As The World Falls Down

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“As the world falls down I will be writing a letter of complaint to God about the rather poor structural design.”

~ Oscar Wilde on the world falling down

“I'll have my I-God on so I won't here you.”

~ God on the above quote

“When the world falls down we'll all die.”

~ Captain Obvious on the world falling down

As The World Falls Down, George W. Bush will be spouting incoherent speeches, Oscar Wilde will be making sarcastic comments because he's indestructable and therefore the world falling down will have absolutely no effect on him whatsoever, the United Nations will be too concerned with public relations to bother discussing the small matter of the end of the world, Gordon Brown will be running like fuck, Vladimir Putin will be trying to figure out a way to exploit the situation, Peggy Mitchell will be screaming at people to "Get out of 'er pub", the peasants will be "heading for the hills", Paris Hilton will be shagging everything that moves, I'll be staying perfectly still and throughout all this chaos Jareth the Goblin King will be calmly walking around singing because like Oscar Wilde, God and me, he is immortal. He also has a lovely singing voice.

[edit] Reasons for the world falling down

As the world falls down, scientists and philosophers (like me) will be desperately trying to come up with a way to explain it so that we can spend our final moments as we have spent our lives, looking terribly clever.

Below I have taken the liberty of writing a few reasons to explain the event of the world falling down.

[edit] Imbalance in the tectonic plates

Due to all the obese people in America and all of the incredibly large and mostly useless buildings on the planet, the surface of the Earth could become too heavy for the Earth's crust to sustain, thus sending the tectonic plates into confusion, resulting in a gargantuan Earthquake which would result in every structure on Earth, collapsing. The human race would be buried beneath the rubble and that would be the end of the world as we know it. Ooh, there's another song.

[edit] San Andreas Fault

Yes, if the world falls down, we should probably blaim San Andreas, because it will as always, be his fault. If Lex Luthor fires a missile at San Andreas Fault it will cause the West Coast as we know it to sink beneath the waves, thereby making America, the new Atlantis. Because those bastards in the White House run the world, this will result in global economic and political stability collapsing.

In other words, blaim the Yanks.

[edit] Proton Decay

Scientists have speculated that proton decay will eventually cause the Universe to collapse beneath its own weight. This theory of the End of the Universe is sometimes referred to as The Big Crunch. Others confuse this term with Robbie Coltrane and Victoria Beckham making love.

Crunch.

[edit] Goblins

After his fall into the Pit of Khazad-Dum, Gandalf was privy to "dark things gnawing at the world." These things have been speculated to be a highly advanced form of Goblin.

A theory largely dismissed by theorists on the world falling down, is that Goblins are as we speak, gnawing at the foundations of the Earth, which will eventually result in the world collapsing in on itself, leaving Jareth the Goblin King, free to write another song about it.

The foundations of the Earth must be pretty shit if all it takes to knock them down is a few peckish Goblins.

On the other hand, the "dark things gnawing at the world" which Gandalf spotted might have just been Mulch Diggums and his mates having a snack.

[edit] See also

• David Bowie