Asheron's Call

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“Asheron's Call? Never heard of it.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Asheron's Call

Actual in-game screenshot from Asheron's Call. High-resolution graphics like these were said to have given many players seizures and epileptic shock.

Created by Turbine entertainment in the early 18th century, Asheron's Call is an online CyberSex simulator designed for people too dumb to move on to better games.

This "CyberSexPlanet", called Dereth, is huge but only populated by a dozen people over all 192 servers at last official census. Half of these players were said to be post-menopausal, lonely soccer moms and don't count.

[edit] Game Play

Unlike any other game in the genre, Asheron's Call starts players off creating a character, killing various monsters, and losing virtually all social life.

[edit] Skills and Attributes

When first entering the totally fabulous world of dereth, players are prompted to create some dumbass avatar to run around the world in sexual adventures players will look back on as a waste of time, lotion, tissues, and anal lubricant.

Attributes:

• Penetration
• Throbbing Factor
• Reach Arounds

Skills:

• Anal Rape
• Fisting
• Masturbation (One of the most popular skills as you will likely find nobody playing this game)
• Suicide (Also growing in popularity)

[edit] Allegiances

Many players in Asheron's Call join an Allegiance of players, which allows them to, as a team, defeat higher level monsters and gank people that are better at PvP'ing than them. These so called "Monarchies" include:

• Inactive Monarchy
• Another Inactive Monarchy
• More Inactive Monarchies
• Blood''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
• Paraduck Fuckers

[edit] Experience

Experience points are gained by having sex with as many people as possible. Rape is worth 100 million exp, unless you're the one being raped, in which case it is only 52 exp. Giving reacharounds are worth 100, and group sex 500,000. There might also be some exp in killing monsters, but nobody really cares enough to find out.

[edit] Currency

Currency in Asheron's Call is based on Pyreals (Fake gold). These pyreals are typically traded through trade notes, ranging from I (100 pyreals) to MMD (250,000 pyreals). A cheap hooker (Your mom) would cost somewhere around 3 I notes, whereas two Japanese twins would range from 50-75 MMD's a night.

[edit] Notable Players

(Not that anybody Cares)

• Jesus: The Jee man himself has been known to play Asheron's Call from time to time.
• Your Mom: The ultimate source of sexual fetishism, your mom is Asheron's call's most avid player.
• Parafaggot: An asian kid with a small penis that has nothing better to do than play Asheron's Call 24/7/365.
• You: Just kidding. You haven't even heard of this game.
• Nobody

[edit] Sequel?

There are rumors that a sequel, Asheron's Call 2 was designed. Reportedly, previous players of asheron's call prefer the new game due to similar yet vastly improved game mechanics. It is still running today and is a massive success, both popularly and economically.