Assassin
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“Ha! You all tried to assassinate me but I beat y'all to it, suck on that!”
~ Hitler on Assassin
“Oh, serously. You Americans tried to kill me like, one million times! Really, thats just stupid!”
~ Fidel Castro on Assassin
“The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach”
~ Assassin proverb
“ASSASSIN TEDUDUDUDUDUDUD ASSASSSIN THIJS BEENTJES IS KK GAY EN KALE TOM IS EEN ASSASSIN HASHASHINin”
~ Nobody on Assassin
“Americans can do it. Ninjas can do it faster.”
~ The Magic Ninja on Assassins and Americans
“The Assassin's movements could have been described as catlike, except he did not stop to spray urine against things”
~ Terry Pratchet on Vetinari
“Assassin is Ass ass in!”
~ Kaoru Matsubara on Assassin
Known as ass-ass-in, an assassin is an individual (such as an alien, robot, and/or albino priest) who has placed his or her ass on the line by attempting to eradicate the ass of some other individual by inducing coma, death, or conversion to Scientology. Many assassins are taught their trade at University, though some are trained in the Army and some are Ninjas. Ninjas are the greatest assassins, as are individuals who actively use their middle name. In the rare instance that a Ninja uses their middle name, they are considered the ultimate assassin and can fuck with anyone they darn well please.
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[edit] Frequent targets
Assassins often try to assassinate political leaders, circus ringmasters, people who are ape-shit crazy), Oprah, and Hitler. The assassination of the band Air Supply is the national pastime of East Timor.the targets that die the most are usually the ones that get urinated on . due to the acid from the urine. the death total from this are 1234567. some of which a re famous like : the Grey fox, batman, superman, peter pan (Michael Jackson kill) and Desmond
[edit] Psychology
Assassins have been known to kill people for various reasons., besides garlic. Assassins for hire are called "hit men," and are basically the bald version of the after mentioned.
Professional assassins, however, prefer (meaning they will kill you if you don't obey them muhahah) to be called People Disposal Agents.
The assassinations market chain "Quickiedeath " has made reasonable progress in promoting assassinations as an effective way of dealing with gritty neighbors, annoying bosses, teachers, relatives and the occasional wife. They are mostly retired CIA, MI6, Wal-Mart or KGB agents because of the poor pensions these agencies pay, so their employees need to find other work. They are masters of disguise, sharpshooting, martial arts, and creative thinking skills like MacGyver. In order not to arouse undue suspicion, they pretend to be normal people in everyday life.
PDA are usually of German, Arabian or Russian descent, or at least have a heavy accent. A combination of the before-mentioned traits is the most desirable because of a high concentration of evil genes, but such valuable individuals are very hard to find these days.
Vis is not true. Ve do not alvas have connections vith Germany, Arabia and ze Mozer Russia. My teachers vere (before I killed them): Hitler (From some central European contry), Khanga Karn (Northen Asia) and Sudam-husan (Vrom e Middle East). I've made my point so SHAD UP!!!!
[edit] Famous assassins
- Carlos (the Jackal) - terrorist, would-be lover/assassin of Joseph Sieff
- Cassius Chaerea and associates - assassins of the Roman emperor Caligula
- Balthazar Gérards - assassin of William I of Banana
- Friedrich Nietzsche - assassinated God with his famous quote "God is dead"
- Gavrilo Princip - the Serb nationalist which killed Franz Ferdinand, the Scottish rock band and hence triggered World War I
- Luigi & Mario - tag-team assassins of Elisabeth of Austria who totally pwned
- Jan Concubine - assassin of top Nazi Reinhard Heydrich 1942 in Prague.
- Vincent (Collateral) - assassin of Ramone and Daniel.
- Mr. 17 - Cloned assassin developed by Dr. Otto Ort-Meyer as a foil for Justin Timberlake. The project also spawned a defective clone Timothy Olyphant, who is known to rampage against elves, specifically the Spam and Penguin-humping varieties.
- Michael Jackson - known to kill children, usually little boys.
- April Wine - group of Canadian assassins who work as a team, and double as a rock band.
- Ray Atta Earl
- Sirhan Oswald Mehmet
- Altair - Killed important figures of the Third Crusade and kicked the shit out of a woman.
[edit] Starter guide for would be assassins
This section contains a very specific set of instructions for becoming an awesome assassin. Following these steps will enable you to take command of anyone's privacy by the means of assassination. Failing to follow these instructions will render you impotent and permanently relocate you to the third grade.
* NOTE: The definition of assassination in this section is qualitatively 'loose'. For the purpose of clarity, it is suggested you imagine "assassination" as a method of getting to the front of the line for the dirty microwave in a public cafeteria.
The steps:
- 1. It is generally accepted that the new assassin acquire a permission slip
- 2. Forge your own signature. Don't fake this one
- 3. Post-it notes.
- 4. Franchise
Now that you are on your way to becoming a successful assassin, you ought to consider picking a technique.
Commonly used assassination methods:
- Tickling
- Bill Cosby
- Prank phone calls
- Bees
*NOTE: Combining these methods in any way may result in confetti.
As with any competitive team sport, assassination requires corporate sponsorship. Generally, assassins acquire funding through circular logic and grief counselling. Other similarities to team sports include the requirement of garb.
Dress Code:
The assassin is required to wear at least one of the following articles at all times in order not to be disqualified:
- Hair
- Shoehorn
- Lantern
- Bank Statement
- Bees
*NOTE: Once again, any combination of these items may result in confetti.
[edit] Trivia
Also, there's a reason "ass" appears twice in "assassin".
