, it is evanescent and often smells like rotting cabbage.

Miner Art is often confused with Minor Art. Miner Art is a form of sculpture practised underground, in the dark by Miners—and that's all we know, as nobody has ever seen any of it. (That's due to the darkness, stupid. Now stop asking awkward questions; this is art and it doesn't need to make sense).

Exploding Arts is quickly becoming one of the more popular forms of art. All you need is some dynamite a target to destroy. That single moment of explosion completely tops every other form of art out there! Terrorists are the undisputed masters of this art.

Uncyclopedia's contribution to "Sculptures by the Sea 2007"

Armpit Farting Is an artform from ancient celtic society which has enjoyed something of a revival in recent years. "pitfarts" involve the creation of sounds similar to anal flatulence by creating a small area of suction under the armpit with a cupped hand and moving the adjacent arm up and down to create the "tune". Armpit farting also has the distinction of being simultaneously an artform, a recognised sport in the 2008 Olympics and the absolutely funniest thing you can do during a forensic psychology lecture by an eminent but boring visiting professor.

[edit] Typical Art Responses

Sunday on the Pot with George. The artist committed suicide out of shame.

It was the single most memorable artistic experience in my life—a bit like my recent bout with the shingles." —Actual art critic's response to Sunday on the Pot with George.

"A metaphoric smorgasbord of juxtaposed imagery" —This response indicates the viewer is either a writer for ArtForum magazine, an intolerable prick, or both. The viewer could also be suffering from Assburger's Syndrome.

"How fabulously tres chic!" —This response indicates that the viewer has all the depth of a post-it note, but this matters none, as he or she gets invited to all the best parties.

"I don't know art, but I know what I like" —This will cue people to the fact that you are an inbred moron with neither a sense of culture nor grace. You will never get invited to the best parties.