Asshole

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Scott Stapp redirects here; see Creed.

Godzilla, voted "Biggest Asshole, Ever, in the History of the World" by Asshole Aficionado magazine.

“Did you mean: holeass?.”

~ Google on asshole

“Fuck you, asshole!”

~ Oscar wilde on Driving

“Asshole, you fuck!”

~ Driving on Oscar Wilde

“You could use a breath mint.”

~ Your chair to your asshole.

“Makes me want to shimmy up my own asshole!”

~ Satan on Hockey Parents, or any parent who gets into a fistfight at a fucking Little League game

Well, asshole? It's a hole in the ass, you asshole!!! Some people say that assholes are like opinions, which is categorically wrong. People wipe their assholes regularly, whereas opinions are clingy — more like little balls of shit stubbornly grasping that asscrack-hair, hiding in your nethers and invariably leaving streaks in your undies. Yep, opinions are dingleberries. Assholes are more like electrical outlets — you don't want to go sticking a fork in either one of them. Plus, some people do not have assholes. They are full of shit.

Why the black bar? We didn't want this asshole suing us.

But you didn't come here to read about anatomy, because let's face it: if you don't know all about your amazing buttal orifice and its primary function by this point in time, then no amount of research can save you from your own flailing ineptitude and chronic constipation. Go explode somewhere else; we just cleaned this place up.

You, <insert name here> are an asshole.

People are assholes. In fact, an online poll recently conducted by Sphincter.com found that ninety-seven percent of the world's population are assholes, shattering the Great Eighty-four Percent Shithead Record of 2001. But just what makes an asshole, and how can I become one, you ask? Well, it ain't all that exclusive of a club - recruiters are everywhere, membership is free, and there are absolutely no restrictions concerning age, height, gender, race, religion or sexual orientation. Assholes come in all shapes, sizes, and colours; the only constant is that they all stink. But if you really want to excel past the level of Asshatitude and rise to the pinnacle of Assholedom, then we'll play Virgil to your Dante Assholeghieri as you join us on our delightful journey through...The Annals of Assholes.

Assholios getting BP for their Humholes

1 Tiny Assholes, or Asshole Minor
2 The Asshole natural habitat
3 Stereotypical Assholes, or Raceholes
4 The Archdukes of Assholes
5 Grand Asster, Class "A" Hole
6 Smelly Asshole (Boo Wali Bund)

[edit] Tiny Assholes, or Asshole Minor

Megatron is an asshole.

Most of the world's assholes fall into this category, which places them firmly in the asshat section of the band. Sheep-people, keeping-up-with-the-Jonesers, slow-passing-lane drivers, weightlifters, meter maids, reality television contestants, incessant gossipers, everyone in the suburbs, eight-year-old boys with earrings, Paris Hilton, Fred Phelps, and dog show enthusiasts are all Asshole Minors, the hemorroids of assholes - only slightly irritating, and when they go away you can almost laugh at them. Uncyclopedia Assholes fall into this category. No, not you... we're, uh, talking about those other assholes. Ever wander onto a page expecting to find a little blast of humour, or at the very least a moderately intelligible sentence or two, perhaps a slight chuckle, only to discover this?

An asshole is a human being (or, perhaps, a fruit/vegetable) who is largely disliked by those that surround him or her. Assholes thrive in any environment, and love to cause anger, annoyance, and other generally negative emotions in those around them. To the contrary of what most of them think, "asshole" is NOT an alternative lifestyle.

That's what used to be here until we came brandishing pickaxes and butane torches and enforced a curfew; the fifteen-year-olds scattered like cockroaches. Little. Asshole. Cockroaches.

[edit] The Asshole natural habitat

Everyday the Asshole is expanding in population. Once restricted to the gladiator ring and gay pride marches, they have now spread to suburbia, causing much disturbance. The only cure to kill an asshole is by ramming a red hot poker up the asshole's asshole. This is easier said than done since Congress passed a bill protecting the asshole from violent treatment. Why, you ask? It's simple. Congress has been overrun by assholes.

A real Ass-hole.

[edit] Stereotypical Assholes, or Raceholes

This variety of Asshole, the Pompous Guy, primarily reside in large cities. These two teach their son how to be an asshole, too. Ewwww.

< This group takes the basic asshole formula and improves upon it with a hearty dose of xenophobia. Professor Manuel Fisseur of the Human Genome Project lucidly dubbed these people Melaninites. Throwing science at the wall to see if it would stick, they got distracted by NASCAR and just said, "Fuck it." The fact that all of humanity descended from Africa eludes these people as though it were an impossible concept, like basic table manners or the brushing of teeth. Too engaged littering the world with ignorant offspring and finding a suitable patch of dirt to park their Winnebagos, Raceholes drive enough of a wedge into civilization to rank above Asshole Lites. Don't get us wrong, we fully recognize that not all Raceholes are white trash, but all white trash are assholes.

ASSHOLE

[edit] The Archdukes of Assholes

This is the upper echelon, baby. The Assholerati, if you will. Here's where Club Asshole gets a bit more exclusive, and chances are that if you're not in it yet, you never will be. Here's a test to see if you could potentially gain membership: Pull up your sleeve and look at your forearm. Is it white? Good! If not, don't worry - there's still a chance for you yet, albeit a somewhat diminished one. This second part is the all-important factor: The Financial Aspect. Are you a multimillionaire? You are? Well congratulations, you have free reign over the entire planet! Go and destroy it in whatever way you see fit. Did you ever want to own a SUV that runs on baby seal blood? Ever dream of cutting down every tree in your town, en masse, and paving over everything to create a One World Mall and Parking Garage? Would you like to own a fifty-seven carat diamond brooch, even after you saw all those photographs of diamond-mining children with their arms lopped off? Really? Welcome home, asshole.

Kris Mcdonald is an asshole

Runner Up: Simon Cowell

[edit] Grand Asster, Class "A" Hole

Guess what? The guy holding the sign is an asshole, too.

Here it is, the Crème d'Ass. You must be an extraordinary asshole to rumble the very heavens themselves, grifting millions of rubes for everything they've got to finance your flights of feces. Peddling outmoded paradigms like crack to schoolchildren, these televangelists, politicians, satanists, Presidents, Steve Ballmer, lottery officials, NBA All-Stars, Nintendo, Sheiks, corporate behemoths, cult leaders, Donald Trump and PBS are all in it for the money, but even more so for the tremendous power they wield, dividing and conquering, watching you swaying in their wind and drowning in their shit. Hey, that's just what they do. That's what makes them assholes.

It takes a while for some to get it, but most people generally get pissed off when you remind them of their broken leg and how much it sucked. Specially when your broken leg was in fact your whole body that was brutally tortured and crucified. Imagine a group of people who organize as many ways as possible to remind a single guy how he was tortured and crucified. But hey, some people are assholes. The lord of all assholes is Mr. Swoboda of the german school singapore. He is not only retarted but he tries to be scary. Unfortunately he comes off as a pussyman. Mr.Fish is second in line. He manages to kiss the ass of the lord of assholes. He is spineless and completely moronic. He has managed to piss everyone off.

[edit] Smelly Asshole (Boo Wali Bund)

Image:Assholes.jpg

Ever feel like you're just trying to do your job, but you're surrounded by assholes?

Smelly asshole is known as (Bund) in Urdu

Some assholes have the ability to smell really, REALLY badly. The author of this particle had the unfortunate experience of knowing one such asshole. This asshole's smell was so pungent that he stunk up the entire first floor of a dormitory with a combination smell made up of hand sanitizer, body odor, fat (secreted through the skin pores), and hot chum.

Note: This particular smelly asshole found it necessary to go into the common room, plop itself down in the couch next to an unsuspecting female, and chak-one-out into a blanket.