Aston Villa

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“Who? Never heard of them! Actually, I'm their biggest fan. Not really - never heard of them. ”

~ Oscar Wilde on Aston Villa

“I like them cos their name is fun-nee ”

~ Tom Hanks on Aston Villa

Aston Villa is yet another testicle kicking group of sweaty men who are paid vast sums of money just to chase something which isn't even living.

Contents

[edit] History

Created in 1874 by some mentalist Malaysian truckers, Aston Villa have a long and rich history and are one of the oldest teams around. Not as old as Herbert D. Ellis, but still pretty old. The team comprised of some young kids plucked from a local school. They won (as they thought) their opening match 7-7, but they were a good bunch of young lads and they'd learn. The manager didn't have much to work with apparently.

Over time, the club grew and became mildly successful - winning the Farmers Association Cup on 7 occasions, and the Breast Milk Cup 5 times (5 times!!) however suffered a terrible defeat when they entered the Pantyline Pullers Cup. They even won the European Champions Trophy once, beating Bayurrrn Mewnick somewhere in Holland. These wins were (in the main) a long time ago, but the club are still considered as massive a club as blackpool, QPR, Luton town.

They are currently flying high in the bottom half of the Premiership and have San Antonio Spurs running scared.

[edit] The 1990s

In the 1990s, the club hit a rough patch. Still under the evil dictatorship of Herbert Douglas Ellis (yes, the same one. Still there) - a man with more wrinkles than a shrivelled walnut - the club were starved of vital magic beans to trade for magic cows. Vegetable Taylor lead the club to mild goodness before going to manage Engerland. As the 90s began, Sun Tan Ron lead the team in a lovely white away kit - rumours that Sun Tan Ron demanded the kit was changed from its original black design have since been unfounded. Brian "rabbit man" Little was appointed as coach following STR's departure after turning the team into a steaming pile of turd. Little appointed Neil Amptey as chief goalmarksman - he was rubbish. He then signed Graham Fenton Destroyer - and what a destroyer. No stadium roof was safe from his pin point accuracy. In a fit of desperation, the evil brother of Serbian dictator Slobodan Milosevic was signed, and a mad Brummie by the name of Stanloi Vickter Collymower was recruited from BinDippingThievingScouseCuntsKopEndGoodSenseOfHumourLa FC. He kicked people, and wasn't very good. Little was despensed with, and MadMan Greggerz took the hotseat. He lead the club upwards, but signed players nearly as old as the chairman (yes, the same one. Still there...) and eventually left after a disagreement about how much pocket money he was given to spend.

Vegetable Taylor came back for another spell at the helm, in a superb penny-pinching exercise. Actually, calling him a Vegetable is a bit misleading - "Completeandutterspacktardwithnoclueabouttactics" would be fairer. Under Taylors tenure, the team was at its lowest ebb since beating Bayurrrn Mewnick all those years ago. In one game, the goaltender Peter Nostudscantevencontrolathrowin hilariously (to some) allowed a tossback from Olof Meerkat to roll into his goal.

Taylor was eventually told by Ellis (yes, the same one. Still there) that he was retarded and wasn't needed. He went away to do some awful punditry for BBC Radio 5 Live. In desperation, the club appointed an Irish leprechaun to chase the rainbow. He proceeded to build a squad of good honest lads, who work really hard but maybe that bit of investment isn't there. He doesn't have the money, but he accepts that and gets on with his job without moaning. Well, he moans a bit. Sometimes there are hints of a fall-out with the chairman, Doug Ellis (yes, same one. Still here) and the fans worry they might be given a dustman plucked from the streets of Aston as the next team manager.

Eventually Ellis (yes, the same one. Still there) gave O'DrearyLeary his marching orders. Replacing him with the genius of Martin O'Neill.

[edit] For sale?

There are hints that chairman Ellis (yes, same one. Still there) might sell up to some Oirish builders, but they dont seem to have any money to get him to fuck off and stop killing our club with a lack of investment.

Ellis (yes, same one. Still there) has accepted a bid from an American guy, Randy Lerner. Hopefeully, his BILLIONS, will make Villa a half decent team once more!

But Birmingham City Council dropped the bombshell and have proposed that Villa Park will be taken over by the locals for a terrorist training camp and it's time they moved on to a more suitable ground, it's proposed to be renamed as Islam Villa Training Camp.

[edit] Famous Players

[edit] War

In 1962, the Plutonian government declared war on the club due to immigration policies set up by the club which prohibited the access of Outer Ring football players from joining. The war was settled 5 months later after a long legal dispute in which, Ellis (yes, the same one. Still there...), agreed to allow only good footballers in. This left Pluto speechless.

[edit] War of Villa 2040

The war of villa lasted 33 seconds in the year 2040 and was not clearly stated to be an official war. The war was fought between a cyborg Doug Ellis(yes, the same one. Still there...), and a man named Hector who would not give up his free coupon for a Costas Hot Chocolate. Doug promptly beat Hector round the head with his thick wallet before imploding, leaving nothing but a small version of David O'Leary saying "we need more players".

The FA Premier League

Atom Villa | Biggleswade | Chel$ki Abramograd | East Spam Divided | Emptypig | Greys Athletic | Londrés | Long Ballton Wanderers | Luton Airport | Madchester Oasis | Manchester Red Sox Ltd. | Mickey Mousers Franchise | Neverton | North-East Black Stripes | SundIREland | Pompeii | San Antonio Spurs | Sandwell Town | Wigan Pathetic |     edit

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