Astrology

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Jump to: navigation, search

The Zodiac Chart, presented in an easy to understand format.

“If you're born when the wrong bits of rock are in the sky, then you're messed up for life.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Astrology

“That's Hot”

~ Paris Hilton on Stars

1 Introduction
2 Star Sign
3 Planets
4 The Elements
5 Combinations
6 Nutritional Information
7 Astrology and Medicine
8 Conclusion
9 See also

[edit] Introduction

By the unquestionable wisdom of the Religous Right, the subject matter dealt with in this article is irredeemably DARK-SIDED!!!, and by even reading this far into it, your soul has been damned to be THROWN IN THE PIT!!!, and is far beyond any hope of being saved by CHRISTIAN WARRIORS!!!

Astrology is a system of controlling women through the analysis of the movements and interactions of planets, stars and other large bodies in the Universe. Astrology not only allows the prediction of a woman`s life, but also their personality and physical traits, love life, career opportunities, sex life, and shoe size. To date it is considered to be the most rigorous and well proven theory of the universe and completely debunks the pseudoscience of "astronomy",which turns out to explain nothing. Men are immune to Astrology, in fact only woman and gays are controlled by its powers.

[edit] Star Sign

Star signs are the base of predicting a woman`s life. All the rest is filler. There are 13 star signs and each has it's own trait.

Pisces (Fish): You have a talent for swimming but have not yet developed lungs. If you're reading this out of water then you're probably dead. Likes: plankton. Dislikes: Captain Birdseye, toilets.
Aries (Ram): You are not a born leader. You tend to follow in a group and be quite plain and unnoticeable. People tend to use you and you can be often taken for a ride. However you are dependable and can be counted on, unless you're a K-car. Likes: grass, large groups. Dislikes: getting your hair cut, being taken for a ride.
Taurus (Bull): Unlucky, you're the bull-headed Taurus. Thinking is not your strong point. I'm surprised if you can read this. Likes: goring things, spreading bull. Dislikes: the colour red, Spanish people.
Gemini (Twins): This one is easy, you have multiple personality disorder. You never make up your minds about anything but you're fun to have at parties. Likes: flowers, cars. Dislikes: cars, flowers, psychiatrists.
Cancer (Crab): You have too much unsafe sex. Buy some condoms. Likes: unsafe sex, pinching people. Dislikes: lice, fishnets.
Leo (Lion): You are strong, clever, brave and have an unnerving passion for taking down large mammals. All the fat people recently left your neighbourhood. Likes: red meat, hair curlers. Dislikes: guns, gnus, snug and nugs.
Virgo (Virgin): You have an unbridled passion for Danish film stars who kill Orcs in their spare time. Likes: the Lord of the Rings. Dislikes: Swedish people.
Libra (Scales): Know it all. Likes: reading. Dislikes: contact with the opposite sex (they scare you).
Scorpio (Scorpion): You kill people for fun, and have quite a sting in your tail. Likes: the Rock, the Mummy Returns. Dislikes: Brendon Fraser.
Sagittarius (Centaur): You are very in touch with your animal side. It could, in fact, be said that you like animals a little too much (Catherine the Great, hint hint.). You are very in touch with animals. Have I made myself clear yet? Likes: that should be obvious. People under the sign of Aries. Dislikes: anti-bestiality laws.
Capricorn (Goat): Goats aren't funny. You aren't funny. This one is quite pathetic. Just ignore it. Likes: un-funny things (like this). Dislikes: non-goat related things. You spend the majority of your day grazing.
Aquarius (Water Carrier): You are blessed with a good memory, a large stomach and a bladder of seemingly infinite volume. Likes: liquids, tsunamis, 'Depends' under garments, Aquaman. Dislikes: warm days, temperatures below freezing, the desert, straws.

[edit] Planets

The planets too affect people. They each have different attributes. If any of these seem familiar it's probably because you've read the Solar System article.

Mercury: You are always uncomfortably warm. If you are Taurus with Mercury rising this is a sign that you amount to nothing more than a broken-down Ford automobile. Stay away from Aries and definitely do consider joining the AA or AAA ASAP, OK?

Venus: You are a vile little bitch, yet you think that you are the goddess of sex and love, but that's because you haven't looked in the mirror lately. Face it, your days as a callgirl are sadly numbered. You're my fire, you're my desire.

Earth: You like staying close to home; those who claim you are "very down-to-earth" are only looking for a polite way to say that you bore them to tears. At least you're mostly harmless. (NOTE: This can well stand for the Moon as well).

Mars: You like chocolate. You like chocolate a little too much. This may be why you're as large as a big red planet. Quit the junk food and the quick-fix "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Bratz are from Hell" relationship books or you'll never get your life back on track.

Jupiter: You are the berry used to make gin.

Saturn: You like jewelry, especially rings. Unfortunately for you, the only rings manufactured by Saturn Inc. are GM piston rings.

Uranus: You are a complete ass and a very large target for Klingons, one of which will kill you in some horrible way during some future episode of Star Trek.

Neptune: You are allergic to seafood. You spend most of your time leeching tunes online, and will never amount to much of anything more than a mouse potato. See also Napster.

Pluto: You are a dwarf with wild delusions that that stockpile of weapons-grade plutonium you've stashed away will make you a superpower someday. Nonetheless, you will amount to nothing, largely because the fallout is stunting your growth and development.

2003 UB313, AKA Gerald: Nobody notices you but when they do they make such a fuss that you'd think you were important.

[edit] The Elements

See also: Euclid's elements

It is not just the sky that effects you but also the world around you. Certain elements will determine your personality.

Fire: You have a fiery personality or have an insatiable appetite.
Water: You are naturally gifted at swimming or wetting the bed.
Earth: You are patient and thoughtful or fat and slow.
Air: You have a breezy attitude to life or you are transparent.
Silicon: You have a natural gift for using computers or you're a complete nerd.
Silicone: You have small breasts. Immediately seek large amounts of your element, even if you are male.
Francium: You have a tendency to eat frogs, snails and other icky things or you have many German visitors in your house.
Plutonium: You have an aggressive personality, prone to invading other countries, stockpiling weapons of mass destruction and operating torture chambers in Iraq. Alternatively, you're highly unstable. It is recommended that you never make eye contact with someone born around Plutonium. See also: Americium, George W. Bush.
Heart: You are wise in the ways of summoning Captain Planet or you need a transplant.

[edit] Combinations

Different combinations of the above are more common than others, for example, Pisces, Neptune and Water are usually found in the same person. Other combinations can have unexpected results, for example, while you might expect someone with Taurus, Pluto and Earth to be slow, short, tough and able to crack rocks with their head. Instead, they are usually used as lawn ornaments. Or, for example, anyone born under Venus will always be an annoying little prick no matter what else might affect them.

[edit] Nutritional Information

The body follows the seasons of the sun.

Astrology can be bad for your health.
Do not take orally.
Astrology is not intended as a substitute to breast-feeding.
Do not mix with drinks containing caffine, alcohol or water.
Don Carloni runs the show. Forgetting that could be bad for your health.
Do not drive or operate machinery until you know how you will react with with astrology.

[edit] Astrology and Medicine

Astrology is a required subject in medical school so that physicians can better diagnose patients based on time of year and date of birth. Medical students use Horary Astrology textbooks by 17th century astrologer William Lilly. Physicians who practise medical astrology tend to be mentally challenged.

[edit] Conclusion

Even if nothing else in his article is in anyway useful or true, it should be noted that it at least proves that we should never be lonely. Why? Because there must be thousands of people out there just like you!

If we were just to take the original star signs it would mean that 1 in every 24 people would be just like you (12 star signs X 2 genders = 24). Now, if we add in the planets we get 240 (24 X 10 planets = 240) and finally we include the elements to get 3840 (240 X 8 elements X 2 possible traits from each element = 3840). If the population of the world is 6 billion (6,000,000,000) then there are 1562500 people in the world just like you! Go out and find them and spread the love. And kill whoever turns out to have been born under Venus.

[edit] See also

	v • d • e Divinatory Arts and Artists
	Antropomorphing \| Astrology \| Augury \| Ball gazing \| Clairvoyance \| Dice \| Fortune cookies \| Magic 8-Ball \| Monopoly \| Necromancy \| Negromancy \| Nostradamus \| Numerology \| Palmistry \| Phrenology \| Precognition \| Prophecy \| Psychic \| Scatomancy \| Tarot \| Telepathy \| Wheel of Fortune