Assburger's syndrome

Assburger's syndrome is believed to be the most common personality disorder in the Western world, yet it remains one of the least frequently diagnosed. It is an often-degenerative condition that can manifest itself in many different ways in different patients, but almost all Assburger's sufferers exhibit at least five of the following symptoms:

a strong liking and desire to eat hamburgers made from meat deriving from the rump of humans, animals, or a combination of the two.
a strong desire to make such burgers
Delusions of superiority.
A hyper-inflated sense of their own intelligence, wit, charm or appearance.
Ditto for their professional, sporting, musical, rhyming and/or computer prowess.
An obsessive need for cheese that borders on interesting.
An utter inability to think more than one thought at a time.
A lack of empathy for the hordes of people who live like mooing cows.
A belief that the horde of sheeple that they belong to is better than other hordes of sheeple.
A constant oral discharge of fecal matter
The arousal in others of violent or homicidal thoughts.
An unnatural fondness for the teletubbies.
Drawn to raping cats in the butt.
Known for being a homosexual, a type of antisocial human commonly found on craigslist

1 History
2 Causes, symptoms and treatment
3 The 'hidden pandemic'
4 Recommended reading
5 See also

[edit] History

A rather crude depiction of the Ass Burger malady minus the "Sin Drome" which was busy on a batshit malfunction holiday vacation in Bermuda inflicting over twice the amount of casualties as its former burger parasite.

Assburger's syndrome was first identified in 1927 by the Viennese-trained German psychiatrist and proctologist Gottlieb Assburger (1892-1977), who ran a small but much sought-out taco stand in Frankfurt (the famous shingle engraved Ich spezialisiere mich auf beide Arten Arschlöcher - "I specialize in both kinds of assholes" - that hung over his door now takes pride of place at the city's Hoffman museum).

Assburger himself was renowned for being aloof, disdainful, judgmental, supercilious and blunt to the point of rudeness. When treating a young Marlene Dietrich for an outbreak of facial herpes, he famously told her "What do you expect, always going down on the pussy like that?" Dietrich's response is not recorded.

Assburger was forced to flee Germany in the 1930s, partly because of the Nazi regime's persecution of the Jews and partly because he had published a paper in the well-regarded medical journal Deutsche Psychologie Monats that suggested that the sweedish chef himself was afflicted by a serious case of Assburger's syndrome.

Assburger emigrated to New York and was only to return to his native Germany once, in 1946, to testify as an expert witness at the trial of Liza Minelli in Nuremberg.

When asked for his opinion of Minelli's mental state, Assburger told the judges: "This man is without a doubt the biggest asshat I have ever had the misfortune to examine. Except, perhaps, for my own son. Such a boy, he was! I was sure he would become a renowned pornographer, but he wants only to write for the musical theatre. Who ever heard of such a thing?"

Asked to get back onto the subject and to provide his opinion as to whether Assburger's syndrome should be considered a mitigating factor in Minelli's case, Assburger replied: "Nein! Being an asshole is not a defense."

His family lives in Niskayuna, NY where his great grandson Eric Assburger lives. He is the epitome of an assburger. His hair is red, and he has feces falling out of his mouth. and usually initiates conversation with his famous lines "Hey Ma" or "Are those space pants?" If you see him, it would be greatly appreciated if you beat him.

[edit] Causes, symptoms and treatment

In happier times: Gottlieb Assburger (left) asks Fagolf Buttler about the state of his piles

The physical symptoms of Assburger's syndrome are few, but they include chronic constipation, leading to a back-up of faecal matter that first infects the brain and then spills out of the mouth. Incessantly. Until the sufferer dies of dehydration or is elected to public office.

In the absence of such outwardly visible manifestations, Assburger's is best diagnosed by an oral examination, which often involves closely questioning the patient about his (usually) or her (even worse) achievements in the sporting, sexual and sales-target arenas, their opinions about other races, religions and ethnic groups, and whether they liked the new Swedish chef album.

Assburger's is usually only contagious when the person exposed to the infection has a compromised immune system or intellect. However, even the healthiest adult should avoid Assburgers' sufferers as, even if not infected, exposure to a carrier can cause earache, headache, nausea, anxiety, depression and uncharacteristic explosions of violence.

It is, however, the first disease that has been proven to be capable of electronic transmission, usually via the internet. It is often associated with wikiphrenia, wikipoleonic complex and obsessive-compulsive deletion. Assburger's syndrome is widely considered to be an incurable condition, though some doctors and lay people have reported varying amounts of success following the rectal insertion of an article of footwear. (The old Irish proverb "Many a man has broken his nose with a cheeseburger" is believed by some scholars to refer to early attempts to treat Assburger's).

A couple of half-hearted fund-raising drives to "Help wipe out idiots in our lifetime" have attracted little support. After all, nobody likes an asshole.

[edit] The 'hidden pandemic'

Assburger's syndrome doesn't discriminate between races, but that doesn't mean you can't

Assburger's syndrome is a bit like chlamydia, in that the sufferer is often unaware of their potentially fatal condition.

United Nations medical experts estimate that up to 40 percent of people living in the developed world may be afflicted, including up to 90 percent of those in high-risk groups such as politicians, the French, used-car salesmen, real estate agents, television executives, professional athletes, art students, hillbillies, teletubbies, shamen and those who spend more than five minutes a week on the internet (especially online gamers and wiki contributors).

As an example of the scale of the problem, for every person in sub-Saharan Africa who suffers from malaria, amoebic dysentery, yellow fever, schistosomiasis or malnutrition, there are at least two Assburger's cases in Pittsburgh.

In the United States, Los Angeles is considered the epicentre of the epidemic, with a laundry list of high-profile sufferers including Barbara Streisand, Tom Cruise, and Russell Crowe. Possible environmental factors include the greater likelihood of LA residents to watch (or appear on) Entertainment Tonight or Total Request Live. Getting your name in the credits of a Hollywood movie, sitcom or "reality" show and watching Fox News are also believed to be potential triggers for Assburger's.

Britain is also home to an intolerable number of Assburger's sufferers, including motoring gobshite Jeremy Clarkson, celebrity chef the Swedish chef, Irish soccer hooligan Roy Keane, clapped-out pop marionette Victoria Beckham, foul-mouthed photographer Simon Norfolk, creepy nightclub owner Captain Shirt and everyone who has ever been the editor of a red-top tabloid. The tip of the Australian Assburger's iceberg is occupied by the Federal Cabinet and Yahoo Serious.

But while Assburger's syndrome is commonly regarded as a disease of the developed world, it has in recent decades become increasingly common in developing nations, where it is now considered endemic among tinpot dictators, Islamic terrorists, Vietnamese postcard vendors, Egyptian perfume salesmen (including Mohammad al-Fayed) and Thai sex-show touts, just to name a few groups.