Arthur Dent
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Oh no, not again.”
~ A bowl of petunias on Arthur Dent
“Oh no, not again.”
~ Arthur Dent on a bowl of petunias
“You're Arthur Dent? [...] THE Arthur Dent? [...] Well, this is truly incredible. [...] I think you’d better come and meet the rest of us. They’re going to be terribly surprised! And so, I think, are you.”
~ A bird on the rare occasion of seeing Arthur Dent shortly before entering the right ear of one of his statues
“I don't see what the fuss is all about; Arthur Dent is only the second best astrophysicist in the universe.”
~ Marvin the Paranoid Android on Arthur Dent
“Who's the best astrophysicist then, if it's not the Doctor?”
~ Everyone on hearing the above quote
“It's Marvin, I'm afraid.”
~ Everyone else on hearing the above quote
“I still think it's the Doctor.”
~ Rassilon on hearing the above quotes, then kicking your'e hiney 14 times
Arthur Philip Dent, Ph. D. (1873-future), is and will always be a respected astronaut, astrophysicist and sandwich maker.
He currently resides in the starship Heart of Gold, and the main reason he is able to reside in there is because he always knows where his towel is and he lets other people borrow it.
Contents |
[edit] Early life
Little is known of Arthur Dent's early life: however these simple facts seem to be true.
- He was born in '42; however the earliest sighting of this man is around 1873.
- He was not British: he was born in the city of Dent, located in Ohio.
- He was said to have a "Heart of Gold."
- He was born on a Thursday.
- His family's first car is said to have been a Ford Prefect.
- He was an avid hitchhiker, and once he hitchhiked around the world. The specifics of the story is as follows.
“One day, I decided that, I dunno, maybe I ought to get around a bit more. So around, I dunno, '85, I hitchhiked in this DeLorean and suddenly this young bright lad named Marty begins messing around with the controls and the next thing I know, I'm in the '50s. I help Marty get back to the '80s, and the next thing I know, I'm in 2015 or something, then all of a sudden I'm back in 1885. So then I steal the DeLorean...”
~ Arthur Dent on hitchhiking the world
“I thought it was destroyed!”
~ Marty McFly on the DeLorean
“...sorry, Marty, I stole it... anyway, ... so I travel to London because I reckon that's where I should be and sure enough, 'round 1873, No. 7 Saville-Row, Burlington Gardens, I see Phineas Fogg, this odd eccentric gentleman who's going to go 'round the world. So I take this pseudonym Passepartout, and contrary to popular belief, he used the DeLorean.”
~ Arthur Dent on hitchhiking the world
“NO I DID NOT! And my name is PHILEAS FOGG!”
~ Phileas Fogg on an unimportant matter
“Don't lie, Phineas. He installed the warp drive that he stole from the USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D, and sure enough it took him little time... about 80 seconds. Then I waited for about, I dunno, 112 years - I reckoned I was immortal as long as I didn't visit Stravomula Beta - and I was back where I was. So that's it.”
~ Arthur Dent on hitchhiking the world
- His doctoral thesis was on 42-dimensional superstring theory; this worked fine and beautifully unified the fundamental forces of physics but unfortunately after this great leap in physics, space-time filed a lawsuit for divorce, and they did split, horribly ruining the space-time continuum.
[edit] Career
For a while, Arthur Dent mildly amused some people by traveling in space-time aboard a police box/Portaloo and occasionally saving the world. The "Doctor" was disillusioned by the idea of saving the world when he found out on the radio that The World was a co-production of the BBC World Service, Public Radio International and WGBH Boston.
However, it was in the 1980s that Arthur Dent had his big break in astrophysics after discovering that one of his closest friends was a Betelgeuse native. After hitchhiking around the galaxy, he returned to Earth to write a series of radio episodes that explained life, the universe and everything through his story of hitchhiking the galaxy. He used the pseudonym Douglas Noel Adams, which he had previously used around 1952, so as to make it abbreviate to DNA.
He became rather famous for this and so wrote up a TV series, a trilogy of five books, a computer game (with his expertise in computing from all those astrophysics simulations), and a screenplay, as well as other miscellanea. Later he became President of his car but voted himself out of office in favor of the Vice President, which was also him. In dishonor of this incident, most modern British politics are termed to be "Arthurian."
In public appearances, of course, he wished to remain in hiding, so he asked one of his more witty secretaries to go to those public appearances. This secretary happened to be very British, and died in 2001.
Around 2001, he began to doubt the existence of salmons, and was planning to release a book titled The Salmon of Doubt but went into hiding instead, becoming a Puritan writer.
Later he came out of his brief religious stint, declared himself a conservative atheist, and published The Salmon of Doubt.
He has still been sighted around May 25 celebrating Towel Day, still in his dressing gown. Purportedly the reason he comes to celebrate Towel Day is just to get a decent cup of tea.
He gives sandwiches to everyone present in return.
[edit] Bibliography
- Around the World in 80 Seconds (1873)
- Selected Papers on Quantum Electrodynamics (1958)
- A Brief History of String (1971)
- What Does The Apollo Mission Think It Is, A Vogon Constructor Fleet? (1972)
- The Great Galaxy (1975)
- Towels: A Man's True Best Friend (1977)
- Mice: A Man's True Worst Enemy (1977)
- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (1979)
- The Restaurant at the Beginning of the End of the Universe (1980)
- Life, the Multiverse, and Everything (1982)
- So Long, and Thanks for Most of the Fish (But Not All, Since There Were Some Rotten Tunas In There) (1984)
- Dirk Gently's Cubist Detective Agency (1987)
- The Quite-A-Bit Hasty Tea-Time of the Sole (1988)
- A Brief History of Time (1988) (uncredited)
- Mostly Armless (1992)
- The Salmon of Doubt (2002)
- Uncyclopedia (2004-)
- Einstein: His Life, Science and Sandwiches (2007)
[edit] Death and Legacy
[edit] Death
Arthur Dent will never die. Around 2042, on his 100th birthday, it was discovered from a hair strand that Dent was not an organic lifeform but rather one made from things called 0s and 1s. This means that unless information is lost in black holes, which it isn't, Arthur Dent is immortal.
It is presumed that by 2173, the 300th anniversary of the year he started living, bits of Arthur Dent will start turning into superpositions of the on and off states and suddenly compute the factors of what is currently known as the 42nd Mersenne "prime".
[edit] Legacy
Dr. Dent will leave a great deal of contribution to the field of physics - that is, once he dies, which he obviously will not.
- He already has named an asteroid after himself - 18610 Arthurdent, which is the official galactic spokesthing of Arthur Dent.
- He will have written up a 42-dimensional theory that unifies the fundamental forces of physics without scaring the space-time continuum off.
- He will have been immortal by the time he dies.
- He will eventually surpass the Vogons, the Asgoths and Paul Neil Millstone Jennings in order to be the worst poet of the universe.
- He will have eliminated any need for more study of physics by proving that all we really need to study is mathematics.
- He will then have eliminated any need for more study of mathematics by proving that all we really need to study is physics.
- He will subsequently have eliminated any need for more study of physics by proving that... oh, forgetaboutit.
- He will then have eliminated any need for more study of mathematics by proving that all we really need to study is physics.
- He will have illustrated the grandfather paradox by fathering, grandfathering, mothering, and grandmothering himself all at the same time.
- He will have completed Uncyclopedia and subsequently will have persuaded Oscar Wilde to change his name to Slartibartfast Artbitslastarf.
- He will have united all fields of science using extreme sarcasm and a grue.
- He will have calculated the exact likelihood of your being eaten by a grue to be 74.088%.
- By a total coincidence,
.
- By a total coincidence,
[edit] Quotes
“Is that tea?”
~ Arthur Dent on seeing any liquid
“Who is that?”
~ Arthur Dent on Douglas Noel Adams
“Are you quoting me?”
~ Arthur Dent on Oscar Wilde, and vice versa
“I see where you become confused.”
~ Arthur Dent on discovering that mice were experimenting on humans, thinking that the person who told him that was wrong about that though it was really Arthur that was wrong about it.
“What?”
~ Arthur Dent on practically everything
“WHAT THE HECK ARE THOSE THINGS?!?!?!”
~ Arthur Dent on seeing any group of alien objects
